Any advice. Really struggling

Good morning Tia,

I am sorry that the situation with your daughter is causing you such distress.

I ask for your forgiveness in advance if any of what I am about to advise is deemed rude or inappropriate - I can assure you that this is never my intention - I merely want to help if I can.

Firstly, I would caution you that small, weak 5 year old humans rapidly grow up to become larger, stronger teenagers.  Accordingly, whilst the hateful words and spitting are not good, the "throwing things" and "hitting you" are two things that I would concentrate on now.  These two things must cease ASAP as the priority.

Whilst I would continue to try and talk with her about these two behaviours, I would also introduce special sanctions or behaviours of your own that ONLY are enacted when she does either of these two things to/at you.

I do not personally have the skills, competencies nor experience (nor sufficient information about the particulars of your home life) to advise specifically HOW you should go about doing this I'm afraid......but I do have enough vicarious experience from multiple sources to know that you should prioritise stopping these injurious behaviours ASAP.

Secondly, this I do know.....terrible mums don't make posts like yours looking for help like you have.  This is the action of a caring and loving mum.  Don't be hard on yourself!  You are a good mum in a hard situation.  Keep going sister!

Thirdly, I note that you seem to repeat "talking" or "discussing" matters with your daughter as a way to find solutions for your current troubles.  Personally, I find this the VERY worst way to try and communicate with me if I am agitated about something - whether that is "in the moment" of agitation or "afterwards.". I respond and communicate about "difficult" matters almost wholly in non-verbal ways.  A look, a glance, a touch, a posture, a gesture.....these are the things that I pay attention to from others.....and also how I communicate back.

Accordingly, perhaps stop your talking and start paying attention to how YOU are presenting yourself to her when she becomes agitated.  [Again, please be assured this is with my very best intentions - please do not feel offence from my words].....Perhaps, when your daughter "kicks off", in that moment, think of her as a non-verbal animal and try to think of yourself the same way.  Don't use words.....use behaviours.....to convey your feelings, hopes and desires....AND watch her VERY carefully (without her knowing you are doing so)....and I suspect you may become aware of things that have previously alluded you.

And finally, like all mountaineers will tell you, if you think of the mountain as a whole, it is overwhelming, but if you break it down into smaller challenges (one step at a time) then it becomes achievable.  I recommend your first step to be - stopping the hitting of you - that gets more painful and dangerous every day that passes.

I wish you both increasing happiness in your lives.

Best regards

Number

Good morning Tia,

I am sorry that the situation with your daughter is causing you such distress.

I ask for your forgiveness in advance if any of what I am about to advise is deemed rude or inappropriate - I can assure you that this is never my intention - I merely want to help if I can.

Firstly, I would caution you that small, weak 5 year old humans rapidly grow up to become larger, stronger teenagers.  Accordingly, whilst the hateful words and spitting are not good, the "throwing things" and "hitting you" are two things that I would concentrate on now.  These two things must cease ASAP as the priority.

Whilst I would continue to try and talk with her about these two behaviours, I would also introduce special sanctions or behaviours of your own that ONLY are enacted when she does either of these two things to/at you.

I do not personally have the skills, competencies nor experience (nor sufficient information about the particulars of your home life) to advise specifically HOW you should go about doing this I'm afraid......but I do have enough vicarious experience from multiple sources to know that you should prioritise stopping these injurious behaviours ASAP.

Secondly, this I do know.....terrible mums don't make posts like yours looking for help like you have.  This is the action of a caring and loving mum.  Don't be hard on yourself!  You are a good mum in a hard situation.  Keep going sister!

Thirdly, I note that you seem to repeat "talking" or "discussing" matters with your daughter as a way to find solutions for your current troubles.  Personally, I find this the VERY worst way to try and communicate with me if I am agitated about something - whether that is "in the moment" of agitation or "afterwards.". I respond and communicate about "difficult" matters almost wholly in non-verbal ways.  A look, a glance, a touch, a posture, a gesture.....these are the things that I pay attention to from others.....and also how I communicate back.

Accordingly, perhaps stop your talking and start paying attention to how YOU are presenting yourself to her when she becomes agitated.  [Again, please be assured this is with my very best intentions - please do not feel offence from my words].....Perhaps, when your daughter "kicks off", in that moment, think of her as a non-verbal animal and try to think of yourself the same way.  Don't use words.....use behaviours.....to convey your feelings, hopes and desires....AND watch her VERY carefully (without her knowing you are doing so)....and I suspect you may become aware of things that have previously alluded you.

And finally, like all mountaineers will tell you, if you think of the mountain as a whole, it is overwhelming, but if you break it down into smaller challenges (one step at a time) then it becomes achievable.  I recommend your first step to be - stopping the hitting of you - that gets more painful and dangerous every day that passes.

I wish you both increasing happiness in your lives.

Best regards

Number

I'd add that I found comedy to be a very effective way of diverting my childs mood. I found that I could reframe her behaviour in her own mind to look ridiculous. I never made a threat to her when she was being badly behaved that I did not carry out, expect the ones that were so lurid and florid that she was quite understanding that this was comedy, BUT whilst she was kinda enjoying being "corrected" the lessons seemed to go home. 

It's different from bribery, which is a negotiation, I didn't actually give an inch unless she made a really good argument, humorous retort or other interesting and positive response. My child grew up O.K.