Published on 12, July, 2020
How do you calm down a violent teen?
My 14 y.o can become extremely aggressive and violent and nothing can calm her down...
I need help since I have no clue how to keep her and my other kids safe...
This morning she became distressed when her sister (13 years) sprayed something in the bedroom. My teen (with autism) then told her not to and started closing the curtains in their bedroom (which they share). My other teen then opened the curtains and the window then hell kicked off...
My teen (with autism) shut them again, then my other daughter told her not to.
Anyways.... they started fighting and I tried splitting them up since they were screaming, kicking, punching, and when I thought is was over, it started again... But my autistic daughter grabbed a pair of scissors and wanted to stab her sister with it...
All hell broke loose and I managed to take the scissors away from her. But how do I stop them from fighting next time? How do I keep my son and daughters safe? How do I calm her down?
Any help is very much appreciated. I'm lost and at my wits end...
I'm going to be the unpopular opinion in the room and say that violence should be punished, not rewarded. You won't be doing her/them any favours by letting them think that that behaviour will fly in the real world.
That said, my older sisters were similar to what you described, worse even. Practically every day would start with an incident like the one above. I don't really have any advice for you, as this continued until my older sisters eventually left home - there was seemingly nothing my parents could do, punishment, appeasement, nothing worked. It destroyed their marriage in the end. OFC we couldn't afford to move somewhere they could each have their own space, so if that's an option go for it I guess.
I agree that she needs to punished but when it's sensory related, she just can't cope which a punishment because she will feel she can't live like this and we just had her move back in with us after months with her father...
Wait - does Q mean the autistic daughter or the one being passive aggressive and inconsiderate, doing whatever she likes regardless of how it affects others? Does she sort of enjoy pushing the autistic one over the edge? If she's doing it as a form of domination and a secret enjoyment watching her sister suffer, I would suggest there's a larger problem here. That dominating behaviour will probably be rewarded in society, but maybe she could learn the importance of family & cultivating loyalty. The autistic one will need to learn how to draw boundaries and live with heartbreak without becoming bitter.
Me? Well, I was referring to both daughters. Which child was responsible was not really made clear in the OP, the 13yo may have just innocently sprayed herself with antiperspirant. Or whatever it is that kids these days spray themselves with. OFC her intention may well have been to provoke her sister, we simply don't know. Either way, autistic daughter needs to learn that violence is never acceptable, in all likelihood she's going to encounter people in life who will try to wind her up, she'll have to come up with smarter ways of dealing with that. Attacking people is not really an option I'm sure you'll agree.
I'm inclined to assume NT daughter's actions were probably innocent as she's subsequently tried to open the window, air out the offending smell, but then her sister was already angry by this point, had no desire to calm down and so closed them again so she'd have justification to remain offended. I imagine anyway. Thank god I don't have kids, who'd be arsed with trying to deal with this petty crap day in day out.