Daughter can speak but refuses

At times when growing up I got so worried and worked up I couldn't process words and this led to me going silent and not speaking a word until the worry and anxiety had passed. It was awkward but my family were patient with me and I think they basically got used to it lol.

Maybe your daughter is doing the same? I found it wasn't and still isn't something I can control it just happens. I think it's where there's so much going on and can't process it all.

Wish you all well.

Flash cards sound like the best option to me. I think the bring less pressure and anxiety as an interaction might.

She doesn’t give everybody eye contact at the moment just people she feels comfortable/ safe with, so me, starting to give a bit of eye contact/ glances to the therapist, a maternity teacher and most of her classmates (12 including her). 
I try not to push extended eye contact with her but now when I look away she turns my head back.

We still say hello and goodbye to her with a wave as well and accept whatever we get back if anything. If somebody on the street/ shop waves and say hi, we do too and even stop and talk but we don’t expect her to. I ask if she wants to try, if she doesn’t that’s fine and I just make up an excuse that she’s just out of bed, tired or shy for now.

With her friends, if they wave, we just say oh look x is waving at you, would you Like to try waving back. Or at the end of a play date we remind her that her friend is leaving and ask if she would like to try and wave goodbye, if she doesn’t we just usually say that it’s because she is feeling sad it’s the end of play date (which is true) and that she had fun and would love for them to come back soon.

my oh parents we have asked them to stop, as from day one they have been totally ott with her and trying to get her to visit was becoming impossibly and then when we did their antics were really too much for her.

We also started recently role playing games in a very subtle way, where it’s customary to say hello and goodbye like shops, library, vets, doctors, hairdressers etc

https://monotropism.org 

Theatre is a good space to learn about looking into each others eyes within given perimeters, and a set dialogue. It's important to recognise this is not only incredibly intimate, but in some cultures a technique for aggression, challenging, demanding a misrepresentation of respect.

The eyes being the "windows to the soul" - your depth, this swirling galaxy of the inner YOU is complex and autistics sense this - we can get swallowed up into it an it is daunting. One needs a few psychology courses and spiritual retreats to begin to understand the matters of the heart. You are Raw and Exposed and your words will coalesce into a pool of muddiness - crowed with all your insecurities, dreams, conquests and past unmet desire. But I won't be able to identify exactly what I am seeing, just sense all this grand-scale which makes you, inherently you. This is one part of the problem with demand for eye-contact. 

Understanding the concept of Monotropism will help make sense of why closing my eyes and listening to your words is easier to hyper-focus and respond respectfully - and this is the second part of the problem for autistics, this ability to do one thing, correctly at a time. Thus, it puts a bit of responsibility on parents to not misidentify a thing or pause for a moment and double check their meaning. The crossword puzzle is quite good for this reckoning. 

As for attention, ask to be included into her imagination. Allow her to express everything she is lost in, as it could be absolutely fascinating. And then ask "can we prepare to do something else?" Give her a warning of change and time to adjust. This is also related to monotropism. When she is older, this hyper-focus can make her in demand for research or scientific inquiry, for puzzle solving or like a part of my job, editing. 

That's amazing how her eye contact is coming back, I will have to try this!! Also that makes complete sense about saying hello and good bye, I never thought about that either, do you still say hello and good bye to people or have you cut it out completely ? 

I think flash cards are the way to go, super easy, takes all the pressure off. and with that maybe she will start using words to communicate. Our therapist says that using pictures wherever possible is really helpful. 

A bit different, our 4yo developed a stutter and after a bit we noticed that when she was playing and singing, it wasn’t there at all, just when she had to communicate. 

She doesn’t say hello/Goodbye either, I think it’s a combination of not realising the need or/ and that it is too difficult and the same for communicating needs, she doesn’t say if she’s hungry, thirsty, tired, needs a wee, until is an absolute urgency. Even if she hurts herself it usually takes a bit of time to process it and she often tells us about it the next day and then cry’s at that point.

With the saying hello/ goodbye our therapist said that in the way we were coming across to her, it was demanding and that it was something that was very difficult for her and she needed to feel relaxed about it, that it was a choice and completely ok if she didn’t want to. 
He told us to drop the words for now and that trying for a little wave or even a nod and smile was a great start. 
So now with strangers we let it be and with family and friends, we ask her if she’d like to try a little wave or she would like to but needs a little help but if she doesn’t we tell her that’s also totally ok. 

with the above a penny clicked about eye contact. Since I became aware she had stopped giving eye contact and was often deep within her thoughts so wasn’t hearing me. I use to get down on her level in front of her and place a hand on one arm and ask her to look at me or if I needed her to listen to something I was asking her to look at me first so I knew that I had her attention.

So in effect I was demanding eye contact which is clearly something that is uncomfortable for her. So I stopped and switched to using listen to me please only. About 2-3 wks ago I noticed she had restarted to make eye contact with Me. 

I did start trying to do sign language with her the last few days starting with just drink and food but it's very hard to get her to look at you to see you doing the signs, she has started saying I love you by me pointing to my eye, chest then to her so I know sign will help but it's getting her attention, we also do try and answer our own questions as if she was answering to try and teach her what to say, the only issue with this is sometimes it winds her up and she'll get upset and repeat it back as if we was trying to force her to say it when we're just trying to teach her the correct response if that makes sense. I think she is very much a learning from pictures so I think flash cards may help and just put them on the cupboard that has the item inside for her to point at which one she wants maybe ? Luckily her nursury our amazing with her and we are all working together and using the same techniques so she's not getting different things to over whelm her it's just very hard to know the best route to go to set the right foundation in place for when she's ready 

This is very interesting, thank you for sharing your experience. Do you think flash cards would help ? Or simple sign language? We at home understand what she wants and needs and it's easy for us to help her but I'm worried about her starting primary school next year and them not understanding her : ( 

Yer we would never pressure her, we say thinks like are you thirsty, and repeat thirsty showing her the cup or hungry and showing her the food in the hope she realizes that that word goes to that object but that's about it, she sometimes responds but it's very rare. I have heard about it, I was kind of leaving everything till she got diagnosed in the hopes they would give us some more insight but she was diagnosed last week and they didn't tell us much so that's why I decided to reach out so we can try and work out a plan with nursury on best way to move forward x 

I want to add: Music uses parts of the brain which have strong network connexions for Autistics - the occipital lobe, various right side uses. 

Another way to help her express important things is to Help or encourage her write her own short songs to sing her needs. If you have an instrument, help her find her inner melody. Perhaps there is a chant which can be sung and might be easier for her to remember if sung, such as "lovely loo, I need you". Many musicians are actually autistic. I now work in sound and post production. I don't need to tell others when I need the loo or ask for a drink. And perhaps, you can create a way for her to self-access simple things like healthy food items and water. 

There is a lot of work being done on the importance of music, the parts of the brain which it activates and how it is helpful for dementia or stroke patients. Autistics might either have too much happening in other parts of the brain for them to access the feeling of needing the toilet and so you may simply have to set timers to help her "just go even if you don't think you need to".  We may be overwhelmed by sensory input such as seemingly inaudible sounds others cannot hear when the senses are too dulled or too desensitised. Too much sensory input can interfere with being able to recognise what I need.

There are many reasons she can't access her words and they all have to do with her potential. She will have strengths and talent in certain things which may appear complex and may not be able to do what appears simple to you. This IS a phenomenon of autistic wiring. We have always been around, but the world has changed. If it feels unfamiliar, just remember all you need to do to be a good mum is have a little patience, understanding and a bit of creative problem solving. 

I had difficulty accessing words I knew when I was young. I still have this difficulty. I can see an image in my head of a thing in great detail, but the part of my brain which is responsible for linguistics, grammar, etc. sometimes won't send the information I need that I know I've used before. This can be common for those of us who are picture-thinkers or reason and understand complex things with formulas rather than with language. Most NeuroTypical individuals have strong and focused 'neuro-wiring' in the lobes responsible for language. This is a distinction which contrasts the Autistic individual from the NeuroTypical individual. While yes, we (Autistic-Thinkers) may enjoy an encyclopaedia, we might because it is a novelty - we don't always have access to these networks using language within our brain.

I became a little better around 35. I read as much as I could, I absolutely love good journalism and documentary. But my imagination is far stronger. 

There are many actions, like miming, which she could engage with, to signify important things. Allow her room to express in ways she feels comfortable and as she grows, she might become better with language. A thumbs up and a smile or a smile and a pat on her heart can signify a 'Thank You'. Bits of sign language might help, especially for needing the loo or other matters of discretion. And perhaps playful sounds for needing a drink. Remember - She's 3! She's not ready to start an organisation to take down the government. She's not ready to make her mark on the high street. She can't draw up a nice theory of interplanetary navigation. She needs to playfully engage in ways which are innate for her lovely autistic being. Very few things are matters of consequence. 

If she can give a sign for needing the toilet, be sure to respond with "I need the toilet, please! And yes, let's go". As a parent it's always best to mimic out loud fully - what she might say (rather than saying, You need the toilet). When she performs a sign for thank you, do it with her and speak her phrase out loud as if she is saying it and we are saying it together. Let her grow and become in her beautiful unique ways and at her pace and she will learn to have a great deal of trust and faith in you. We always have much to learn from each other. My son is still my best teacher :) 

With hindsight I know I had selective mutism as a child. For me it wasn’t a choice, just sometimes the words wouldn’t come out when I wanted them too. I have no recollection of it was caused by anxiety, but I guess it must have been in some way.

Even if your daughter doesn’t have that, it could just be the Autism. I for one didn’t see the need to say hello and goodbye all the time. I used to get told off for it as a child by my father regularly. He saw it as rude. I just wasn’t aware when I walked into a room, or if someone comes in, I was expected to greet them. As a 49 year old, I do greet friends and family etc,  but I don’t always choose to do so out of the home. It depends how I feel at the time. Sometimes I walk into the office at work and greet people by their name, other times I just walk in, get what I need and leave.

Also, she might not know she is hungry, thirsty or need a wee hence doesn’t say it. Some people don’t really register that, or don’t take notice of it, or don’t feel it with the same urgency as others. My daughter doesn’t register these things easily and she a,so gets distracted which makes her forget. She has ways to remind herself, but often doesn’t realise there’s a problem, like dehydration until she gets a headache for example. 

Do not put pressure on your daughter to speak - making an issue of this could make it much worse. My son has Selective Mutism - I’m not sure if you’ve heard of that? I would do some research about it to see if your daughter’situation might connect to this. 
I’m sure though that a very gentle, no pressure approach would be a good idea while you try to work out what’s happening. 

good luck x

Sounds like an anxiety or social difficulty thing, it may appear she is refusing but its probably not choice and go with the flash cards or other means for now and perhaps the vocal communication will come later.

I started primary school and couldn't communicate with the teachers, it was 1977 and no flash cards so if you are a desperate for the loo and can't ask, its messy.  That difficulty to initiate communication can stay with you unless helped with it, so you may specialist help as she grows up but for now you don't know that so keep it simple.

I have looked into it abit but doesn't seem to fit, the autism assement people said that she has the social autism or something to them words and that it will just come and not to pressure her which we have never done anyways, it doesn't seem related to anxiety but then again that's not really something you can see from the outside so maybe the reason.

Thank you I will do a bit more research into this 

Perhaps not what this is but have you heard of Selective Mutism? They can speak but won’t under certain circumstances. It’s an anxiety disorder. Words they are expected to say such as please, thank you and sorry are always the most difficult. Good luck!!