Developing interests and hobbies

Not everyone who's autistic has a special interest that absorbs them, many of us don't, we might have a range of things, or we may just like sitting and staring into space.

it sounds like it bothers you much more than it bothers her?

Hi!

It’s not uncommon for kids, especially those with ASD, to feel overwhelmed or uninterested in activities that we think might be great for them. Sometimes, it’s just about finding the right way to introduce them to these hobbies without any pressure.

Maybe instead of formal classes, you could try something more relaxed at home first. Like for music, setting up a fun, no-pressure environment where she can explore on her own terms might help. I’ve found that online options, like music lessons online, can be less intimidating and let kids learn at their own pace. She could check out some lessons from home, and it might spark more interest if she feels like she’s in control of the experience.

Here's an idea - Something like this may help https://yorkshiresoundwomen.com

But I would simply give your daughter the link and allow her to join their group online. If you're not near the area, perhaps someone in this group can recommend one near where you are. 

Also, if you'd like help understanding what appears like a contradiction, feel free to express! 

Autistics often have to consciously recollect NeuroTypical social 'codes' (if we've been taught them) which fit into what we call Tribal Inclusiveness.  This helps us remember a Typical human may not actually be asking for the rules to a game or about the physics of black holes, just having a moment echoing back whatever the current hail is which makes everyone feel connected. To us, the NT brain seems confusion at best. 

I'd suggest to view Autistic wiring like a hyper-connected symmetrically wired brain, something like a massive library-machine auto-collecting details at warp speed. We aren't born with a brain that's focused on the language/semiotics for tribal endeavours (and language has been thought a key to dulling the senses). 

 If, let's say, we're having a conversation, we can pretend the brain looks like an escape room. There's like, 2 easy puzzles for a Typical brain and everyone is shouting the answer from the audience. For the Autist, we can see a dozen or so and it's like every time we decode one problem another pops up and sometimes they're interconnected to many others - the task becomes overwhelming enough, so dealing with an external world that is over stimulating and then social issues which are nebulous and not precise become too much. Precision, calculation, the kindness of reasoning with, of dependability, matters of creating and maintaining Trust... these are key. We can tend to have a rich inner life, which can be a fog when young, but with enough knowledge and exposure in safe environments we can start to breathe a little more and find room for thinking about secondary things like how to put a stable life in order. 

This is another good blog thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/.../me-and-monotropism-unified-theory-autism

Thank you Ann, Yes it is a very strange condition with many contradictions.

Hi :), The theatre group was one of the classes at my school (we could pick between art, music or theatre in the final years) and I once also had a part in the school play. I am not sure what it was about the theatre group that made it more ok than other group activities. When I was younger (12-13) I had very little stage fright in terms of theatre and then later I developed quite bad stage fright. I think maybe when acting and being in a theatre group, there is less pressure to conform to social norms, there is more flexibility (everyone is acting) so there is less pressure to try and work out how to act and it is easier to fit in (which in turn makes it less exhausting). I liked the teacher that was running it as well. I'm not sure though why theatre might have been more ok. Sorry that I can't give a better explanation. 

Theatre didn't end up being my main passion though- I ended up loving science, hiking and other outdoor activities much more :). 

There are actually quite a few autistic comedians and actors: have you heard of Hannah Gadsby? This TED talk by her was recommended to me by an autistic friend when I first realised that I am  also on the spectrum:  Hannah Gadsby: Three ideas. Three contradictions. Or not. | TED Talk

Also there is Michael McCreary, a stand up comedian - I actually recently listened to the audiobook of his book: Funny, You Don't Look Autistic | Annick Press 

For me it is still a very recent revelation that I am autistic and I am still learning lots- what has become clear to me though is that we are all very different. 

I hope your daughter figures out what she likes and what is good for her. I'm still learning myself to find the right balance and to do what is right for me. Best, Ann 

Hi Anne,

 Thank you for your thoughts.For interest what was it about  your theatre group which meant it was not stressful for you whereas most other group activities were very hard for you? The answer to this question could provide me with good insight.into the way the ASD mind works. Maybe it is something about society and it is not just relevant to the ASD community, but kids these days seem to think that they should be good at everything and I am hoping that my daughter is not rejecting my suggestions because she thinks she will not be good at them. There are so many things I have done throughout my life which I was crap at but really enjoyed... and I continued to do them regardless and my life was better for it.

Hi :) I was thinking about this some more and I just wanted to add that it is important to remember that social interactions especially group activities but also activities with only 1 person can be very exhausting and take a lot of effort. Everyone's threshold is different but it is very possible that after a full day of school the capacity for social interaction is already full or even exceeded and it's very important to have time to recover from this (to avoid burnout etc). 

I know that for me with a full time job (though I have a lot of flexibility with working hours), I often do not have the capacity for meeting people on the weekend and for sure not in the evenings eg. if I had a busy week, even a short walk with a friend on the weekend may be too much- it's not that I do not like seeing these people, but I just need time to recuperate. There are some special people though where this applies less to and I will happily spend more time with them. Group activities are something that I avoid. It can be a bit confusing and frustrating sometimes that I seem to have lower capacity for social interactions than my colleagues but I am learning to honour this for my well being. 

Hi,

Just because someone is good at something does not mean that they enjoy doing it- I knew someone at university that only picked their subject because they were very good at it (and they were extremely good at it- Cambridge university) but they didn't actually enjoy doing it and in the end had a miserable time and really struggled (had to intermit and almost dropped out). When I was at school my teachers and mum thought I was good at art - however I realised that I did not enjoy the process (only the end product) and dropped out of the art class and switched to theatre, which I was very bad at but actually enjoyed much more. 

Joining in group activities can also be very stressful and overwhelming, so this could be another reason why your daughter is not keen to join any of these activities. 

Finding a hobby your really love is not always easy- it took me a long time to discover my passion for hiking (only realised when I was 18 and it has become one of my favourite hobbies- funnily I was really bad at it initially as I was super unfit- but I loved it so much and I then started training and getting much much fitter and quite good at it). I don't know but maybe take off the pressure. 11 is still very young and she still has plenty of time to find her hobby. Maybe propose some possible activities your daughter could join  and talk to her about what she might like to do in her free time and what she enjoys (as a compromise could you maybe suggest she goes once to see what it is like and doesn't have to go again if she doesn't like it? If it is not too stressful?). It is a fine balance. When I was younger my mum would suggest that I join clubs etc but ultimately when I refused she wouldn't make me go- I sometimes wish that I had engaged in more activities (eg. joined the soccer club sooner), but I probably just wasn't ready at the time and it would have been too stressful for me. It's hard to know what is best, as sometimes it does take some moving out of your comfort zone, but too much too soon can also be bad- (in my experience it is easiest to actually move out of your comfort zone when you do really want to do that activity/see the end goal- for me maybe this was going on a hiking trip with someone I barely knew- However even with time there are things that I probably will never feel comfortable doing- eg. going on a hike in a big group is something I just don't think I would want to do.) 

I really hope your daughter finds what she loves. I would let go of the idea that it has to be something she is good at at the moment- the most important thing is that she loves it and enjoys it- you can get so far with passion and motivation and there is so much room to learn and improve. The difficult thing is that to find your hobby you do have to try out things to see whether you like them... 

No idea if any of this helps. I just based this on my own experience (I'm now 25 and only recently realised that I am autistic.). 

I hope your daughter does find something she loves!! Like you say it is so nice to have a hobby and passion that gives some stability and goals in life :) 

Thank yo guys for all your help

In terms of learning and practicing an interest of hers by herself, doing things on her own will build her independence. Managing things herself is a part of developing independence, and even though she's in her room, she can still learn many skills there.   

To build other areas of independence, she could go out with you to grocery shop and other things, and be taught about personal safety, about using money, and common things like that. Then when she's a bit older, maybe she can go to the store by herself to pick up a few items for you. 

Maybe an afterschool club, or some volunteer work, could build her social skills. After school clubs are just fun activities, sometimes they watch a movie, or grow a plant, or do some arts and crafts, or draw. There's no pressure to memorize and study things, or to compete with each other, so people can form bonds. Volunteer work can teach people new skills, they can visit new places, form new connections, and it's always great to help others in need, and it gives them a glimpse of what a type of work might be like (for instance, volunteer secretary, tutor, announcer, will give them a glimpse into that type of work, and to see if they'll enjoy it or not).

Yes - it is a difficult balance. As an autistic mother of an autistic son I often worry that I relate so much to his anxieties and desire to avoid social situations that I don’t encourage him out of his comfort zone enough - it’s so hard to get it right. 

Hi Hippo and Kate,

I hear exactly what you are saying. My problem is that my daughter will  need to be independent of me when she is an adult and I am fearful if she stays in her room that she will not develop the skills to operate in this world. Dr Temple Grandin(??) says to get them out, other experts say to not push them. It is doing my head in because I feel as though whatever I do is going to be wrong and that I am going to make her life miserable. She is a great kid and I honestly feel that she could in some small way make the world a better place - if I get it right!

Depite the above, with respect to learning on her own, that does resonance with me ..... she likes to manage herself.

This comment is useful as it has got me thinking on a different level. My daughter loves  speed  and climbing so maybe I should try out activities which have that as an element!

It sounds as though your daughter is interested in vans. I wonder if she tried these things ( as Juniper says) because she is trying out different sorts of motion?

thank you for this

Hi Juniper,

Thank you. You have hit it on the head in this aspect. One of the reasons i want her to explore her musicality is that these days, music and tech can be done at home using technology and I thought if she could at least have part of her working life at home, then  that could be a good thing for her. I did try vocal lessons  but as you say, the teacher was clueless and I was really cross because the business had said they have a few ASD students. She now refuses to consider the idea. I had not thought about the library - it could be a good idea to try. Thank you

We mature much slower and I suggest females even more so than males. 

And yes, our biggest competition is our selves, being around others can make it difficult to learn due to extra social stresses. 

One-on-one vocal lessons might be good, but provided the instructor knows how to teach autistic students - we understand everything different. It is far more important to have fundamental concepts and build on them. But I wouldn't suggest vocal lessons until around 15 as the voice has yet to develop. 

What is she listening to on her iPad? Would she be interested in learning to make her own audio book? Would she be interested in building a game with software? There does seem to be many NeuroDivergent women in music tech. Perhaps this is a better avenue to look into. She may need to see what this looks like. When I was her age I just wanted to build forts and make things. 

Does she prefer audio books because she has a sort of dyslexia? Or would she like to go to the library once a week and just get lost in it? This IS a hobby and quite a good one. A quiet place with a wealth of knowledge and hopefully a listening station where one can put headphones on and listen to vinyl. There are so many jobs which do this exact thing. From critics who write for a myriad of music magazines or The Times Literary Supplement (Caitlin Moran started as a music journalist), to Music Supervisors and Sound Editors and the Music Supervisors who grew up with enough money to collect a library of music would get the jobs. Perhaps she could get a tour of a radio station or meet others making podcasts. Or maybe there is a theme in what she is listening to that will be a hint into what she is drawn to. Just some ideas.  

I may have mentioned it before, but look for what connects all these things. I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere between 18-30 she shows a more invested interest in the Laws of Motion. Thrust, momentum, trajectory. Di Vinci was obsessed with this.

I have to say I agree with  ‘Hippo……..’ - an organised group class with other people is probably very stressful for her because of the other people. Myself and my son feel this way - so things like that a very intimidating for us. Having said that I sometimes feel it would be ‘good for us’ to do things like that - if we had the courage. It’s a difficult balance. I’d say maybe encourage your daughter to try things like this - but don’t  pressure her. Make it clear to her that you understand if she is firm about not feeling she wants to go to group activities. Be encouraging but also accepting of her needs and wishes. 

Hi NAS79172,

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Clare Mod