Published on 12, July, 2020
Our 9 year old daughter is pre diagnosis for ASD. She is bright and can be incredibly caring but she is having regular moments of complete defiance. She becomes spiteful, cruel and ignores every request for her to follow even basic instructions. We try speaking calmly to her, explaining the reasons we need her to do as she is told, becoming firm and giving clear boundaries and consequences but she ignores it all and refuses to do as she is asked. This can go on for hours and it results in me and husband getting distressed with each other, neglecting our other child and it spirals out of control. I have PTSD and GAD and I find myself wanting to run away rather than face her. She says she doesn't like the person she becomes in those occasions but she can't get out. I sympathize but in those moments she shows no empathy or care for her actions and seems lost. I'm terrified this will tear us all apart. She seems so angry all the time and despite all our efforts to find her support and a way to vent it just comes back as this nasty defiant child who seems to hate us and will do the opposite of everything we ask. She is also starting puberty so that's added a new dimension to. I don't know what to do. Thank you for reading.
Thank you to those who responded and asked for examples. A typical example is bedtime. We have a routine that has been adapted as the children grew and always was very successful until three years ago it is including calming activities etc but she regularly seems to begin to resist the routine (specifically shower and teeth brushing which she hates) she refuses to do something she is calm initially just saying no I won't be doing that. Sometimes we say that's ok if she has washed recently or if she becomes angry and aggressive we calmly tell her it's ok we can do it in the morning instead. This escalates to where we have given privacy to get ready with clear time to complete getting changed. However she is will get distracted and if we leave she will go to to her brother's room and start taking things from his room and causing him to get upset with her asking her to leave and give things back. We return and ask her to leave his room she tells us she isn't in his room whilst in his room. She begins to get angry shouting at us that I'm not going to bed you can't make me. We continue to calmly encourage her to get changed using distraction to help which sometimes does IE discussing what's happened today. If it doesn't work she starts throwing things around her room and at us. We ask if she would like space to be on her own she screams yes then tells us we always just leave her. We sit outside her room whilst we hear her removing things from under her bed and under she goes. When it's quiet I go in and lay next to her bed asking her is she is ok and what she would find helpful. We convince her to come out then just as she seems to calm she jumps up and runs under her desk with a notepad to say she is writing a story or a book to read. We tell her she can do this for a couple of minutes then she needs to go to bed. She nods and becomes mute choosing to write instead. We sit outside or go downstairs. Returning as promised she seems a different person chatting happily like nothing happened about her story. We think success and get her into bed. Song and story back into routine. We go downstairs. She appears a few minutes later laying on the floor at our feet. We ask her to return to bed as it's now Very late. She ignores us and refuses to speak writing things instead whilst screeching like an animal at us. At this point we either calmly return to the same type of calmly trying to encourage her or we get cross and say that's enough and carry her to bed whilst she screeches. Sometimes our change into getting cross pulls her out and she breaks down sobbing that she hates herself and wants to run away other times she rises up to match us. Eventually she tires herself out one way or the other.
When I was a child a weekly bath was plenty enough. I hated showers, especially if the water goes over the head, I still hate that, no way could I use one of those big above the head showers like rain, I can only use one where the head can be lowered to chest height for washing the body, then raised a little to do the hair from behind. Never on the face! That can be washed separately.
My weekly bath was a pleasant gentle experience as my Mum would read to me. I guess once i did get too old for that at some point, possibly puberty. But I wouldn't have wanted it more than once a week. I still do not have a daily shower, I could not handle that. Nobody has told me I stink! I use deodorant and bits can be cleaned at the sink between shower/bath time!
Teeth cleaning can also be an issue for us hypersensitives. I cannot bear frothy toothpaste, sensodyne is usually not too bad. Some of us need mild tasting ones, I love strong fresh mint but some of us cannot stand it. Also the toothbrush can be an issue, soft bristles are usually better. The brand I used to prefer started making ones that felt squeaky! Horrible. Again, sensodyne was better. Ask her if there are any issues like that?
I liked bedtime, but I had a night light which i could read by, so I would read in bed. I did go to sleep at a reasonable hour by choice, as I got woken at 7am I tried to stop reading by 11pm or I knew I would be tired. Is she allowed to read in bed? Not screens though! In my day of course no such thing, just paper books. But e-ink is OK too as it doesn't have the blue light which is bad for sleep.
She might have PDA, pathological demand avoidance, have you looked into that?
Thank you so much we have had a discussion about these issues and she hates the taste of toothpaste so we are looking at alternative favours. The shower she would like to choose a nice smelling soaps as she likes the shower just not the time it takes. She does read before bed often getting lost in a book for hours at a time so had access to a whole library in her room and she will be receiving a night light to read by for Christmas so this is something that I agree will help this process.