Published on 12, July, 2020
My daughter is 11 diagnosed with ASD during the pandemic. She is artistic, musical and can sing in tune and reasonably good at running. She certainly would not be in the gifted range for these things but she does have flair and would be above average. Honestly, I would love to have had these gifts myself!
However she does not want to develop these interests. Does not want to take an art class, refuses to sing at trial singing lessons, will not join a choir, wants to quit piano etc etc At home, she hides in her room and listens to audio books or play on the ipad. I have suggested group music lessons which she says is the worst thing. She says she hates art and does not like running. We have told her that we want her to find a hobby or interest that she loves doing-she is even not interested in learning how to create her own computer games. I find this a bit strange because usually people like doing things they are good at.
I would like her to develop a few of her talents because I know that it will help her in her some way in the future- mentally, emotionally and physically ( or even lead to future employment) but I do not know whether it is wise to insist she joins in the extra curricular classes that will develop these talents- taking into account that she is autistic and also is it right to insist?. If you do think I should insist, how many classes would be reasonable for an 11 year old autistic child? I do not want to overload her and I am not sure of what a good balance looks like.
Alternatively any ideas on how we can find her a hobby since she seems so reluctant to try things.
I also find this situation a bit strange as I thought most people with ASD naturally gravitated towards an interest and this interest becomes all consuming for them...
Your experience and wisdom appreciated.
Hi,
Just because someone is good at something does not mean that they enjoy doing it- I knew someone at university that only picked their subject because they were very good at it (and they were extremely good at it- Cambridge university) but they didn't actually enjoy doing it and in the end had a miserable time and really struggled (had to intermit and almost dropped out). When I was at school my teachers and mum thought I was good at art - however I realised that I did not enjoy the process (only the end product) and dropped out of the art class and switched to theatre, which I was very bad at but actually enjoyed much more.
Joining in group activities can also be very stressful and overwhelming, so this could be another reason why your daughter is not keen to join any of these activities.
Finding a hobby your really love is not always easy- it took me a long time to discover my passion for hiking (only realised when I was 18 and it has become one of my favourite hobbies- funnily I was really bad at it initially as I was super unfit- but I loved it so much and I then started training and getting much much fitter and quite good at it). I don't know but maybe take off the pressure. 11 is still very young and she still has plenty of time to find her hobby. Maybe propose some possible activities your daughter could join and talk to her about what she might like to do in her free time and what she enjoys (as a compromise could you maybe suggest she goes once to see what it is like and doesn't have to go again if she doesn't like it? If it is not too stressful?). It is a fine balance. When I was younger my mum would suggest that I join clubs etc but ultimately when I refused she wouldn't make me go- I sometimes wish that I had engaged in more activities (eg. joined the soccer club sooner), but I probably just wasn't ready at the time and it would have been too stressful for me. It's hard to know what is best, as sometimes it does take some moving out of your comfort zone, but too much too soon can also be bad- (in my experience it is easiest to actually move out of your comfort zone when you do really want to do that activity/see the end goal- for me maybe this was going on a hiking trip with someone I barely knew- However even with time there are things that I probably will never feel comfortable doing- eg. going on a hike in a big group is something I just don't think I would want to do.)
I really hope your daughter finds what she loves. I would let go of the idea that it has to be something she is good at at the moment- the most important thing is that she loves it and enjoys it- you can get so far with passion and motivation and there is so much room to learn and improve. The difficult thing is that to find your hobby you do have to try out things to see whether you like them...
No idea if any of this helps. I just based this on my own experience (I'm now 25 and only recently realised that I am autistic.).
I hope your daughter does find something she loves!! Like you say it is so nice to have a hobby and passion that gives some stability and goals in life :)
Hi :) I was thinking about this some more and I just wanted to add that it is important to remember that social interactions especially group activities but also activities with only 1 person can be very exhausting and take a lot of effort. Everyone's threshold is different but it is very possible that after a full day of school the capacity for social interaction is already full or even exceeded and it's very important to have time to recover from this (to avoid burnout etc).
I know that for me with a full time job (though I have a lot of flexibility with working hours), I often do not have the capacity for meeting people on the weekend and for sure not in the evenings eg. if I had a busy week, even a short walk with a friend on the weekend may be too much- it's not that I do not like seeing these people, but I just need time to recuperate. There are some special people though where this applies less to and I will happily spend more time with them. Group activities are something that I avoid. It can be a bit confusing and frustrating sometimes that I seem to have lower capacity for social interactions than my colleagues but I am learning to honour this for my well being.
Hi Anne,
Thank you for your thoughts.For interest what was it about your theatre group which meant it was not stressful for you whereas most other group activities were very hard for you? The answer to this question could provide me with good insight.into the way the ASD mind works. Maybe it is something about society and it is not just relevant to the ASD community, but kids these days seem to think that they should be good at everything and I am hoping that my daughter is not rejecting my suggestions because she thinks she will not be good at them. There are so many things I have done throughout my life which I was crap at but really enjoyed... and I continued to do them regardless and my life was better for it.
Here's an idea - Something like this may help https://yorkshiresoundwomen.com
But I would simply give your daughter the link and allow her to join their group online. If you're not near the area, perhaps someone in this group can recommend one near where you are.
Also, if you'd like help understanding what appears like a contradiction, feel free to express!
Autistics often have to consciously recollect NeuroTypical social 'codes' (if we've been taught them) which fit into what we call Tribal Inclusiveness. This helps us remember a Typical human may not actually be asking for the rules to a game or about the physics of black holes, just having a moment echoing back whatever the current hail is which makes everyone feel connected. To us, the NT brain seems confusion at best.
I'd suggest to view Autistic wiring like a hyper-connected symmetrically wired brain, something like a massive library-machine auto-collecting details at warp speed. We aren't born with a brain that's focused on the language/semiotics for tribal endeavours (and language has been thought a key to dulling the senses).
If, let's say, we're having a conversation, we can pretend the brain looks like an escape room. There's like, 2 easy puzzles for a Typical brain and everyone is shouting the answer from the audience. For the Autist, we can see a dozen or so and it's like every time we decode one problem another pops up and sometimes they're interconnected to many others - the task becomes overwhelming enough, so dealing with an external world that is over stimulating and then social issues which are nebulous and not precise become too much. Precision, calculation, the kindness of reasoning with, of dependability, matters of creating and maintaining Trust... these are key. We can tend to have a rich inner life, which can be a fog when young, but with enough knowledge and exposure in safe environments we can start to breathe a little more and find room for thinking about secondary things like how to put a stable life in order.
This is another good blog thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/.../me-and-monotropism-unified-theory-autism