Published on 12, July, 2020
I feel totally frazzled by my daughters behaviour, which seems to be getting worse. I've thought there was something a little different about her from the age of 2, but couldn't quite put my finger on it. Anyone out there with experience in Autism in girls, please could you have a read of my notes below and see if you can relate to any of this behaviour? Not sure where to go with this - hope she grows out of the behaviours, seek help etc.
Here are her little quirks:
I don't think those are limited to just girls tbh. Generally though you could be describing me in my childhood there. The good news is that some of those behaviours is actually a result of anxiety second hand from the ASC itself, and that means they can be improved with healthy and compassionate coping techniques. If I engage my own memory for a moment I can run down the most likely mechanism behind a few key points:
EH123 said:Struggles when things don't go as she expects. Very rigid in her expectations - easily throws a tantrum when things don't go as she has planned.
We teach children from day one that they should have a routine then when they take that literally we scold them for being "inflexible". Which flows into the point about hypocrites next.
EH123 said:Follows rules/processes religiously and will point out if anyone is not following properly.
She has a good sense of fairness, and expects everyone to be held to the same standard as she is, and especially not be a hypocrite if the person breaking rules has been one to bring them up before. "Do as I say not as I do" is anathema, and causes anxiety.
EH123 said:Very sensitive to smells - often talks about smells and tells people they smell or highlights bad smells.
Again we cannot teach children to adhere to a behavior in this case honesty and then scold them when they are honest. White lies are a social skill that is often learned later in autists if it is at all.
EH123 said:Doing well at school. No concerns there, but they have been working on her understanding of emotions for a while now as she struggles with regulating her emotions. Seems to potentially mask at school, then explode when she gets home.
This usually results from background stress at constantly trying to live up to the fluctuating expectations of everyone else and then some how "failing" too regardless.
EH123 said:She will get fixated on baking a cake for example, and will not forget it and will go on about it constantly and no amount of explaining why we can't do it that second helps deflect the situation. She will then get really angry and not listen or understand what we have said.
She has literal thinking, if you don't want to do it now, don't say nebulously "later". She wants that structure to feel secure, so set a date/ a timer/ whatever and then stick to it and do the promised activity. That will help.
EH123 said:Went into the poundstore as she wanted some bath crayons. "Mummy, where will they be?" "I don't know Elsie, we just have to keep are eyes open and look out for them" "But Mummy, I don't know how to do that, I can't stop blinking"
Again, literal thinking, try to avoid nebulous phrasing that can confuse her and, introduce similies and metaphor later on when other language skills develop. She is still just year R and a lot of kids aren't linguistically profient at that age either, autism or not.
EH123 said:Food wise - she is ok at eating but she changes her mind about what she likes constantly and if I chop her toast in the wrong shape, or give her the wrong coloured plate - all hell breaks loose. I think at nursery they used to ask that she at least tried the food, so now when I say she hasn't eaten enough dinner yet she fixates on the words "But I tried" thinking that means she has had enough. The other day - I said, you must eat 5 more pieces of chicken - she got one piece and broke it into 5! So cheeky, but her logic is incredible. She saw a You Tube video that said pizza was unhealthy, so now she won't touch it. I also say to her "Make sure you eat your chicken as it makes you grow" She has decided she doesn't want to grow, so now won't eat chicken.
She's still developing preferences which is very natural for any child just she is doing it though an autistic rather than allist lens.She's also clever enough to figure out how to bend rules without breaking them, because she neither wants to do a thing nor get in trouble for it. That's top tier problem solving and tbh I think you should encourage it. Have you thought of explaining that things said on TV is just junk so she knows to be healthily skeptical about the things she's told? Ie, it's not that eating piza is unhealthy, it's that eating nothing but pizza is unhealthy, etc?But really, remember she's just 5, she's not gonna stay like this when she's 25.I used to be a lot more rigid until I slowly learned I could do whatever I want (within reason, I've not robbed a bank) and the sky wouldn't fall down for it, and that the social rules of non autists are just silly games to be played to keep the interactions smooth.
EH123
EH123 said:First step in the process is in progress - her teacher has arranged for their SENCO teacher to observe Elsie in class. We then have a meeting at the school with her class teacher and the SENCO teacher to discuss further in a weeks time. I strongly expect that they will not see a whole lot of what we experience at home, because she masks so well. But will be interesting to see.
If they need more evidence maybe you can give them a list of observations like you just mentioned as I strongly recognised my own chilldhood traits as you described in your post, and I was diagnosed way back over 20 yrs ago when they knew even less about autism than they do now.
Schools shouldn't let toilets get like this. It's not sanitary for children regardless. I can't understand why they wouldn't keep on top of them, but sorry you had to experience that.
EH123 TBH I was just remembering a time I was "encouraged to go" and couldn't find the words to explain to a teacher something like "it's okay for you to say "go to the toilet" you get to use the staff loo used by adults that (presumably) don't wee on the floor. And I'm not gonna stand in another kids wee just so I can do my own. Also even when clean, the loo is cold and echoey and makes me too stressed to go." Obvs I can explain that now, as an adult, but as a kid it was like playing a sick game of lets find out which happens first meltdown because holding it is uncomfortable and this is making me stressed or wet myself and then have a meltdown because that happened.
Actually, I just want to add. Negotiations are about Connecting with another through an optimistic exploration. I don't engage with people I don't trust or who I sense don't really care about my creative thoughts. We live in a world that seems to not enjoy questions and excavations, yet this is at the heart of analytical thinking: "I wonder if..."
Throughout my life, those who I feel the deepest respect for are those who hear my responses and explorations as a type of exposure of vulnerability, which is needed to be creative and facilitate close relationships. Reasoning through anything is one of the most humane and kind things one can do. Some philosophers position this exercise as the most evolved trait in someone. But it can just be a different way of perceiving the world.
When I was shut down by the parent who didn't understand my reasonings, it felt like a betrayal. It didn't matter if the thing I wished for or wanted to explore didn't happen. It was that my non-autistic parent, my mother, couldn't understand my desire to connect this way and she would not only shut it down but take offence. Later in life, I discovered questioning her pushed against a sense of inadequacy and failure, which was unbearable for her, but unfortunately, since I could never have a heart-felt discussion, it drove a wedge between our relationship. My father (undiagnosed, but it's his mother I tend to take after) would hear every negotiation and respond with things like "help me understand what you mean". We have a much closer relationship. It's partly his frustrated inability to make sense of things at times that actually made me want to articulate better, expand knowledge, study more and explore deeper.
All children are different.
There's a noticeable pattern I'm seeing.
First, with using the toilet, "encouragement" doesn't always make sense. Many of us have difficulty with interoception, so we need to simply be walked to the loo, have a sit down and give it a try. Every 2 hours is "simply a bathroom break" regardless of whether we think we need to go. As this becomes habitual, that will help us become more aware over time. I used to simply walk my young son to use the toilet every time before we left to go somewhere. "Just amuse me" is one of our family mottos (don't do it for you, do it for me, please).
As for these 'battles', I'd begin to treat them like Negotiations. Assume you are rewarding her thought-FULL-ness on each thing. To one degree, you may be encouraging a potential solicitor. She could have an excellent natural inclination toward a career on a legal team someday and you will want to raise a woman who expects to be respected but is open to talking through things.
Sometimes non-autistic individuals can misrepresent our ability to see life as a wealth ot things to negotiate and analyse. When this perspective is welcomed and encouraged, children can thrive. They will feel a sense of agency and respect and will then afford this to others. You may need to help her learn to say, "I'd like to negotiate please" or something that will eventually help others recognise that she's not competing socially, but simply exploring options. Most things in life are not matters of grave consequence.
However, with chocolate toast, health is not an issue as this is allowed at a particular day. What overrides this is that it is a thing to mark Saturday or part of our Sunday. It's not a part of today. Sometimes children crave chocolate when they need iron, as well. So if it comes up, perhaps beef meatballs could be on the menu.
Change the term battle to Negotiation, Exploration, Adventure in your perspective. See if this changes how she then responds to you!
🐝 Bees 🐝 (they/them) Autism resources in bio #stoptheshock #NothingAboutUsWithoutUs said:I don't think those are limited to just girls tbh. Generally though you could be describing me in my childhood there.
Thanks for your advice. Some really good points in there. I used the pizza chat yesterday and it worked! I am starting to log her meltdowns so that we have a journal - in case she masks so well at school that the SENCO says there is nothing wrong with her.
Since yesterday afternoon I already have:
How is it possible to tell whether this is bad behaviour or Autism related? I have another daughter who is 3 years older, and we never had these issues so i'd like to think my parenting is ok!?