Frazzled Mum - 4.5 year old girl autism?

I don't think those are limited to just girls tbh. Generally though you could be describing me in my childhood there. The good news is that some of those behaviours is actually a result of anxiety second hand from the ASC itself, and that means they can be improved with healthy and compassionate coping techniques. If I engage my own memory for a moment I can run down the most likely mechanism behind a few key points:

EH123 said:

Struggles when things don't go as she expects. Very rigid in her expectations - easily throws a tantrum when things don't go as she has planned.

We teach children from day one that they should have a routine then when they take that literally we scold them for being "inflexible". Which flows into the point about hypocrites next.

EH123 said:

Follows rules/processes religiously and will point out if anyone is not following properly.

She has a good sense of fairness, and expects everyone to be held to the same standard as she is, and especially not be a hypocrite if the person breaking rules has been one to bring them up before. "Do as I say not as I do" is anathema, and causes anxiety.

EH123 said:

Very sensitive to smells - often talks about smells and tells people they smell or highlights bad smells. 

Again we cannot teach children to adhere to a behavior in this case honesty and then scold them when they are honest. White lies are a social skill that is often learned later in autists if it is at all.

EH123 said:

Doing well at school. No concerns there, but they have been working on her understanding of emotions for a while now as she struggles with regulating her emotions.

Seems to potentially mask at school, then explode when she gets home. 

This usually results from background stress at constantly trying to live up to the fluctuating expectations of everyone else and then some how "failing" too regardless.

EH123 said:

She will get fixated on baking a cake for example, and will not forget it and will go on about it constantly and no amount of explaining why we can't do it that second helps deflect the situation. She will then get really angry and not listen or understand what we have said. 

She has literal thinking, if you don't want to do it now, don't say nebulously "later". She wants that structure to feel secure, so set a date/ a timer/ whatever and then stick to it and do the promised activity. That will help.

EH123 said:

Went into the poundstore as she wanted some bath crayons.

"Mummy, where will they be?"

"I don't know Elsie, we just have to keep are eyes open and look out for them" "But Mummy, I don't know how to do that, I can't stop blinking"

Again, literal thinking, try to avoid nebulous phrasing that can confuse her and, introduce similies and metaphor later on when other language skills develop. She is still just year R and a lot of kids aren't linguistically profient at that age either, autism or not.

EH123 said:

Food wise - she is ok at eating but she changes her mind about what she likes constantly and if I chop her toast in the wrong shape, or give her the wrong coloured plate - all hell breaks loose. I think at nursery they used to ask that she at least tried the food, so now when I say she hasn't eaten enough dinner yet she fixates on the words "But I tried" thinking that means she has had enough. The other day - I said, you must eat 5 more pieces of chicken - she got one piece and broke it into 5! So cheeky, but her logic is incredible.  She saw a You Tube video that said pizza was unhealthy, so now she won't touch it.  I also say to her "Make sure you eat your chicken as it makes you grow" She has decided she doesn't want to grow, so now won't eat chicken. 

She's still developing preferences which is very natural for any child just she is doing it though an autistic rather than allist lens.
She's also clever enough to figure out how to bend rules without breaking them, because she neither wants to do a thing nor get in trouble for it. That's top tier problem solving and tbh I think you should encourage it.
Have you thought of explaining that things said on TV is just junk so she knows to be healthily skeptical about the things she's told? Ie, it's not that eating piza is unhealthy, it's that eating nothing but pizza is unhealthy, etc?

But really, remember she's just 5, she's not gonna stay like this when she's 25.
I used to be a lot more rigid until I slowly learned I could do whatever I want (within reason, I've not robbed a bank) and the sky wouldn't fall down for it, and that the social rules of non autists are just silly games to be played to keep the interactions smooth.

EH123

EH123 said:

First step in the process is in progress - her teacher has arranged for their SENCO teacher to observe Elsie in class.  We then have a meeting at the school with her class teacher and the SENCO teacher to discuss further in a weeks time.  I strongly expect that they will not see a whole lot of what we experience at home, because she masks so well. But will be interesting to see. 

If they need more evidence maybe you can give them a list of observations like you just mentioned as I strongly recognised my own chilldhood traits as you described in your post, and I was diagnosed way back over 20 yrs ago when they knew even less about autism than they do now.

🐝 Bees 🐝 (they/them) Autism resources in bio #stoptheshock #NothingAboutUsWithoutUs said:

I don't think those are limited to just girls tbh. Generally though you could be describing me in my childhood there.

Thanks for your advice.  Some really good points in there. I used the pizza chat yesterday and it worked! I am starting to log her meltdowns so that we have a journal - in case she masks so well at school that the SENCO says there is nothing wrong with her. 

Since yesterday afternoon I already have:

• Came home from school with wet knickers, even though the teacher had been encouraging her to go every 2 hours.
• Meltdown when I chose the wrong knickers for her.  Refused to wear them.
• Meltdown because there were no orange biscuit bars left for pudding. Went absolutely nuts and wouldn't listen to the fact that we had none left.
• Finally agreed on a bowl of grapes.  I cut some up and she told me to stop cutting; so I put the last one in the bowl. This then set her off because I put it in after she had told me to stop cutting anymore.
• Once calmed down, she started eating them and asked for more, even though she had loads left.  I explained that she should carry on eating the ones she had, and if she finished and still wanted more, then I would cut some more up. She wouldn't listen and just kept saying the same thing over again. Another meltdown, and she hit her nose on the floor in the process. 
• Moved to the lounge - meltdown over having to sit on the rug to eat the grapes (she knows no eating on Mummy's fancy sofa!) I gave her a big cuddle to try and calm her down.  She stuck her comforter in her mouth and this seemed to do the trick.
• Battle getting ready for school.  Refusing to let Daddy brush her teeth.  Eventually persuaded her.
• Breakfast - gave her, her favourite cereal that she has been having everyday recently.  She went crazy as she hadn't asked for it.  She asked for chocolate spread on toast.  I explained that we only have that at the weekend, as it isn't very healthy.  Meltdown - climbed onto the kitchen worktop from her barstool, screaming, thrashing around, blew snot out of her nose.  Very angry.  Eventually we managed to agree on porridge, and she sat down like nothing had happened. Note to self - always ask her what she wants for breakfast rather than assuming!! 

How is it possible to tell whether this is bad behaviour or Autism related? I have another daughter who is 3 years older, and we never had these issues so i'd like to think my parenting is ok!? 

Schools shouldn't let toilets get like this. It's not sanitary for children regardless. I can't understand why they wouldn't keep on top of them, but sorry you had to experience that.

Schools shouldn't let toilets get like this. It's not sanitary for children regardless. I can't understand why they wouldn't keep on top of them, but sorry you had to experience that.