Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all,
I have 4 year old B/G twins. My daughter is NT, i would say some ''autistic traits'' but nothing that would affect her functioning, just quirks i guess. My son is being assesed for Autism (HF as he is verbal) however his behaviour is somewhat challenging and his twin sister has now realised there are differences and has begun to label him 'naughty'.
I find this quite upsetting and i would desperately like to explain to her they have differences but he is not naughty he just doesnt understand in the same way. To an older sibling i feel this would be a little easier to explain, but how do you explain to a child of the same age?
I try to treat them very fairly and equally but this is an impossible task as their needs are so very different! I have seen many a book but they all seem to start with ''my brother is special''. My daughter would instantly take this as she is not and i just cant do that to her.
Any advice would be so gratefully received, thank you in advance xx
Hi Intense World.
Its been a long time since this post but If you are still around would it be possible to message you at all if possible xx
Thank you again, I did think you pushy to start with but now I do understand what you are saying. I will take some time out to observe my daughter for peace of mind. She does have strops sometimes when her lines are ruined but i do put that down to no different to when i make the beds 1000 times a day and they are unmade each time it annoys me too lol.
Since this journey began I have found out some things about myself which make me feel better, I def have a sensory issue going on with sounds and things being and feeling right. It makes me feel better knowing there is a reason behind my inability to cope with persistant noises and tones. And my inability to stand still :-)
I will keep all your advice fresh in my mind and like I say I will take some time out to observe her. Her school runs or is part of an autism awareness programme or campaign or similar so they should notice any difficulties and support her accordingly.
Makes it difficult when the spectrum really is so broad, and why it makes it so hard to understand and then explain to others. Again thank you for your time :-)
You're welcome. You know her best. I would point out that many autistic children have good eye contact and fabulous imaginations. Autistic children do also initiate play with others but then would have social issues within friendships which may not become apparent until the child gets older and the expectations of social play and friendships become more pressured. Girls with ASC also mimic behaviours from their peers and others.
Both my girls are on the spectrum, they play not only with one another but with others and my youngest who is the most autistic also approaches other children readily to play. Neither of them has reacted extremely to changes in routine, my 8yo has said "you know I don't like it when..." and insisted on some things being done in a certain order on occasion but has not melted down over it. My eldest whinges a bit at changes or unexpected things sometimes but again, doesn't meltdown. Lining up is a form of rigidity which means there are at least one aspect of your daughter's behaviour which is not flexible. If you messed up her line of objects she may react. Licking walls may be a form of pica which is known in children with ASCs.
Premature babies are also 5 x more likely to have autism. So your daughter has high risk factors.
You probably feel that I am pushing this on you, please don't see it that way, it's just that there are a lot of myths and stereotypes about autism out there and girls do not tick all the same boxes as boys. It's just something to bear in mind and not to rule out. I speak from a perspective as a female with AS myself and I also didn't have many blatantly obvious autistic behaviours as a child.
Thank you intenseworld for you comment
I can say from the heart that my daughter is NT, I have no instinct which tells me otherwise. She has also developed absolutely typically all be it slightly delayed from being born at 29 weeks. She has eye contact, great verbal skills, expressive and understanding, very caring and desire to please others, has a great imagination, very flexible in thought, will initiate play with others and happy to play with others. Copes with changes to routines, has danger awareness and so on..............just a few quirky ways, for example she will stop randomly to lick a wall, she likes to line things up.
I do believe we all have these quirky ways but it does not affect her ability to function at all. Just little habits i guess.
Its good advice on how to deal with talking to her so thank you for that x
The thing that stands out firstly from your post, is be cautious assuming your daughter is NT. Females with ASCs do have a different presentation than males usually, and are more passive. You say she has autistic traits and the genetic risk is high for her as her twin already has it. You would be doing your daughter a disservice by not being vigilant regarding her traits and behaviours (and not comparing them to her brother, as every autistic child is different and there is the presentation based on gender). She may need assessing and support at some point, girls are frequently diagnosed later than boys because they often have better verbal/social skills but their social skills are still not NT. Boys tend to get referred at school as they are more aggressive and the teachers want something done about it, but girls sit passively and do their work and schools think everything is fine.
http://www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/autism-and-asperger-syndrome-an-introduction/gender-and-autism/women-and-girls-on-the-autism-spectrum.aspx
Being a twin a child has a higher risk of having autism if the other twin has it (there is a table within this document):
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC378547/
Stats quoted here are 63-88% in identical twins, 0-10% in fraternal twins and 3% in siblings:
http://faculty.washington.edu/chudler/aut.html
So you shouldn't rule out autism in your daughter and don't think that because she doesn't have all the same behaviours as her twin that she doesn't have it. You may need to have collated evidence at some point if she has to go for an assessment. Girls are better at masking, but that doesn't mean they don't also need the same supports that boys.
The best way to explain to your daughter why her brother's behaviour is more extreme, is to say "you know how [insert thing/situation] really annoys and upsets you? Well [insert brother's name] feels like that about other things, and this is how he shows it" There are PECS-style social stories you can buy (eBay has them pretty cheap) to go through with her. But bear in mind that if she does have an ASC, she will have lower empathy than normal and will find it harder to grasp why her brother behaves more aggressively than her.