HOW DO YOU CALM A VIOLENT TEEN???

Me?  Well, I was referring to both daughters.  Which child was responsible was not really made clear in the OP, the 13yo may have just innocently sprayed herself with antiperspirant.  Or whatever it is that kids these days spray themselves with.  OFC her intention may well have been to provoke her sister, we simply don't know.  Either way, autistic daughter needs to learn that violence is never acceptable, in all likelihood she's going to encounter people in life who will try to wind her up, she'll have to come up with smarter ways of dealing with that.  Attacking people is not really an option I'm sure you'll agree.

I'm inclined to assume NT daughter's actions were probably innocent as she's subsequently tried to open the window, air out the offending smell, but then her sister was already angry by this point, had no desire to calm down and so closed them again so she'd have justification to remain offended.  I imagine anyway.  Thank god I don't have kids, who'd be arsed with trying to deal with this petty crap day in day out.

Thanks, I've partly understood the way she reacts to things and I do try to help her. I understand everything you've said and we have a lot more in place now and many rules.

I felt I had to come back to this one, as there is another problem here that has kept me awake worrying all night.  You are your daughter's lifeline in a world that she must live in, which was created not for her but for people like you who are not autistic, and they feel no empathy for her.

Does that feel like I put it too strongly?  I don't think that I did.  Let me explain how it feels to me when someone starts doing something similar to what you describe.

Someone in the office where I work decided to start spraying room freshener around.  This, for me, is not simply an unpleasant experience.  I don't think that we really take the time to describe the utter torture that these events actually amount to.

First, there is the hugely overpowering, overwhelming smell that literally burns my nostrils and the upper part of my sinuses, causing pain across the front of my skull.  Then there is the sensation through my brain of a sort of pins and needles.  This worsens, rapidly.  And that is without others adding to it by trying to talk to me at the same time, or expecting me to pay attention to the computer, the phone, or the myriad of other things that demand my attention all the time.

The only similar sensation I have experienced was from a TENS machine on full power, which you wouldn't put on your head.  Imagine that, attached to a cap filled with needles that is being tightened around your head.

Your autistic teen is being tortured, and no one around her knows or realises.  I am not overstating this.  I am not exaggerating.  Pretty much every time I have tried to explain or ask for tolerance or understanding from those who are not autistic, I have been met by disbelief and assumptions that I am making it up or overstating it.

Your teen will find the same in life, and you need to be there for her when people who are causing this horrendous experience tell her "oh can't you just put up with it?" "It's not that bad, why do you always overreact?"  and other similar things, all the while she is suffering.

It's the same at christmas, with the noisy music, the bright and flashy lights, the smells, chatter, it all clashes together and produces the same sort of torture that I've tried to describe above.  At Christmas I am called a killjoy, and verbally abused if I object.  The only thing I can do is stay house bound and avoid it as much as possible, for about 3 months.

Are you finding lockdown hard?  I do this every Winter.  I am forced to by a society that has no empathy, no sympathy for what it inflicts on others in the name of fun.

I am extremely lucky that my autism does not mean that I am unable to express myself linguistically.  In fact I am lucky enough to be able to do so better than most non-autistic people I know, and even I cannot do it justice.  Can you see why some people on this thread have replied the way that they have?  You may not feel it is an appropriate reaction, but they are just as desperate to express themselves as your autistic teen.

One day she will have to cope without you, but for now you should be there for her.  You are the only one who can help her siblings to understand what they are putting her through.  She cannot do it, and they would not believe her if she tried.  The people involved change, but the theme is always the same.  It does not affect them, so they will never, ever understand what she goes through.

Do you understand now why she reacts as she does?  She has no safe space to retreat to, and her siblings are mounting an all-out assault on her every day.

Wait - does Q mean the autistic daughter or the one being passive aggressive and inconsiderate, doing whatever she likes regardless of how it affects others? Does she sort of enjoy pushing the autistic one over the edge? If she's doing it as a form of domination and a secret enjoyment watching her sister suffer, I would suggest there's a larger problem here. That dominating behaviour will probably be rewarded in society, but maybe she could learn the importance of family & cultivating loyalty. The autistic one will need to learn how to draw boundaries and live with heartbreak without becoming bitter. 

As others have said, this sounds like a sensory issue.  If you don't experience it yourself, it is really impossible to understand just how awful it can be, and I doubt that the daughter who shares a room with your autistic teen understands.  It sounds as though both of them view the other's opinions as unreasonable.

I cannot stress enough how awful it is when you are met with an all out sensory assault.  You can see from the extreme reactions from a few people responding just some indication of how unpleasant it can be for those on the autistic spectrum.  This is something that your autistic teen's siblings need to understand and be more thoughtful of, though given their likely ages I think it is probably not always going to work out the way you and I might hope.

The kind of outburst that you describe is a sign of desperation because of a situation that for her is extremely unpleasant, and which she has found herself unable to escape.  You can avoid it happening if you can avoid the conflict that causes it and give her a safe place to retreat to.  This will require greater understanding from her siblings to be really successful.

To give her the best chance of coping, I suggest defining a safe space that is just for your autistic teen.  I had something like this that I created in my parents' home when I was a teen.  It was just an area that has curtains around it, attached to furniture, so I could close out the light.  Everyone knew to stay quiet around it, although admittedly younger siblings were not always understanding.  Perhaps curtains around her bed?  Along with rules like "do not spray things in the bedroom" and having defined places where making is noises is acceptable (e.g. living room and kitchen), that do not include the bedroom, I think this could really help.

I think better education of your autistic teen's siblings would really help, along with creating a safe space.  Ideally she would have her own room, and that would be the safe place, but that cannot always happen and so thick curtains that block the light and give her less visual stimuli would really help her to cope.

Unfortunately, where experiences differ so much, it is extremely hard for either to empathise with the other.  Teenagers also, with their raging hormones and mood swings, tend to like to antagonise one another, and your autistic teen will always be worse off in these situations.  I hope you can persuade them to be more tolerant of their sister.

bbbb

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THIS SITE GETS HACKED - THEN ALL THE DETAILS OF ALL MENEBERS WILL BE IN CRIMINAL HANDS. I GUERNTEE IT HAS LILELY HAPPENED ALREADY MULTIPLE TIME BUT YOU WOULDNT EVEN KNOW. 

IT IS PITIFUL REALLY - NO DIFFERENT TO 'AUTISM SPEAKS' 

Cant't you see either? No surprise really. ITS NOT ABOUT DISAGREEMENTS YOU MORON. 

I CANT DISAGREE WITH AN OBJECT WHICH IS HOW I SEE YOU LOT! FFS

IT IS ABOUT YOU LOT SAYING AN AUTITSIC IS ANGRY OR ACTING BADLY - WHEN THE REALITY IS - SAID AUTISTIC IS HAVING SENSORY PROBLEMS. 

NOT 

ANGER 

MANAGEMENT 

YOU IDIOT 

POLITE  -  *** OFF 

YOU CANT DLETE MY PROFILE 

YOU HAVE TRIED MULTIPLE TIMES OVER THE YEARS AND AS A RESULT I HAVE ABOUT 6 OR SO ID's ON THIS FORUM. BUT YOU DONT KNOW ABOUT THEM AS YOU BELEIEVE YOU HAVE DELETED THEM EACH TIME BUT YOU SIMPLY SEEM TO BE INCAPABLE OF WORKING THIS PLATFORM 

YOU'RE TOTALLY OUT OF YOUR DEPTH WITH THE ENTIRE WEBSITE. 

IT RUNS YOU - NOT YOU RUNNING IT. 

WAKE UP

Hello, 

Dani Mod

I agree Mael, in the past we nearly got our daughter taken away from us and nearly lost her... 

I am trying to understand both my daughter's point of views and put things into place that will help... 

Maybe you do not have a sensitivity to petro chemicals - so then you wouldnt be able to relate. 

From my perspective it is 100 percent down to the use of poison sprays in y breathing space. 

That is why nobody I know who cares about me evr uses them in my presence. They will cause  meltdown, leading to a shutdown or disassociate for weeks afterwards. 

There is a difference between punishment and disapproval ,would you punish a child for wetting themselves, punishment in this case would be wrong ,if she can't cope she can't cope . If you go down that route you are punishing her for being her and you will do damage and lose her . Explain the problems to both daughters and get things out in the open , and give them the space they need .  

It will damage there relationship and that could be for the rest of there life's 

It's not the 'poison' that's the problem - it's incompatible behaviours of two people forced to share the same space.      Both are maturing apex predators so would rather avoid aggression but if the 'threat level' / trigger is enough, they'll fight.    

Someone squirting their dominant scent right in your face is one predictable trigger - as is invasion of personal space or back-biting / annoying actions - all will cause a fight.      It's got nothing to do with autism - this is natural selection doing its thing..   The autistic person may have heightened senses, but the decision to fight is all nature.

That's why the only way to stop it is to separate them into their own 'enclosures' so their natural need to carve out a personal territory is satisfied.     Build or buy more space.

I'm a twin - had to share right up until 18 - if this was two boys, there'd be blood on the walls,     I've had my nose broken twice.   

How about this - A good dose of LSD will not harm you, You Plastic... You can consume it and it will be nasty possibly terrifying but it won't cause any long term harm, physically. It is just a chemical so if I dont consider you and accidentally drop some in your coffee - so what, dont worry about. It is uncomfortable and scary but so what - it won't 'Hurt' you. No?

The whole forum and its users are all 'broken' according to their posts - pathologised and trying to be NT. Masking even more now they have diagnosed. 

THE WHOLE MODEL NEEDS REVAMPING - And the experts, one of which I know in person and is the top guy at UCL. Paul Burgess - he designs ASD tests and how the diagnosis works and is carried out. Even he shows NT bias beyond belief. Not just in his field but in his other field which is how I know him... 

PHD = Pretty Hefty Dumb! 

lol

Yes full of chemicals - which is why some of them are not welcomed inside my lungs when it can be avoided but isnt avoided out of inconsideration. 

Water is a chemical. Chemicals are not the issue but petro chemicals spraying directly where you sleep are. 

What Ross has posted is an example of double empathy which is the cause of most autistic stress. 

He has done what the Police do to autistics. 

Person gets poison gas sprayed in bedroom that  low senses cannot detect - So it is the autistics fault. The Autist is only distressed because of pthalates but yet - the anger management issue or behaviour issues gets posted. 

Why not handcuff the girls and lock her up overnight and then caution her or give her a criminal record too. 

Hi - I don't want to derail the thread but, while what you've put here is technically true, it's a bit heavy handed.    The world is full of chemicals - I know people who inhaled H2O and died!      All fragrances / smells are chemicals - it's all just combinations of those same chemicals that create totally natural smells too.     The propellants used are totally natural chemicals too.       

In very large quantities, lots of things are toxic.    Smelling Ammonia won't hurt you at all - it's all natural - it's horrible - but in large quantities it's nasty stuff.

Ross - your stupidity staggers me. Just delete me from your forum. Your post above is the whole reason ASDs suffer in the patheticaly stupid and backward world created by low IQ things.

1. Fragrances are linked to a staggering number of health risks. Across multiple research studies, chemicals used to make fragrances are classified as allergens, hormone disruptors, asthma triggers, neurotoxins & carcinogens. The punchline: fragrances are highly toxic.
2. Fragrances commonly contain phthalates, which are chemicals that help the scents last longer. Health risks for phthalates are startling and include cancer, human reproductive and developmental toxicity, endocrine disruption, birth defects & respiratory problems. These toxic villains are very hard to avoid because manufacturers are not required to list them on ingredient labels.
3. Fragrance chemicals, like other toxic chemicals, can pass from the skin and into the blood.
4. Manufacturers are not required to list their fragrance ingredients on product labels.  Often only one word, “fragrance”, is used on the label and can hide a cocktail of more than 100 toxic ingredients. This is because fragrances are considered to be “trade secrets”.
5. The fragrance industry regulates itself, so that safety testing does not have to be confirmed by regulators before products are sold to consumers.
6. So called “natural fragrances” can be just as toxic as synthetic fragrances.
7. Whether it’s in a cleaning product, deodorant, shampoo, or laundry detergent, fragrance chemicals aren’t actually making your product perform better – they are just giving you that perception. We’ve been trained to think that clean has a smell, when in truth that’s not the case.

www.forceofnatureclean.com/.../