Published on 12, July, 2020
My daughter is 11 diagnosed with ASD during the pandemic. She is artistic, musical and can sing in tune and reasonably good at running. She certainly would not be in the gifted range for these things but she does have flair and would be above average. Honestly, I would love to have had these gifts myself!
However she does not want to develop these interests. Does not want to take an art class, refuses to sing at trial singing lessons, will not join a choir, wants to quit piano etc etc At home, she hides in her room and listens to audio books or play on the ipad. I have suggested group music lessons which she says is the worst thing. She says she hates art and does not like running. We have told her that we want her to find a hobby or interest that she loves doing-she is even not interested in learning how to create her own computer games. I find this a bit strange because usually people like doing things they are good at.
I would like her to develop a few of her talents because I know that it will help her in her some way in the future- mentally, emotionally and physically ( or even lead to future employment) but I do not know whether it is wise to insist she joins in the extra curricular classes that will develop these talents- taking into account that she is autistic and also is it right to insist?. If you do think I should insist, how many classes would be reasonable for an 11 year old autistic child? I do not want to overload her and I am not sure of what a good balance looks like.
Alternatively any ideas on how we can find her a hobby since she seems so reluctant to try things.
I also find this situation a bit strange as I thought most people with ASD naturally gravitated towards an interest and this interest becomes all consuming for them...
Your experience and wisdom appreciated.
Well, taking classes versus indulging in a hobby on your own is quite different. Classes are very structured and about strenuous practice, and that can take the fun out of an interest. Also, classes that include other people can make things stressful because of the comparison being made on how good you are compared to others in the class. It's like how you mentioned that your daughter is not in the gifted range, but she is above average in her flair, but what or who are you comparing that to?
Your daughter is gifted regardless. You might be upset by her hiding in the room listening to audio books and playing on the ipad, but to be honest, that's where she can develop her interests the most, and it's not uncommon for people who are autistic to spend copious amounts of time on their own. We are not always great at social activities and engagements, so these things about taking a class, joining a choir, taking singing and piano lessons, and group lessons can be areas of stress for us. This is not the greatest method for us.
I mean, your daughter would likely do better at learning and developing her skills independently and on her own, from downloading, reading, playing, and listening to things on her ipad, rather than from the group engagement methods that you've listed. She'll likely learn better from independently reading a book, than she would from learning from a teacher.
I have to say I agree with ‘Hippo……..’ - an organised group class with other people is probably very stressful for her because of the other people. Myself and my son feel this way - so things like that a very intimidating for us. Having said that I sometimes feel it would be ‘good for us’ to do things like that - if we had the courage. It’s a difficult balance. I’d say maybe encourage your daughter to try things like this - but don’t pressure her. Make it clear to her that you understand if she is firm about not feeling she wants to go to group activities. Be encouraging but also accepting of her needs and wishes.
Hi Hippo and Kate,
I hear exactly what you are saying. My problem is that my daughter will need to be independent of me when she is an adult and I am fearful if she stays in her room that she will not develop the skills to operate in this world. Dr Temple Grandin(??) says to get them out, other experts say to not push them. It is doing my head in because I feel as though whatever I do is going to be wrong and that I am going to make her life miserable. She is a great kid and I honestly feel that she could in some small way make the world a better place - if I get it right!
Depite the above, with respect to learning on her own, that does resonance with me ..... she likes to manage herself.
Thank yo guys for all your help
In terms of learning and practicing an interest of hers by herself, doing things on her own will build her independence. Managing things herself is a part of developing independence, and even though she's in her room, she can still learn many skills there.
To build other areas of independence, she could go out with you to grocery shop and other things, and be taught about personal safety, about using money, and common things like that. Then when she's a bit older, maybe she can go to the store by herself to pick up a few items for you.
Maybe an afterschool club, or some volunteer work, could build her social skills. After school clubs are just fun activities, sometimes they watch a movie, or grow a plant, or do some arts and crafts, or draw. There's no pressure to memorize and study things, or to compete with each other, so people can form bonds. Volunteer work can teach people new skills, they can visit new places, form new connections, and it's always great to help others in need, and it gives them a glimpse of what a type of work might be like (for instance, volunteer secretary, tutor, announcer, will give them a glimpse into that type of work, and to see if they'll enjoy it or not).