Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there, I have been with my partner for 2 years, he and his 10 (nearly 11) autistic son have lived with me in my home for almost a year and a half. His son and I get on very well in many ways, sharing a weird sense of humour and a love of going down strange conversational rabbit holes.
His son keep damaging things in my house - he smashed holes in a desk I let him use, so I now have no desk. He used a knife to shave pieces of wood off a chest of drawers in his room, and it is so destroyed that I can't even give it away - I tried to explain to him that some people can't even afford furniture and that it is not ok to destroy things like we are rich or like they are expendable. We don't have any spare money.
He gets large sticks and smashes other sticks in my garden but always does it among my plants, when there is plenty of room to do it elsewhere. He smashed a tile in on my bathroom wall, leading to a 10 day fix up job that involved many layers of filler, sanding, grout etc. He pulled the shower claw off the wall. He recently scratched marks into a freshly painted wall and claimed he could not remember doing it - his dad knows he did it, as do I. My sister bought me a Japanese maple for my 40th, he cut it with scissors and killed it. This is all done quietly when no one is looking.
We have been getting ever closer to moving in to a new house together, and I am going to rent my own house out, and so every bit of destruction makes this more difficult and expensive for me as I have to keep repairing things. His dad says he is doing it to get attention from him (his dad), not to upset me. I am very willing to accept that this is true, but it is difficult when the behaviour is all aimed at my house and my things. I guess part of the issue is that we live in my house and the furniture is mine etc so in a sense, most of what he has access to is mine. He however never damages his own things- there are no damaged gaming controller, consoles, or televisions because they are his and for his gaming, it seems many of you post about kids damaging things they use, but his own stuff is sacred to him, he only damages my stuff.
He ignores his dad when told not to destructive things and resumes them 30 seconds later. I don't know what I am posting on here for really, I guess I am wondering whether I just have to accept that I'll always be paying for damage he has caused, and some advice in learning to live with it and keep my temper, which I have entirely done until now, but it's getting difficult because I feel nervous in my own home and controlled by this.
We were all chilling out watching a programme he likes tonight and he swung a bottle opener (it opens like a butterfly knife which is why he wanted it, he is obsessed with blades and tools) around his fingers the entire time, ignoring his dad asking him not to because of the constant noise, and as he left the room, he dragged the sharp end of the bottle opener across my door.
His dad always taught him he does not HAVE to listen to someone just because they are an adult, and I actually agree with that, but his son interprets it as 'no one can tell me what to do unless they are a parent' - his son has said as much to me, that only parents can tell him anything (I actually think an 8 year-old can tell people what to do if what they are doing is stupid, so it's not about hierarchy for me). I'm the main breadwinner, I am doing up my own house through his destruction while we live in in, we are moving next week. I am also in the very early stages of a pregnancy that his son does not know about yet as we want to make sure everything is ok with the foetus before we disrupt his world with the news.
I want to have a good relationship with him, it was very good until a few months ago when enough damage had happened to my stuff only that I started to get upset and nervous in my home. I am struggling with the constant power struggle that he seems to be engaging in. He disrespects every adult, he refuses to share, he refuses to say please and thank you, he refuses to basic tasks himself and screams for his dad when he wants a drink that he could get for himself, he speaks to his dad like a piece of dirt, for example when his dad says anything to him he'll answer with "why would I care" or similar - that is the tip of the iceberg with how he speaks to his dad. The vast majority of things he says are negative or complaints, which is wearing on his father and on me. He smashes plants with sticks when we walk the dog, his dad tells him to stop but 30 seconds later he starts again, his dad tells him not to hit trees, he responds with its not a tree it's a bush, and he continues to lightly draw the stick across the trees and plants while looking sideways at his dad. He constantly points out different plants and asks if he can smash them. His dad let's him smash stinging nettles; I still hate the aggressive action and sound, it went on for 2.5 hours on the last walk I joined them on and it shot my nerves so badly I won't join them for a while as it is stressful and anxiety inducing. His dad told him this; the next walk involved constant requests to smash things. Obviously his dad takes the stick off him at times.
His dad is great parent who has his son with us 80% of the time because the mum is negligent - I have no issue with him being with us this much as I see it is best for him. He attends a mainstream school and is likely to be able to continue to do so, although with problems in one primary school who refused to accommodate him at all (they made him work alone in the corridor every day, it was disgusting) we jointly decided to take him out of school for a while for home schooling and it was the right decision. I would support that again if things went wrong again, but his new school are much more accommodating and allow him to wear hats and use fidget toys etc - they choose their battles well to accommodate Neurodiverse children from what I can see.
The more I type, the more I realise I have to learn to deal with this, I am only just starting to lose my temper with the situation (I do not shout at him, I ask him not to damage or use his tools on anything in my house) and I really want to find out how to deal with this better before our relationship is really damaged. I don't know what else to say - I would not be surprised if some elements of my post indicate my lack of understanding of autism and if any offence is caused. I apologise - it is not intended. I realise it may cause offence even if not intended, however, as you will all be parents of autistic children. I love and care for the lad, it is not nice to say this but the truth is that I can't have the same view of him that his dad has because I have not raised him his whole life, I've only known him two years, and one does not step straight into a parenting role - we have to get to know each other to develop whatever our relationship is, so it takes time.
I've never been involved in discipline as his dad wants his son and I to get on well, but I don't feel it's totally fair on me to not be able to speak up or take action, so I have started to do so very recently. I think if a tool is used for damage, it should be taken away, or if damage costs money, it should be paid for or contributed to by the aggressor even if they are a child - his father is more lenient and prefers to reason with him, but the behaviour resumes minutes or seconds later, it has no effect.
My partner is lovely and we only argue when my things are damaged again, and not every time at that. Is all of this typical for autistic children? What can I do to get better at this, apart from reach for the valium? Many thanks.
This whole site is for parents and carers and also for autistic adults. It is imperative that NeuroTypical parents/carers listen to Autistic adults regarding just how different our motives and experience of society is. We reason, understand and perceive completely different. One of the biggest obstructions to autistic children being afforded a healthy environment to learn and grow in is the NeuroTypical Sociopath. This person knows the difference between Right and Wrong and choose to use Empathy (a relating and understanding form of 'mind-reading') to play games and assert dominance.
The Autistic individual will never be able to manipulate the NeuroTypical individual. We have a completely different way of perceiving. Often, we spot inconsistencies, a lack of congruity and this causes distress. We are analytic in nature and Very Sensitive emotionally and intellectually, which can work in our favour as adults, but it requires a hyper-vigilant parent. It is 100% traumatising and overwhelming to try and understand NTypical adults if they are even the slightest bit unaware of intentionality or if their words do not match their actions. If we are lashing out it is a Very Bad place. We are often unheard, unseen, overlooked and misrepresented, and continually misunderstood. If we lash out we are beside ourselves with hurt and incredibly frustrated to a serious confusion by our emotions.
I had to buy The 48 Laws of Power to understand NTypical society. For every chapter there is a section where the "Law" won't work. And I might suggest this almost across the board will be Autistic reasoning. We look for compatibility and connexion. We will never thrive in competition.
It is no longer a matter of Right and Wrong, but entering a state survival mode. When an Autistics emotional state is heightened, it is not just difficult. it is similar to being at a carnival of horrors, with everything and every one screaming at you. There is probably a great deal of emotional stress he does not have the capacity to express. A loss of a mothers love would be enough.
Furthermore, I thought I had posted in the area of the forum that involves parents of autistic children - I must have posted in the wrong place, I'll have a look around the site and try again. I'm searching for increased understanding of the child's behaviour, rather than back and forth blame. Thank you for trying, as I said.
He hated being in the hall. . . He used to shrink as he approached the school. We took him out because he was feeling awfully persecuted and getting distressed about going to school. This does not happen at his new school.
You indicated thing that were not said, such as his dad ignoring him for his phone, hence my use of "reading in". I guess rather than reading in, I should have said you referred to things that have not been said or even implied. My apologies. I am a very literal person, so I took what you said literally.
I'm autistic. I'm choosing my words very pragmatically. "it sounds like" Is a way of saying you cannot convey to exacting precision on this forum and I cannot possibly have all the information. Please don't accuse autistic adults of reading into anything especially when you have asked for help. "IF the father..." is another intentional way of saying I don't have all the information here is a possibility.
On a forum for autistic individuals, non-autistics may have to learn to communicate how we communicate, just as we are expected to re-think all the possibilities of what a NeuroTypical individuals might "imply" when they speak. We appreciate - never black and white - but precise or brief and comprehensive communication. We don't use words to compete as it's completely unhelpful and I have not idea how society gets along like that. We use language as a resource and tool for connexion.
It's unhelpful to accuse an autistic individual of 'reading' into anything. we cannot ever read between the lines, so if there's something you're implying but not implicit with, it will cause communication error. It might not be anyone's fault, but better to recognise.
I don't think I mis-read this:
NAS79996 said:He disrespects every adult, he refuses to share, he refuses to say please and thank you, he refuses to basic tasks himself and screams for his dad when he wants a drink that he could get for himself, he speaks to his dad like a piece of dirt, for example when his dad says anything to him he'll answer with "why would I care" or similar
These are ALL signs of a distressed child. These are responses of a child who does not trust those who are supposed to care for them. He does not trust those in authority positions will think the best of him.
But also, autistic children do not know how to use language very well. Around 30 they may start to get the hang of it. Males "can" tend to lash out - not all males, thus the word can. Females "can" tend to self-hurt or internalise and shut down - not all females.
My VERY FIRST response here was that this situation needs a trained therapist. This is too complex. So, please don't ask for help, Say something such as:
NAS79996 said:perhaps you could be motivated to answer by wanting to help HIM
And then accuse someone who is autistic of doing something Very NeuroTypical. When they're trying to help think - through pieces of information on a very very complex problem that will take years to unwind, rework with a child who's neurotype is a completely mismatch for this society. For what it's worth, he may have enjoyed being in the hall outside of the classroom. You'll have to ask him when he's older. Most of us prefer quiet spaces without an overwhelming social group.
I know it is a very long post. My apologies. Actually, taking things off the boy has never led to a meltdown - the lad does not actually have meltdowns. I think his dad has a very long fuse which is very useful in this situation as he does not ever lose it or shout at his son, like so many parents do. He tries very hard to reason with him and explain why what he did was not ok and how it affects other people. I think the idea is that his son has the capacity to understand right from wrong, so his father is trying to focus on getting him to make better choices rather than punish him all the time. But I have just recently said to his dad that I think tools used for destruction should be taken away for a time, and that some contribution or involving him in repairs would be a good Idea. This destruction is all very recent stuff and never happens in a meltdown - the lad does not have them, as I said. He is formally diagnosed with ASD and sensory disorder (disorder may be the wrong word). ADD and ADHD have been ruled out. I will call the helplines, thank you for the advice.
The father never encourages smashing thing one day and not the next, he consistently tells him not to and allows him stinging nettles because the lad seems to have energy he wants to expend. I am looking for advice on how to deal with this better and further support my lovely partner in raising his son, this is not my partners fault or his sons fault, there is no fault in it, only a need to find out how to respond better on my part.
The son does not trust his mum, when he gets ill at school he always calls his dad because he knows his mum might not answer the phone or might not come and get him. We live an hour from the school as we enrolled him in school that is near where we are moving next week, so my partner drives him to and from school every day. We did this so that we did not have to make him move schools when we move. The mum lives five minutes from the school yet the boy knows he can only trust his dad.
Hi father always says please and thank you to everyone, I am not sure where you got this from. He's never spending time with his son while on his phone - he would not class that as spending time with his son, he would class that as ignoring his son. The mother ignores the child and gets embarrassed about his noises etc in public, his father and I feel completely different and don't have any embarrassment or need to make him be quiet - you've read in things that have not been said.
The reason I let them stay is because we are in a loving relationship, you don't throw your partner and his child out simply because his child is destructive, that would be so wrong.
I think the situation has been misunderstood, his dad does pull his weight and makes effort to spend huge amounts of time with his son, with and without me. He does a variety of things within him, we both do, from board games to learning to use tools safely to shaping and sanding wood. I'm not too sure where you got the idea of silence or betrayal from, he never gets treated to silence as a punishment, my post didn't suggest that. I guess I didn't get my point across. Thanks anyway I appreciate you trying to respond, it is long and complex. I don't think most parents necessarily charge their children for damage, from what I have seen. My partner earns very little and so charging him £50 for a trashed piece of furniture is not really ok.
I think you need to have a serious talk with his Dad, he is living in your home and you are his step-PARENT. It is possible the lad is playing up to the fact that you’re ‘not allowed’ to tell him off. If my daughter was using items to cause damage I would absolutely take them off her I’m not sure I understand why Dad is refusing to. Maybe he has got fed up of dealing with that action causing meltdowns in the past. Have you reached out to the National Autistic Society helplines? Sorry if I’ve missed or misread anything but I struggle to read very long posts
Please note if the father encourages smashing things one day and discourages it the next, this is chaotic parenting and severs trust and dependability- it creates stress for autistic children.
Autistics are wired to naturally become vigilant, loyal, dependable, integrating intent, words and actions. But to be subjected to an environment where one never knows what will be allowed and what won’t, when the parent is undisciplined with their structuring, is overwhelming for the child.
Becoming a parent is almost always accidental for most of us. But being a reliable and trust-worthy parent takes hard work.
This father needs to stop everything he is doing and spend time with this kid. If you really want them to stay continually reinforce the father give up his chilling out time and down time with you to engage with his son. Play games with him, teach him to build things. The father has to build a lot of broken trust with this child. And simply BE the behaviour he wants his son to exemplify.
If the father continually says please and thank you to YOU the son will follow. The father needs to take him to the kitchen before the child asks and affirm this child’s ability to do a thing for himself.
The more time you insist they spend alone and together, the more this child will appreciate you. But the father needs to be present and invested. If he’s hanging out with his son but on his phone, this is not time together.
If this child likes tools, have them fix the damage. Take the door off and have them fix it.
This child sounds like he’s had no one to rely on. With autistic children, discipline rarely works. These kids see the hypocrisy and can tell when there is a mismatch but due to struggles with language cannot identify or tell you why. To fix “behaviour”, a parent needs to fix their own. Autistic children who are protected and seen, have no need to try to express their distress.
This is really long and complex. You may need to allow others some time to think and provide thought-full advice, which is how autistic adults handle things. We are not impulsive, but the opposite. Some of us may take days to process and offer an idea, but this situation requires a trained professional.
I have only read half so far, and I don’t know why the father isn’t paying for the damage and why you continue to allow them to live there if he cannot pull his weight -it isn’t the child’s responsibility to be respectful if they feel dismissed and disrespected, they tend to mirror the way they are treated. NeuroTypical children may respond well to being ghosted or ignored, they are wired for tribal inclusion and competition. Autistic children are wired for real connexion not in a group, but one to one. So severing that connexion by turning away or silence is a betrayal it teaches the opposite and severs trust. It cruel and not helpful but will cause permanent damage.
Accusing children of seeking attention is never a healthy response. That is actually a parents job. Children don’t want “attention”, Corporations and adverts want attention. Children want to be understood, seen and loved. They want to feel protected and not as though they have to work out difficult circumstances on their own.
It could be worth having a look at how this man is negligent toward his son and find the parallel behaviours in how he’s negligent toward you. Only resentment will build, unfortunately. It just sounds like bad parenting.
Anyone. . . .
Is anybody there. . . I would appreciate any advice.