Son won’t accept diagnosis

don't forget Leonardo da Vinci

You could tell him that he is in good company, though post-mortem diagnosis is impossible, some of the greatest names in science and the arts showed definite signs of autistic traits: Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, Michelangelo, Picasso, and Mozart.

At his age the greatest ambition of most people is 'to fit in', not to be unusual or different in any way. As he gets older, he will, undoubtedly, begin to appreciate the ways that he is different and unique. I am autistic, and it was a definite advantage in my career as a scientific researcher; my enhanced eye for detail and oblique ways of problem solving were very useful. 

I think it's best to let the matter drop for a year or 2, por longer.  Its a long process and he is not ready and there may be issues at school etc so keep it all positive.  If you want to use my services you can and I will make ensure I do not bring up the subject until he 'opens up' -which is unlikely in the short term.

[Removed by Mod] breach in rules 2 and 5

Thank you 

Hi- I had quite a different reaction when recently realising that I am autistic (though I was older-25) -  it made a lot of sense and helped me accept and understand myself better- but it was also very confusing (lots of doubting and questioning etc) and took up a lot of space in my head. 

What I would like to say to your son is that this 'label' doesn't change who he is. For me it just helped me to understand why I had felt so different ('like an alien") all my life. Is it possible that he desperately wants to fit in with his peers and doesn't want to be different? 

I presume his school/teachers know about the ASD diagnosis? But if he is not comfortable with other people or his peers knowing then he doesn't have to share it? That way the diagnosis doesn't change anything in terms of the interactions with most people in his life- could that alleviate some of his anxiety? Can you try to explain that the ASD diagnosis is more of a useful piece of information that can if necessary help him get some more support if he needs it but that doesn't have to change anything else if he doesn't want to?  With time he might feel happy to share with some people. For me it is all still quite new too- I did talk about it with some close friends when the possibility of autism was raised, only to realise that most of my friends are also autistic (I just hadn't known). However at work barely anyone knows and this is information that I will for sure only share when I feel comfortable or if I feel like I need some more support. (Unfortunately there is a lot of misunderstanding about autism). 

I agree with Dawn and JuniperFromGallifrey that "being autistic is awesome" - of course it brings extra challenges. But a lot of my autistic traits make me who I am and can actually be quite useful- for example attention to detail and being able to hyperfocus on something - in fact that is what makes me good at my job (scientist :)). 

I also think it just takes time to come to terms with being autistic. 

Regarding therapy, maybe give it time but if it doesn't feel right I personally feel like it might be best to try to change therapist or therapy style or to just accept that it might not be the right time and cancel. I'm not a medical professional so only speaking from personal experience- I had therapy with quite a lot of therapist over the years and was even inpatient for a while  (though I was not aware that I was autistic at the time) and I feel like some of those therapies did more harm than good - I am by no means saying that therapy cannot be positive and helpful but it has to be right and and the right fit and the right time. After one session, it is hard to judge though if the therapy is a good fit. 

We also kind and compassionate

but adolescence is a mess

We are awesome indeed!

Oh God, your experience is so different to mine, in which the diagnosis, albeit 56 years late, was a magic answer to everything and a massive relief.

But I have encountered young people who feel their diagnosis ruined their lives; as if somehow they would have been perfectly normal if no one had slapped a label on them. Errrr, ok so I get they are feeling stigmatised, but not having the label wouldn't make them less autistic and they'd still be living an autistic life.l whether they recognised or liked that or not. Bless them.

Your son basically is a kid who needs to feel like his peers, but truth is he isn't like them at all. And that's tough.

All I can suggest to help him come to terms with that is to let him see the massive benefit autism can bring - and we have them. Let him see he is ok as he is, that being different is no bad thing and can be a boon not a barrier to where you could go in life..

..meanwhile keep an eye on his therapy. He does need that input to come to terms with the diagnosis, but they need to hold his autism at the core of it not treat it as a 'bolt on'. Therapy will only be useful if properly adapted for him.

Sorry to hear that this is causing you and your son such pain. Its a shame in a way that ‘diagnosis’ is the word we (understandably) default to. Not sure what would be better:  ‘confirmation’? 

What breaks my heart is how society views the way we think and perceive the world. 

Once you get past that, Being autistic ist awesome. I think it's important to see the good qualities in this. 

Behaviour therapy tends to focus on the wrong thing. Starting with the assumption that our behaviours are irrational or out-of-order. An integrated and thriving individual who's Autistic-Wired really enjoys who they are. We don't perceive or understand the world the same as our Non-autistic peers (also termed NeuroTypical). The key functioning differences that create a wedge between Autistic and Non-Autistic involve a different way to reason not with language but picture thinking and/or formula thinking, our ability to make connexions www.huffpost.com/.../amp focus and see detail (Monotropism: https://monotropism.org) and our hyper-sensory selves, which were originally useful for keeping the Tribe alive. autcollab.org/.../

There are a ton of youtube creators who are Autistic, such as this chap www.youtube.com/.../AspergersfromtheInside Your son just needs to be able to see others who love who they are and what they're capable of. The world tends to see us as being humans with deficits. When in fact, everyone has strengths and limitations. Our strengths are incredibly valuable, but often overlooked. 

I want to say that denial is a very common first stage, i was diagnosed last week at 30 and i’m still in a constant flux of denial and confusion, you know the truth and eventually he will do too but its a big thing to come to terms with and is going to affect him forever so the best you can do is let him figure out his own way of taking it, it’s like grieving, everyones different and accepts in their own time, can’t imagine dealing with that when i was his age, you have done all the steps you can, maybe get him into your local mental health nurse and see if they have any ideas, my son is 12 and completely shuts down too and just shrugs or says dunno if he says anything, you are doing the best you can and it might take a while but eventually i think … if everyone calls you a fish, you’ll start wondering if you actually are one, hopefully he finds acceptance,