Wandering. Update:

ParentingAutism said:

Unfortunately both of my daughter's don't like going to their dad's and we are trying to get to the bottom of this. She is always distressed when she comes back. I believe it's because she's masking it at her dad's

I don't know your situation but I don't think kids should be or have to mask with their parents. Is there good communication between you and their Father and is their Father fully aware and educated regarding your daughters diagnoses ? I assume there has been a formal diagnoses ? It is very common for estranged Fathers, not having gone through the process themselves with their children directly, to dismiss or be ignorant of a professional diagnoses that has already been given. Having things sprung upon them can lead to suspicion and denial etc etc.  Autism is something no-one can be expected to grasp in a few weeks or months so it may be useful to send links explaining the intricacies and challenges involved to your husband and to send him to any local Autism awareness classes locally that are often available through National or local charities and help & community groups. I know one previously sceptical, estranged  Father who went on one of these day courses and came back a little bit more enlightened and even a little evangelical about his new found knowledge.  

ParentingAutism said:

She told me that he said that she's not autistic and that she should be in a mainstream school.

This is denial or ignorance, hence my advice above. This needs to be cleared up between you and your ex ASAP. Like most relationships, this is a communication problem and the conduct of such. 

ParentingAutism said:

I do see friends every now and again and we get their nan to come and look after them. Their dad isn't my husband. My husband is their step dad. Thanks for this. 

That's great, you have plenty of scope for days off and breaks which many don't have. Perhaps you should seek counselling if you are finding it hard to perceive what is going on or needs to be done ? Sometimes we all get stuck in a rut. 

Unfortunately both of my daughter's don't like going to their dad's and we are trying to get to the bottom of this. She is always distressed when she comes back. I believe it's because she's masking it at her dad's. She told me that he said that she's not autistic and that she should be in a mainstream school. They don't like it when she has chewies and say she only used them because she had nothing else to do. They are also very social and we're not. They do see him whenever he is off, which is around 2/3 times a month. He's a paramedic so he tries to have them on the few days he's off.

I do see friends every now and again and we get their nan to come and look after them. Their dad isn't my husband. My husband is their step dad. Thanks for this. 

Wow, what an informative read. Thanks for sharing the link.

This is a free download: https://www.thearticulateautistic.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/Unintentional-Gaslighting-Jaime-A.-Heidel-The-Articulate-Autistic.pdf 

ParentingAutism said:

She has trust issues and doesn't have much confidence in herself which effects her.

I know you're overloaded but when you say things like this, it sounds as though you have been given very little understanding of the  Autistic Brain. If you're feeling misunderstood and misjudged on here, then please understand - most likely this is her experience from you every day. 

I cannot stress how monumental the difference is between ASC individuals and Neurotypicals. We not only use language differently, we experience life completely differently. Some are far more intelligent and can perceive things which take NTs a university diploma to understand. This is part of the reason I suggest she needs an Autistic Therapist and you could use one as well - if not just for the education which could possibly make everything entirely different - overnight. 

I'm going to second Turtle about her father taking more responsibility. Is he autistic? You need a day off every week and time to begin to learn how she perceives and experiences life. 

This woman is amazing at articulating the Autistic experience: https://www.instagram.com/thearticulateautistic/

She could be the catalyst you need to smooth everything over with your daughter - if not just to have a real interaction with someone who can give Practical Solutions and understand. Perhaps you can book a one-on-one session to see if her life advice can find a solution to make your life easier https://linktr.ee/thearticulateautistic

Yes that's understandable and my heart goes out to you but from what you say it sounds like their Father is not sharing the responsibilities ? Is it possible he could take them for at least one overnight stay per week or 2 full days per week to give you some time to yourself ? I say this as we all need a break from each other and a change of scenery would do the kids good at the same time. 

You say your husband ( I don't know if this is their Father ) finishes work at 4pm and has weekends off so there is plenty of scope there for you to get a night out or a day away with friends or family ? Even a movie night by yourself or a yoga class to recharge the batteries ? We can't all just plod through life like stressed robots and expect things to get better somewhere down the road. A life that is simply functional or barely functional is no life at all. We need to be able to enjoy life and each others company but we need great focus, observation, understanding and awareness to actually make the changes necessary. Yes there are days when you will just want a quiet life and everything to run smoothly but you will also need awareness of the situation overall and how to improve your standard of living little by little, one step at a time. In order to take care of others, you must acknowledge and find ways to take care of yourself along the way. 

If everyone is stressed, children will pick up on this. 

Remember the aeroplane emergency analogy:  First put on your own oxygen mask.  Please don't place any guilt on yourself for her bad behaviour. With the exception of very young children, or those who have received trauma to certain parts of the brain through accident or disease, every human being has agency and has the capacity to make their own choices. The hard work (and sacrifice) of parents and carers always goes unrecognised and unrewarded. And for carers who are raising kids with neurodevelopmental differences and facing challenges that other parents never have to consider, when they reach out for support the last thing they should be subjected to is harsh criticism and judgment. 

Thank you, I am struggling myself. She has trust issues and doesn't have much confidence in herself which effects her. I don't get any alone time by myself unless I'm in bed or in the evening if the kids are upstairs. Otherwise I'm looking after my children from 5am earliest till 9 maybe 10pm. And my husband work Monday to Friday, 6am - 4 so I'm alone looking after 3 children and a dog. I struggled this morning. My son stood on my daughter's face for no reason at all. That started a war but luckily she exploded and went straight upstairs into my bedroom and calmed herself down. I have praised her for this because she could've left. 

We are building the extension so they can have their own rooms. We were going to move house last year but she was not coping well with everything and adding that on just killed her mentally. She can go outside, in her bedroom, my room, which are always the quietest. She like watching the builders from her bedroom window. She's always talking about the younger boys! She does have ear defenders but no longer uses them when we're around. Her school specialises in autism so they have a small sensory room students can go to. 

She struggles with the summer holidays more because she has been fine overall up to now. We had the same issue last year. 

Thank you, it is so hard and I feel like no one understands what im going through. I make her sound awful but it's hard to explain and understand when you don't know the whole situation. 

Thank you, we are trying to get her into therapy. 

I constantly deal with enough stress to pi$$ off Job.

At Fifteen, she should be carefree. Kids are under too much pressure these days,  especially at School.

Focus on what she can do,  not what she can't.

This may be worth mentioning, since your main concern is Keeping Her Safe - perhaps this has not been brought to your attention.

At this rate, the stress you’re subjecting her to will kill her faster than anything else. 

stress weakens the immune system making one incredibly vulnerable.  It does this by changing the bodies hormones - which regulate heart rate, thyroid, circadian rhythm and everything else in the bio-system. 

It could be wise to read through this site and learn how other autistic individuals have been forced to endure similar stressful and chaotic  environments and the consequence of it. 

Many of us are not disabled but stuck in a terrorising and corrupt society which we are incompatible with but manage to extract ourselves from things which add stress. You continually mention she is resourceful and aware of dangers but not when at her wits end. This is Absolutely Normal for any Overly Stressed Human or Animal. If she runs into traffic after a fight, she is not seeking attention OR even trying to get herself killed. 

the human brain when over stressed releases all kinds of fight or flight chemicals which can cause “brain fog”. Your daughter is living in a perpetual state of SURVIVAL- it would be prudent to research how this affects the brain and how it’s killing her. Not one autistic individual on this site could live in the state she’s in and not respond the exact same way. 

soaking wet in the rain escaping to a Public House would be soothing and calming. That says a great deal about her home life.

please- for your own sake and hers, and everyone here who wishes she had a better place to live, Get Help. She will need an Autistic therapist who can help her work through all this incredible stress, and it’s possibly time you underwent therapy as well.  

I understand it can be extremely difficult with just one Autistic child but having to look after 3 children altogether by yourself must be exhausting and very stressful for yourself too. Do you get much help and are you able to get some quiet times by yourself occasionally ? You definitely have your hands full and I sympathise it's not always easy to analyse or work out calmly what is triggering your daughter as just meeting the 3 kids basic needs will be so full-on. 

ParentingAutism said:

Yes, sometimes she does. When she's overwhelmed, she will go upstairs to her bedroom and chill out.

So it sounds like she gets overwhelmed regularly. At least enough for you to be able to recognise it so you must know what it is that causes it ?

ParentingAutism said:

The bedroom is the place they calm down.

So what is it they are having to calm down from ?

ParentingAutism said:

There isn't a pattern, and this is the same with school. That's why school didn't know how to help. She was unpredictable because they couldn't see a pattern so couldn't find the root to the problem. 

There is quite clearly a pattern even from what little you write. The pattern is her feeling overwhelmed from her environment. The root will be what is causing her to feel overwhelmed and you already know what these are. Some of my own and others here have already observed ;

1. She does not have a room of her own. A safe, quiet space to go. I don't know your situation so I don't have an answer for this but this will be a major trigger of stress for her, having nowhere to go or be alone. 

2. Needs not being met at school. Perhaps issues of trust or damage already being done there. If so cannot be allowed to fester.

3. Confrontations at home with other family members and not having anywhere to get away from them. It is very important to look at the way everyone communicates with each other here. I know we all annoy and trigger each other but it is almost always our immediate reactions that cause the situation to escalate.  

4. Not feeling safe and secure in the two major environments of school and home where the vast majority of her time is spent. These two factors alone will be enough to overwhelm most people. If there is stress in both environments she will feel trapped and imprisoned thus the need to escape.

I understand it is very easy for me and others to write these things from afar and it is not as easy to work out or implement solutions for making the whole environment improve for everyone involved and there is no blame being attached to anyone here. We are trying to help each other and offer solutions. Sometimes we all overlook even the most simple things but making simple changes can make big differences. 

It's so distressing to read about all this. You have my sympathy. It must take an awful lot of courage and patience on your part to have to deal with this kind of behaviour from someone in your life.  I would never have dreamed of holding a knife up to my mother (or anyone else for that matter). No wonder you broke down in tears; it's a terrible experience to have been subjected to. With the police involved and the social services, surely they can see how this is affecting you and the rest of the family? Carers are so often overlooked, or made to feel bad for being overwhelmed by the bad behaviour of those they care for. Please remember that your mental health and wellbeing and that of your other children is just as important as that of your daughter. I hope you can get some respite as a family. 

Life is a game.

Some can do the speed-runs, but most struggle beyond level 4.

some people are just luckier than others I guess even if they are undiagnosed 

My brother was the same whenever he was little. But he managed to survive, undiagnosed, and copes with life better than me.

My guess would be she needs her own space, somewhere she can go to be completely alone and chill when being around people and/or noise are overwhelming her. Is that why you’re building the extension so the children can have their own rooms? Is there a quieter part of the house she can go to when builders are there  or does she have headphones or ear defenders she can use if she wants some peace? Is her school able to set up any quiet areas for children to go to if overwhelmed?

I also agree with the other comments about thinking how family members and teachers are interacting with her and whether there are any triggers being overlooked. Hopefully the social workers can find a way to get her to open up so she can say how best to help her feel safe at home and school and less likely to want to escape from the situations 

Turtle said:

What does a typical day or week look like for her ?

Usually, she is upstairs in her bedroom listening to music on the tv and doing stuff on her phone. She shares with her sister and they argue about the tv and how she is always in there. We tried having a schedule and taking it in turns but this didn't work. Unfortunately her sister is a very messy person and doesn't tidy so this really annoys her so she tidied up the room herself, but she likes it. 

We go for dog walks. She will only come if there is only one other sibling so we take her brother, who needs to come. I do a food shopping trip with 1 child, whoever wants to come. We also might go out for a few hours and do an activity or see family. 

Turtle said:

Does she have the time and space to be herself ?

Yes, sometimes she does. When she's overwhelmed, she will go upstairs to her bedroom and chill out. But if her sister is in there, it's harder because she won't move. The bedroom is the place they calm down. It's their safe place. 

Turtle said:

What is your relationship with her like and with her Father

There are no issues with me and my ex, their dad. We are always communicating about what's going on, especially recently. And regards to my daughter and I, our relationship if good but like everyone, we have our bad days.

Turtle said:

Is there a pattern ?

There isn't a pattern, and this is the same with school. That's why school didn't know how to help. She was unpredictable because they couldn't see a pattern so couldn't find the root to the problem.