Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there, I have been with my partner for 2 years, he and his 10 (nearly 11) autistic son have lived with me in my home for almost a year and a half. His son and I get on very well in many ways, sharing a weird sense of humour and a love of going down strange conversational rabbit holes.
His son keep damaging things in my house - he smashed holes in a desk I let him use, so I now have no desk. He used a knife to shave pieces of wood off a chest of drawers in his room, and it is so destroyed that I can't even give it away - I tried to explain to him that some people can't even afford furniture and that it is not ok to destroy things like we are rich or like they are expendable. We don't have any spare money.
He gets large sticks and smashes other sticks in my garden but always does it among my plants, when there is plenty of room to do it elsewhere. He smashed a tile in on my bathroom wall, leading to a 10 day fix up job that involved many layers of filler, sanding, grout etc. He pulled the shower claw off the wall. He recently scratched marks into a freshly painted wall and claimed he could not remember doing it - his dad knows he did it, as do I. My sister bought me a Japanese maple for my 40th, he cut it with scissors and killed it. This is all done quietly when no one is looking.
We have been getting ever closer to moving in to a new house together, and I am going to rent my own house out, and so every bit of destruction makes this more difficult and expensive for me as I have to keep repairing things. His dad says he is doing it to get attention from him (his dad), not to upset me. I am very willing to accept that this is true, but it is difficult when the behaviour is all aimed at my house and my things. I guess part of the issue is that we live in my house and the furniture is mine etc so in a sense, most of what he has access to is mine. He however never damages his own things- there are no damaged gaming controller, consoles, or televisions because they are his and for his gaming, it seems many of you post about kids damaging things they use, but his own stuff is sacred to him, he only damages my stuff.
He ignores his dad when told not to destructive things and resumes them 30 seconds later. I don't know what I am posting on here for really, I guess I am wondering whether I just have to accept that I'll always be paying for damage he has caused, and some advice in learning to live with it and keep my temper, which I have entirely done until now, but it's getting difficult because I feel nervous in my own home and controlled by this.
We were all chilling out watching a programme he likes tonight and he swung a bottle opener (it opens like a butterfly knife which is why he wanted it, he is obsessed with blades and tools) around his fingers the entire time, ignoring his dad asking him not to because of the constant noise, and as he left the room, he dragged the sharp end of the bottle opener across my door.
His dad always taught him he does not HAVE to listen to someone just because they are an adult, and I actually agree with that, but his son interprets it as 'no one can tell me what to do unless they are a parent' - his son has said as much to me, that only parents can tell him anything (I actually think an 8 year-old can tell people what to do if what they are doing is stupid, so it's not about hierarchy for me). I'm the main breadwinner, I am doing up my own house through his destruction while we live in in, we are moving next week. I am also in the very early stages of a pregnancy that his son does not know about yet as we want to make sure everything is ok with the foetus before we disrupt his world with the news.
I want to have a good relationship with him, it was very good until a few months ago when enough damage had happened to my stuff only that I started to get upset and nervous in my home. I am struggling with the constant power struggle that he seems to be engaging in. He disrespects every adult, he refuses to share, he refuses to say please and thank you, he refuses to basic tasks himself and screams for his dad when he wants a drink that he could get for himself, he speaks to his dad like a piece of dirt, for example when his dad says anything to him he'll answer with "why would I care" or similar - that is the tip of the iceberg with how he speaks to his dad. The vast majority of things he says are negative or complaints, which is wearing on his father and on me. He smashes plants with sticks when we walk the dog, his dad tells him to stop but 30 seconds later he starts again, his dad tells him not to hit trees, he responds with its not a tree it's a bush, and he continues to lightly draw the stick across the trees and plants while looking sideways at his dad. He constantly points out different plants and asks if he can smash them. His dad let's him smash stinging nettles; I still hate the aggressive action and sound, it went on for 2.5 hours on the last walk I joined them on and it shot my nerves so badly I won't join them for a while as it is stressful and anxiety inducing. His dad told him this; the next walk involved constant requests to smash things. Obviously his dad takes the stick off him at times.
His dad is great parent who has his son with us 80% of the time because the mum is negligent - I have no issue with him being with us this much as I see it is best for him. He attends a mainstream school and is likely to be able to continue to do so, although with problems in one primary school who refused to accommodate him at all (they made him work alone in the corridor every day, it was disgusting) we jointly decided to take him out of school for a while for home schooling and it was the right decision. I would support that again if things went wrong again, but his new school are much more accommodating and allow him to wear hats and use fidget toys etc - they choose their battles well to accommodate Neurodiverse children from what I can see.
The more I type, the more I realise I have to learn to deal with this, I am only just starting to lose my temper with the situation (I do not shout at him, I ask him not to damage or use his tools on anything in my house) and I really want to find out how to deal with this better before our relationship is really damaged. I don't know what else to say - I would not be surprised if some elements of my post indicate my lack of understanding of autism and if any offence is caused. I apologise - it is not intended. I realise it may cause offence even if not intended, however, as you will all be parents of autistic children. I love and care for the lad, it is not nice to say this but the truth is that I can't have the same view of him that his dad has because I have not raised him his whole life, I've only known him two years, and one does not step straight into a parenting role - we have to get to know each other to develop whatever our relationship is, so it takes time.
I've never been involved in discipline as his dad wants his son and I to get on well, but I don't feel it's totally fair on me to not be able to speak up or take action, so I have started to do so very recently. I think if a tool is used for damage, it should be taken away, or if damage costs money, it should be paid for or contributed to by the aggressor even if they are a child - his father is more lenient and prefers to reason with him, but the behaviour resumes minutes or seconds later, it has no effect.
My partner is lovely and we only argue when my things are damaged again, and not every time at that. Is all of this typical for autistic children? What can I do to get better at this, apart from reach for the valium? Many thanks.
I've been with my wife 14 years she has a 27 yr old non verbal autistic child I love them both but it's to much for me she will always take his side and the natural dads side I'm out don't waste anymore of your time unless you like misery
Ian said: I prefer cognitive behavioural approaches. If your car breaks down on the motorway you want a mechanic to fix the problem
I was looking to find the root cause to prevent future "motorway breakdowns" as treating the symptoms only will not stop their recurrance.
There is space for both approaches to be used in unison I believe.
Hi Iain. Personal prejudice alert ... I am not keen on psychodynamic psychotherapy, which is what a lot of CAMHS services are modelled on. I prefer cognitive behavioural approaches. If your car breaks down on the motorway you want a mechanic to fix the problem, not someone to explain in detail how the problem was caused by your poor driving technique and the way your Dad taught you to drive.
@Juniper - with respect, I don't think you should make generalisation such as " ... It's unhelpful to accuse an autistic individual of 'reading' into anything. we cannot ever read between the lines,... " We are all different, and our autism takes different forms. By all means, own the statement and say " I cannot ... " but please do not post as if your experience is universal.
What I have found helpful is when I "read between the lines" as you put it, and I do it a lot in my job, I need to check back, maybe ask for "evidence" or triangulate against known facts. Then I have a "working hypothesis" which will either be confirmed or refuted by later experience.
Just to add to other peoples comments.
As someone has mentioned a united front is key and having a plan in place when the destructive behaviour happens. But most importantly communicate with the son BEGIRE an incident. Sit down the three of you and talk about the issues and ask him how he thinks you should respond if he damages things or how he would respond if you damaged his computer console, for example. Come up with a solution together. Talking to him in this way makes him aware it’s all of your responsibility as a family to resolve it and not just one person’s fault. Decide on, and write out if necessary, clear boundaries for when incidents happen that you ALL agree on. Then when an incident happens, though he will react, you are reinforcing what’s already been agreed. Autistic children need very clear boundaries and to feel in control.They also don’t cope very well with change and need routines. For this reason I’d also suggest, if you haven’t already, having a family calendar you can look at altogether at the start of the week and discuss everyone’s tasks. Plan specific days of the week to do quality time - eg. Tues eves dad & son tool time. This is much better than doing activities ad-hoc which can cause anxiety. Make sure you communicate in advance if any plans are going to change.
Just to note also that as he has a lot of big changes coming up - new school and baby - that his behaviour may worsen. Make sure you are clearly communicating altogether to make sure he feels supported and included in future plans.
Ian said: it may be that the changing family dynamics are the problem.
My initial thoughts were that ot sounds like he is actively trying to sabotage the relationship.
Maybe he wants more attention from his Dad or he wants his original parents back together. It can be difficult to put ourselves inside their head.
A child psychotherapist would make most sense to me and then following their recommendations on discipline, encouragement, safety etc.
The original post was over a year ago so I doubt they are still soliciting advice mind you.
You can't put up with that.
Is this angry and destructive behaviour happening elsewhere, e,g, at school? If so, it could be something like Oppositional Defiant Disorder or Conduct Disorder for which you need to get psychological/psychiatric help. [https://www.supportincornwall.org.uk/kb5/cornwall/directory/advice.page?id=co-pqa-3oBw for more info.]
If it is just at home, then it may be that the changing family dynamics are the problem. I was a bit concerned about the bit about "... His dad always taught him he does not HAVE to listen to someone just because they are an adult, and I actually agree with that, but his son interprets it as 'no one can tell me what to do unless they are a parent' - his son has said as much to me ... " It seems that he has taken this literally. He needs to understand that all adults {in authority} need to be respected. As for the parent bit, if you and your partner are moving in and co-parenting, do you have "parental responsibility" for him? If so maybe get Dad to try explaining that you have a Court order and that you too are now legally his parent. This might appeal to his logical mentality.
One approach to the damage is to have consequences.
Could Dad get him to help with the repairs? At ten he should be capable of helping to sand and re-paint the door, for example. Teach him to use his tools properly and learn some skills. "No, we can't play football in the park because I have to fix the door." (No reference to whose "fault" just a job that needs to take priority over his fun time.)
"Sorry, you can't have a new [insert here]. I haven't got the money because I have had to pay for the damage to ... Maybe next month. "
Does he get pocket money? Make him pay for the damage, even a nominal amount, and explain that these "consequences" are not about "punishment" it is what grown-up people do. Use social stories e.g. "If you break things you pay for them. If Dad is driving and hits another car he has to pay the other driver to get it repaired. If Mum accidentally breaks something in a shop she has to pay for it." Maybe a Go Henry account [htps://www.gohenry.com/uk ] would work where he can keep track of what he has earned and what he has paid out. Does he want a particular game or whatever? Get him to save for it. If he sees that his behaviour stops him from reaching his target, it might have an impact. Can he earn money by doing extra chores or by meeting targets at school, for example?"
The fascination with blades is also a worry. Maybe his Dad needs to take away his tools and only let him use them under supervision. He needs to learn that adults use tools responsibly, and he needs to prove that he is "grown up" enough to be trusted. Again, this is not about punishment but "natural consequences". If you live in England and Wales, you can point out to him that now he is ten he can get into trouble with the police if he causes criminal damage, or worse still, is caught with a bladed article in a public place. This includes school.
I think Dad needs to realise that he has to be consistent in his parenting. Sometimes the apple does not fall far from the tree - is Dad on the spectrum or ADHD? You might want to look at parenting classes for parents of teenagers for both of you.
I hope this helps ...
As a fairly new step parent to an autistic child, I can understand how challenging it must be when they unintentionally damage your house. It's important to remember that children with autism may have difficulty understanding the consequences of their actions. Building a supportive and understanding environment for your stepchild is crucial. Have you considered implementing some preventive measures to minimize the chances of damage? Also, ensuring their safety is paramount, especially when it comes to potential hazards like a [removed by mod] Take care and stay positive!
Hi there, I am also a step mum to my partner's son who is nearly 10. His son is autistic with ADHD and an intellectual disability. We moved in together a year and a half ago and I have noticed a real change in him over the last 6 months. We thought he would have trouble adjusting to the change of his dad meeting me and us all moving in together but we were really surprised how well he adjusted, and things were really good to start with. We have had more issues with him recently with his aggression and attitude, both at home and school (he attends a SEN school). We think it is his hormones that are causing this change so I wonder if this is might be a factor for your step son too?
I can only say that it sounds like you are doing the best you can under very challenging circumstances. I wanted to reach out to say that I understand how hard it can be as a step parent of an autistic child, but you seem to be a very supportive partner and step mum and that's wonderful. Just remember to look after your own mental health. It's difficult being the step parent as we don't always have the same the parental power to discipline and this can lead to frustration and stress. I don't discipline as such but I do express how upset and disappointed I am in his behaviour if he does something wrong. I try to explain in detail what he has done that is wrong, why it is bad and how it has made me feel. I also try to get him to understand how it would feel for him if something similar happened to him. I also make sure that his dad is aware and he issues punishment if necessary, i.e. removing xbox time. This works most of the time but recently with his hormones increasing, he has become very defiant and aggressive so it's not so easy. Not sure that this approach would work with your step son but it wouldn't hurt. At least he would be aware of the result of his actions.
From one step mum to another - you're doing great, hang in there and stay strong.
Hi, my son is 10 and also likes cutting and shaving furniture as well as hitting plants and trees with sticks. He likes to take apart many things as well.
I try to accept he likes this for sensory reasons and is also interested in small pieces of things. I try not to assume he wants to damage things. That helps not get angry.
Then I try to show appropriate things to cut, hit and poke, shave and take apart. Like woodworking, gardening, cleaning the garden, as well as exploring old electric devices. You cannot hit x with a stick but you can poke y. This diversion works. Many of these activities also have good uses in hobbies and careers so I tell him what he can do with these 'skills'. This channels it into a productive activity.
We also make lists of things to cut and not cut and why (for each item!). Things to poke and not poke. It helps.
I looked at your post this morning and have been thinking about what to say. I will be briefer than some who have explained autism very well.
I am autistic and have an autistic son. When I read your post I thought about the amount of change your step son has had. I find small changes difficult such as someone coming to my home to do some work and take a while to get over it. My son took many months to get used to moving to a new house nearby, but with the same parents. When things go wrong for my son I try to understand what it is like for him. Behaviour has an underlying message. As someone else said, asking for something is getting connection. We do small things he is capable of and sometimes he is able to do them himself. I was brought up to be very independent but I have learnt that therapeutic parenting builds bonds. He is gradually starting to do more things for himself but when he feels ready. Sometimes gaming is a way of switching off from the outside world. I do this by listening to music or walking in nature.
Regarding denying something has happened I think is a safety mechanism where the reality is too difficult to cope with.
The way to build a bond is to show you are interested in him and celebrate the positives. My husband and I have learnt a lot about football because this is one topic of conversation he can join in. If you are having a child together it is important to build a bond before, as he will see this change as a challenge. If his mother has not been a positive influence you may need to work on this. Have you thought of asking him about things that may help him feel part of your family. Is there something that can be done in his room, a new duvet cover? I see you mentioned a sensory disorder, my son likes soft clothing and cotton duvets as they are cooler.
Look up therapeutic parenting, about children with autism on here and see what you can do to change and help him feel accepted and understood. Respect him for who he is. Rabbit holes are a way of getting closer when things around are scary. Also there may be a group that meet or on Facebook near you for parents of children with autism to find out more.
I have looked at your original post and see you have mentioned moving house. If he is aware of that he may be worried about the change. Preparation when moving to reduce change as far as possible is important. Can you keep his room as similar to his current one as possible? I think there are previous posts about moving house.
i have had that problem with my family my nephew damaged my dads house in llantarnam my son was really scared and anxious me and my nephew dont speak to each other now
The way to build a bond is to show you are interested in him and celebrate the positives. My husband and I have learnt a lot about football because this is one topic of conversation he can join in. If you are having a child together it is important to build a bond before, as he will see this change as a challenge. If his mother has not been a positive influence you may need to work on this. Have you thought of asking him about things that may help him feel part of your family. Is there something that can be done in his room, a new duvet cover?
Hi, I am autistic myself and I grew up with my mum and my stepfather from age 9 onwards until I left for university. The situation you are describing sounds very complex and I can only speak from personal experience. I argued a lot with my stepfather and it caused a lot of issues in our family (though initially I did get along well with him). What I think is extremely important (and what wasn't the case in our family), is that parents (or in this case you and your partner) present a united front in front of the child. I know you are not the biological parent of the child, but from what you have said his son does live with you and his father most of the time. You mention that you are not meant to discipline him and that you and his father react differently to him damaging your property. I think what could help is if you and your partner talked about the parenting together (privately) and agreed on how you will deal with/ react to certain behaviour. I also think it is important that if his son is living with you, you and his father are on equal standing in terms of authority/ parenting status. Not sure if this is something you would consider? I am saying this because I wish that this had been the case in my family- I think that a lot of our problems stemmed from the fact that my mum and stepfather did not present a united front- that my stepfather did not have 'equal parenting rights' in my eyes (and in my mum's) and that my mum and stepfather did not discuss and agree on parenting strategies in private. My stepfather agrees that him not being on equal parenting standing contributed to a lot of issues. It is confusing for the child- it also indirectly in my case resulted in less respect for my stepfather and in the long term and as I got older it resulted in me sometimes causing trouble/arguments between my Mum and stepfather (which I regret and am not proud of). This would not have been possible if my Mum and stepfather had been more united in their parenting. I think a factor that also played a role for me was jealously possibly- it sounds crazy maybe but I was extremely attached to my Mum and had become used to living with her alone and having her full attention- I think indirectly my stepfather's presence made me feel insecure and also jealous. This caused issues too. Have you considered that his son might also be feeling worried that he no longer has his dad's full attention? (In my case it wasn't even that my Mum was in fact giving me less time and attention, but it was a big change and I think I was worried about this deep down). I actually got along very well with my stepfather, even during the years that we argued so much, when I was alone with him and when my Mum wasn't around.
I have no idea if any of this is helpful. I have spoken mainly about my own experience so this might not apply to you at all. My main suggestion would be to maybe try to be more equal in terms of parenting status and to talk to your partner and come up with strategies/ways in which you will react to this behaviour- then be consistent about that.
I hope you figure it out! It sounds like you are very motivated and willing to try and make it work and also like you have a good relationship with his son.
Best, Ann
I would have thought that encouraging independence would be better for him, he will be at secondary school next year and being willing to get his own drink is going to be necessary so I think we will encourage independence so far as possible with small things like that. He asks for hugs when he wants them, when he shouts for drinks he just doesn't want to have to walk downstairs and pause his gaming console, everyone is lazy when they can be, I'm not suggesting it makes him a bad child. I'm concerned about how he will do at secondary school, his mum insisted upon a "good" school, whatever that means, and I get the impression the secondary school won't accommodate his hat wearing or fidget toys or his need to make noises and shout. If he gets anxious and upset by school again, my partner will home school him again while we work out an alternative, or get some tutors in, or save for a Steiner school if it seems suitable. Some of it may well be to masking, but it really seems that a school for SEN students would not suit him at all, but it is possible he's having to do a lot to try to "fit in". Either way he certainly seems happier at his new school, they have a sort of chill out room when the kids need it, occasionally teachers have time to play chess with him etc. We will have to see I guess. I will look at the links, thank you for them.
NAS79996 said:One does not have to be sociopathic to know right from wrong
I brought this point up because from what I'm hearing you express, your perception of him is that he is NeuroTypical:
NAS79996 said:constant power struggle that he seems to be engaging in
For an Autistic, there isn't a power struggle unless we are defending ourselves. You could think of him like moving a broken down tractor or an animal with a hurt paw. Not a power struggle. There is a kind of natural force involved, and while an Autistic child may want to feel understood (a lack of being heard/seen is highly isolating and an unnatural state of existence for all humans), or may want a bandage or a glass of water, this childs needs are Valid and from what it sounds, desperate.
But to start with the assumption there is an antagonising fight for dominance won't help and it might make matters worse.
Francesca Happé at Kings College has done a great deal of research here. It is no small matter to note the difference between the NeuroTypical sociopath or psychopath and the Autist, who is not NeuroTypical in the least. The main difference is competition. You can have competition OR connexion, but never both.
Here are some links to help understand Autism. Also even if he can do a thing for himself, he wants to feel connected with, heard, understood, desired. Small acts of kindness are how we connect. If he wants an adult to get him a drink, he's essentially asking for a hug. These little things hurt no one. Of course he can do it alone. We can all do 'life' alone. But we don't want to. Everything is far more meaningful in relationship with someone we desire a relationship with.
https://autcollab.org/2020/04/30/autism-the-cultural-immune-system-of-human-societies/?fbclid=IwAR37xumHkRga0hADICA80wxaWycn7_Kr9Oc6uZhcs2zJ0QzamXOI4qwU2bQ
https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-32/august-2019/me-and-monotropism-unified-theory-autism
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/everyday-neurodiversity/202108/are-we-giving-autistic-children-ptsd-school?fbclid=IwAR0e6pwWeDC7C0c3EJAE1qdd9PyMyCqkgwIvTDEIxPKGBOV7Qn9hrgN5kI8
You have posted in the parents and carer’s area however when I’m on my phone it shows all the most recent posts together at once so they are often read by the autistic adults using the forum as well
One does not have to be sociopathic to know right from wrong, although I doubt you meant it so literally. It's a good thing to teach empathy, I don't know anything about using it to create guilt and control, only to create understanding that you should not stamp on a bee, for example, or hurt others. I didn't know that autistic children cannot tell right from wrong, if that is what you are saying. From the boy's conversations, he knows right from wrong - he does not like it when children at his school use homophobic or racial slurs etc. He is aware of other children's bad behaviour and knows it is not ok for them to break things, he talks about it when other kids do it. I don't think we are having the same conversation. I'm going to call the helpline as the person below has usefully suggested.