Any advice. Really struggling

THANK YOU for all your suggestions ️

I'd add that I found comedy to be a very effective way of diverting my childs mood. I found that I could reframe her behaviour in her own mind to look ridiculous. I never made a threat to her when she was being badly behaved that I did not carry out, expect the ones that were so lurid and florid that she was quite understanding that this was comedy, BUT whilst she was kinda enjoying being "corrected" the lessons seemed to go home. 

It's different from bribery, which is a negotiation, I didn't actually give an inch unless she made a really good argument, humorous retort or other interesting and positive response. My child grew up O.K. 

Hi. Just some thoughts on what you have said, although I can see others have made some similar comments.

I am thinking she may not know exactly why she has reacted this way so cannot tell you. 

When my son was younger I found talking via a toy or puppet was less direct. Can you 'wonder' to the puppet/ toy about what might be difficult, but without insisting on a response because you are not speaking to her directly?

Would having a quiet area like a pop up tent to retreat to help?

The other thought is to divert from what is happening, so for example rather than addressing the problem at the difficult time, have something on hand to occupy yourself like blowing bubbles. When my son was young he enjoyed popping bubbles. If she chose to come over to do this you could then encourage this as it could be a non aggressive way of dealing with the frustration.

I hope you are able to find some things that help. From experience it can take a while to find the right thing at a particular time. 

I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling Tia. If it helps, my 8 year old is exactly the same. I hear you! It’s so so hard, every day my daughter is either smashing the place up or throwing things, hitting, scratching etc. We’ve put so much support in place but nothing seems to be helping. 

I’m not sure whether this will help, it’s early days still but can’t hurt to share. We’ve scaled everything right back. Very few plans (ie none), low demand parenting (TiLt podcast has a lot about this) and lots of checking in and watching for signs to see how she is so we can get ahead of when she looks like she might blow up. Noticing signs that she’s beginning to get overloaded like rudeness, shouting etc that usually lead up to a big explosion. She’s not a rude kid when she’s balanced, but gets v mouthy when things start getting too much. 

I hope you find some calmer waters soon and know you’re not a terrible mum. We’re all doing the best we can and you can’t go wrong with love and kindness. 

Tia

Your daughter seems to be showing signs of overload. Non Autistic poeple often deal with issues by talking them through. Autistic poeple have a need to think things through and anything coming in from the outside feels like an invasion, even if it is someone who is trying to help by talking. I know because this is hiw I feel. It has not stopped me from trying to talk to my autistic daughter when she is processing. As parents we have been brought up to believe our children should do as we say and that they should respect us. However  being Autistic means not understanding hierarchy so the concept of respect for parents means nothing to us. This makes parenting an Autistic child very challenging. My wife does it better than I do. She knows when to back off and let our daughter process. She will also divert attention rather than confronting head on; this will never work. You are not a bad Mum. A bad mum would not care. You do need to get some help from other parents who have learnt the hard way. Please come to the Pinpoint parent to parent zoom chat if you can. It is called the Tii Hub at www.pinpoint-cambs.org.uk/.../ don't worry if you are not in Cambridgeshire. I can vouch for it being a safe place. 

When I was young I broke down in to tears all the time. I cannot express the overwhelming frustration I had being capable of sense-perceiving something yet not being able to access the vocabulary to explain what I could perceive and understand. I would watch adults communicate and exchange socially and sense subtle cruelties and inconsistencies but wouldn't be able to tell you what was happening until I was in my 30s, had a better understanding of the science of philosophy, sociology and psychology. I was 3 or 4. At this age I could sense and "see" systems of physics of but not express what I was comprehending. Autistics are said to be more connected to eternal time rather than linear. And this is what I was sensing: past/present/future all at once. At this age, I would misunderstand things for lack of education. I remember being three and trying to wash the blue off my hands and being in tears over it. I hadn't yet learned about veins, so I was trying to scrub my translucent pinkish skin of its veins! 

I learned to read early and had 2 imaginary friends who I would sing songs to. Music was a comfort - I work in sound now. 

Throughout my life what I desperately needed was access to science, maths, philosophy, psychoanalysis and so on. The more I understood the calmer I became. The more I could expand my vocabulary the better I could articulate these "systems" around me. 

Extreme frustration from this mismatch of perception vs maturity is compounded by the fact we don't just 'feel' deeply, it's that we are impacted intensely and so our response will match that impact. 

In my 20s I would feel like my mouth was constantly crushed shut. It took SO long to get what I needed to begin to integrate my potential with its capacity, with the knowledge needed. Now I still experience immediate reactionary impact but from interruptions (which are the absolute worst) of not being focused one-thing-at-a-time, dropping a phone or a computer not doing what it should. But I'm a lot more emotionally stable because: knowledge. 

An encyclopaedia helps. A thesaurus helps. I often still cannot access the exact word (mentally) so I might stutter for a second or go mute. But I know how to search for the definition of a thing and being able to simply identify something properly (not just enough but with precision) brings a feeling of resolution. 

Hopefully this helps. At the heart of this is a matter of desire for resolution or integrated knowledge and the often beyond overwhelming affect of being internally and physically arrested - it's a type of invasive interruption to flow-state, something our Monotropic brains are well designed for. https://monotropism.org/

My son had his own experiences and I've been able to help him find resolve and identify things by 22. A calm, mostly LED free environment with less noise, no harsh VOCs in cleaning agents, and uninterrupted space to practice piano and be really helped as well.

Tia

You really need to talk to Pinpoint at www.pinpoint-cambs.org.uk/.../ even if you are not in Cambridgeshire. In particular join the Tii Hub on Friday mornings. There you will find other parents who have been through the same experiences. Most of us feel it is something we have done wrong but soon found it is not. My only advice is to never confront. May seem easier said than done but there are other ways of dealing with these situations.

Good morning Tia,

I am sorry that the situation with your daughter is causing you such distress.

I ask for your forgiveness in advance if any of what I am about to advise is deemed rude or inappropriate - I can assure you that this is never my intention - I merely want to help if I can.

Firstly, I would caution you that small, weak 5 year old humans rapidly grow up to become larger, stronger teenagers.  Accordingly, whilst the hateful words and spitting are not good, the "throwing things" and "hitting you" are two things that I would concentrate on now.  These two things must cease ASAP as the priority.

Whilst I would continue to try and talk with her about these two behaviours, I would also introduce special sanctions or behaviours of your own that ONLY are enacted when she does either of these two things to/at you.

I do not personally have the skills, competencies nor experience (nor sufficient information about the particulars of your home life) to advise specifically HOW you should go about doing this I'm afraid......but I do have enough vicarious experience from multiple sources to know that you should prioritise stopping these injurious behaviours ASAP.

Secondly, this I do know.....terrible mums don't make posts like yours looking for help like you have.  This is the action of a caring and loving mum.  Don't be hard on yourself!  You are a good mum in a hard situation.  Keep going sister!

Thirdly, I note that you seem to repeat "talking" or "discussing" matters with your daughter as a way to find solutions for your current troubles.  Personally, I find this the VERY worst way to try and communicate with me if I am agitated about something - whether that is "in the moment" of agitation or "afterwards.". I respond and communicate about "difficult" matters almost wholly in non-verbal ways.  A look, a glance, a touch, a posture, a gesture.....these are the things that I pay attention to from others.....and also how I communicate back.

Accordingly, perhaps stop your talking and start paying attention to how YOU are presenting yourself to her when she becomes agitated.  [Again, please be assured this is with my very best intentions - please do not feel offence from my words].....Perhaps, when your daughter "kicks off", in that moment, think of her as a non-verbal animal and try to think of yourself the same way.  Don't use words.....use behaviours.....to convey your feelings, hopes and desires....AND watch her VERY carefully (without her knowing you are doing so)....and I suspect you may become aware of things that have previously alluded you.

And finally, like all mountaineers will tell you, if you think of the mountain as a whole, it is overwhelming, but if you break it down into smaller challenges (one step at a time) then it becomes achievable.  I recommend your first step to be - stopping the hitting of you - that gets more painful and dangerous every day that passes.

I wish you both increasing happiness in your lives.

Best regards

Number

My brother was like that, I was more placid.

However, we've both matured. Now we live separate lives, amicably. In good terms.