Wandering. Update:

I would doubt her need for escape from both school and at home is simply attention seeking or boredom. It sounds more to do with being overwhelmed with particular situations that cause her stress. Perhaps you have overlooked or missed what triggers her need for escape ? Is there a pattern ? What is happening inside her to make her feel this overwhelming need for escape ? Is it triggered by confrontation with yourself or school staff ? You mentioned you were arguing with her just before she ran away. So is it safe to say she ran away because of confrontation with you ? Is confrontation the trigger ?

You also mention she is not allowed out by herself and that as a family you are always cooped up in the house together. With the difficulties at school and the restrictions of home life, the confrontations or arguments with yourself or her Father, the Police, Social workers, she could be feeling controlled or imprisoned or that life seems to be turning into one big struggle against her. I'm trying to understand how it feels for her.

What does a typical day or week look like for her ? Does she have the time and space to be herself ? Do you often see her enjoying herself or having fun ? What is your relationship with her like and with her Father ? Is communication good or is there constant confrontation ? Are her needs being met at school or is this another area of stress in her life ? Do you and her Father argue a lot ?

You also mention she has taken tablets and previously overdosed. This is self-medicating and also a form of escape. It's not attention seeking, it is cry for help. It is desperation. 

She doesn't need the Police or interventions, she needs to feel safe and secure and happy in herself and her environment and know that she is loved. 

As someone who experienced childhood trauma, I know all about the need for escape. That overwhelming feeling led to a lot of self-medicating, escapism and destructive behaviour for decades . Your daughter is showing the early signs of this. It's not attention seeking. It's caused by her need to escape her environment. 

Turtle said:

What does a typical day or week look like for her ?

Usually, she is upstairs in her bedroom listening to music on the tv and doing stuff on her phone. She shares with her sister and they argue about the tv and how she is always in there. We tried having a schedule and taking it in turns but this didn't work. Unfortunately her sister is a very messy person and doesn't tidy so this really annoys her so she tidied up the room herself, but she likes it. 

We go for dog walks. She will only come if there is only one other sibling so we take her brother, who needs to come. I do a food shopping trip with 1 child, whoever wants to come. We also might go out for a few hours and do an activity or see family. 

Turtle said:

Does she have the time and space to be herself ?

Yes, sometimes she does. When she's overwhelmed, she will go upstairs to her bedroom and chill out. But if her sister is in there, it's harder because she won't move. The bedroom is the place they calm down. It's their safe place. 

Turtle said:

What is your relationship with her like and with her Father

There are no issues with me and my ex, their dad. We are always communicating about what's going on, especially recently. And regards to my daughter and I, our relationship if good but like everyone, we have our bad days.

Turtle said:

Is there a pattern ?

There isn't a pattern, and this is the same with school. That's why school didn't know how to help. She was unpredictable because they couldn't see a pattern so couldn't find the root to the problem. 

I understand it can be extremely difficult with just one Autistic child but having to look after 3 children altogether by yourself must be exhausting and very stressful for yourself too. Do you get much help and are you able to get some quiet times by yourself occasionally ? You definitely have your hands full and I sympathise it's not always easy to analyse or work out calmly what is triggering your daughter as just meeting the 3 kids basic needs will be so full-on. 

ParentingAutism said:

Yes, sometimes she does. When she's overwhelmed, she will go upstairs to her bedroom and chill out.

So it sounds like she gets overwhelmed regularly. At least enough for you to be able to recognise it so you must know what it is that causes it ?

ParentingAutism said:

The bedroom is the place they calm down.

So what is it they are having to calm down from ?

ParentingAutism said:

There isn't a pattern, and this is the same with school. That's why school didn't know how to help. She was unpredictable because they couldn't see a pattern so couldn't find the root to the problem. 

There is quite clearly a pattern even from what little you write. The pattern is her feeling overwhelmed from her environment. The root will be what is causing her to feel overwhelmed and you already know what these are. Some of my own and others here have already observed ;

1. She does not have a room of her own. A safe, quiet space to go. I don't know your situation so I don't have an answer for this but this will be a major trigger of stress for her, having nowhere to go or be alone. 

2. Needs not being met at school. Perhaps issues of trust or damage already being done there. If so cannot be allowed to fester.

3. Confrontations at home with other family members and not having anywhere to get away from them. It is very important to look at the way everyone communicates with each other here. I know we all annoy and trigger each other but it is almost always our immediate reactions that cause the situation to escalate.  

4. Not feeling safe and secure in the two major environments of school and home where the vast majority of her time is spent. These two factors alone will be enough to overwhelm most people. If there is stress in both environments she will feel trapped and imprisoned thus the need to escape.

I understand it is very easy for me and others to write these things from afar and it is not as easy to work out or implement solutions for making the whole environment improve for everyone involved and there is no blame being attached to anyone here. We are trying to help each other and offer solutions. Sometimes we all overlook even the most simple things but making simple changes can make big differences. 

ParentingAutism said:

Unfortunately both of my daughter's don't like going to their dad's and we are trying to get to the bottom of this. She is always distressed when she comes back. I believe it's because she's masking it at her dad's

I don't know your situation but I don't think kids should be or have to mask with their parents. Is there good communication between you and their Father and is their Father fully aware and educated regarding your daughters diagnoses ? I assume there has been a formal diagnoses ? It is very common for estranged Fathers, not having gone through the process themselves with their children directly, to dismiss or be ignorant of a professional diagnoses that has already been given. Having things sprung upon them can lead to suspicion and denial etc etc.  Autism is something no-one can be expected to grasp in a few weeks or months so it may be useful to send links explaining the intricacies and challenges involved to your husband and to send him to any local Autism awareness classes locally that are often available through National or local charities and help & community groups. I know one previously sceptical, estranged  Father who went on one of these day courses and came back a little bit more enlightened and even a little evangelical about his new found knowledge.  

ParentingAutism said:

She told me that he said that she's not autistic and that she should be in a mainstream school.

This is denial or ignorance, hence my advice above. This needs to be cleared up between you and your ex ASAP. Like most relationships, this is a communication problem and the conduct of such. 

ParentingAutism said:

I do see friends every now and again and we get their nan to come and look after them. Their dad isn't my husband. My husband is their step dad. Thanks for this. 

That's great, you have plenty of scope for days off and breaks which many don't have. Perhaps you should seek counselling if you are finding it hard to perceive what is going on or needs to be done ? Sometimes we all get stuck in a rut. 

Unfortunately both of my daughter's don't like going to their dad's and we are trying to get to the bottom of this. She is always distressed when she comes back. I believe it's because she's masking it at her dad's. She told me that he said that she's not autistic and that she should be in a mainstream school. They don't like it when she has chewies and say she only used them because she had nothing else to do. They are also very social and we're not. They do see him whenever he is off, which is around 2/3 times a month. He's a paramedic so he tries to have them on the few days he's off.

I do see friends every now and again and we get their nan to come and look after them. Their dad isn't my husband. My husband is their step dad. Thanks for this. 

Wow, what an informative read. Thanks for sharing the link.

This is a free download: https://www.thearticulateautistic.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/Unintentional-Gaslighting-Jaime-A.-Heidel-The-Articulate-Autistic.pdf 

ParentingAutism said:

She has trust issues and doesn't have much confidence in herself which effects her.

I know you're overloaded but when you say things like this, it sounds as though you have been given very little understanding of the  Autistic Brain. If you're feeling misunderstood and misjudged on here, then please understand - most likely this is her experience from you every day. 

I cannot stress how monumental the difference is between ASC individuals and Neurotypicals. We not only use language differently, we experience life completely differently. Some are far more intelligent and can perceive things which take NTs a university diploma to understand. This is part of the reason I suggest she needs an Autistic Therapist and you could use one as well - if not just for the education which could possibly make everything entirely different - overnight. 

I'm going to second Turtle about her father taking more responsibility. Is he autistic? You need a day off every week and time to begin to learn how she perceives and experiences life. 

This woman is amazing at articulating the Autistic experience: https://www.instagram.com/thearticulateautistic/

She could be the catalyst you need to smooth everything over with your daughter - if not just to have a real interaction with someone who can give Practical Solutions and understand. Perhaps you can book a one-on-one session to see if her life advice can find a solution to make your life easier https://linktr.ee/thearticulateautistic

Yes that's understandable and my heart goes out to you but from what you say it sounds like their Father is not sharing the responsibilities ? Is it possible he could take them for at least one overnight stay per week or 2 full days per week to give you some time to yourself ? I say this as we all need a break from each other and a change of scenery would do the kids good at the same time. 

You say your husband ( I don't know if this is their Father ) finishes work at 4pm and has weekends off so there is plenty of scope there for you to get a night out or a day away with friends or family ? Even a movie night by yourself or a yoga class to recharge the batteries ? We can't all just plod through life like stressed robots and expect things to get better somewhere down the road. A life that is simply functional or barely functional is no life at all. We need to be able to enjoy life and each others company but we need great focus, observation, understanding and awareness to actually make the changes necessary. Yes there are days when you will just want a quiet life and everything to run smoothly but you will also need awareness of the situation overall and how to improve your standard of living little by little, one step at a time. In order to take care of others, you must acknowledge and find ways to take care of yourself along the way. 

If everyone is stressed, children will pick up on this. 

Yes that's understandable and my heart goes out to you but from what you say it sounds like their Father is not sharing the responsibilities ? Is it possible he could take them for at least one overnight stay per week or 2 full days per week to give you some time to yourself ? I say this as we all need a break from each other and a change of scenery would do the kids good at the same time. 

You say your husband ( I don't know if this is their Father ) finishes work at 4pm and has weekends off so there is plenty of scope there for you to get a night out or a day away with friends or family ? Even a movie night by yourself or a yoga class to recharge the batteries ? We can't all just plod through life like stressed robots and expect things to get better somewhere down the road. A life that is simply functional or barely functional is no life at all. We need to be able to enjoy life and each others company but we need great focus, observation, understanding and awareness to actually make the changes necessary. Yes there are days when you will just want a quiet life and everything to run smoothly but you will also need awareness of the situation overall and how to improve your standard of living little by little, one step at a time. In order to take care of others, you must acknowledge and find ways to take care of yourself along the way. 

If everyone is stressed, children will pick up on this. 

ParentingAutism said:

Unfortunately both of my daughter's don't like going to their dad's and we are trying to get to the bottom of this. She is always distressed when she comes back. I believe it's because she's masking it at her dad's

I don't know your situation but I don't think kids should be or have to mask with their parents. Is there good communication between you and their Father and is their Father fully aware and educated regarding your daughters diagnoses ? I assume there has been a formal diagnoses ? It is very common for estranged Fathers, not having gone through the process themselves with their children directly, to dismiss or be ignorant of a professional diagnoses that has already been given. Having things sprung upon them can lead to suspicion and denial etc etc.  Autism is something no-one can be expected to grasp in a few weeks or months so it may be useful to send links explaining the intricacies and challenges involved to your husband and to send him to any local Autism awareness classes locally that are often available through National or local charities and help & community groups. I know one previously sceptical, estranged  Father who went on one of these day courses and came back a little bit more enlightened and even a little evangelical about his new found knowledge.  

ParentingAutism said:

She told me that he said that she's not autistic and that she should be in a mainstream school.

This is denial or ignorance, hence my advice above. This needs to be cleared up between you and your ex ASAP. Like most relationships, this is a communication problem and the conduct of such. 

ParentingAutism said:

I do see friends every now and again and we get their nan to come and look after them. Their dad isn't my husband. My husband is their step dad. Thanks for this. 

That's great, you have plenty of scope for days off and breaks which many don't have. Perhaps you should seek counselling if you are finding it hard to perceive what is going on or needs to be done ? Sometimes we all get stuck in a rut. 

Unfortunately both of my daughter's don't like going to their dad's and we are trying to get to the bottom of this. She is always distressed when she comes back. I believe it's because she's masking it at her dad's. She told me that he said that she's not autistic and that she should be in a mainstream school. They don't like it when she has chewies and say she only used them because she had nothing else to do. They are also very social and we're not. They do see him whenever he is off, which is around 2/3 times a month. He's a paramedic so he tries to have them on the few days he's off.

I do see friends every now and again and we get their nan to come and look after them. Their dad isn't my husband. My husband is their step dad. Thanks for this.