Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I am hoping to establish contact with people who have an adult son or daughter, diagnosed/undiagnosed with Asperger's, and learn on how they have communicated with them.
My son N was a very difficult child; always challenged my authority, was never happy with anything I did, wanted his way all the time, did not have any friends. He talked endlessly on the topics he was interested in and wanted one-to-one attention at all times. In adulthood, and before he met his partner, he lacked empathy to others' pain but expected full sympathy when he was in a situation.
N has opted not to have any contact with me. The last time he lived in my house was when he moved in with his partner as they had left their flat. They stayed in my house for three months, rent free. They moved to a flat and when I asked him if he was going to take all his belongings as I did not want my home to be used as storage, he reacted badly saying that 'I wanted to chuck him out'. He stopped talking to me for nearly three years with emails saying that I was an abysmal, etc. mother. There was nothing I replied to him to stop his abuse. He contacted me at some point to ask about his GCSE and A level certificates and that he wanted them. . When I said that I could meet him or post them to him, he stopped communication.
Last year, March 2018, he had been in the area unbeknown to me. He had a flat tyre and the towing truck would only take the car to a preferred spot within a 10 mile radius. I happen to be within this distance so he turned up out of the blue and asked to spend the night so that in the morning, he would get a new tyre. I thought that by showing support he would finally 'wake up' from his way of treating me. He again stopped contact completely until this past September when he left an answering machine message saying he needed his certificates. Second time. He rang me and we had a small chat but N asked again if his brother was paying any rent as he is living at home to which I said no. N said I should ask for rent but I reminded him that he and his partner had not paid rent when they lived there or that N had not paid rent when he had finished university and whilst studying a postgraduate. He accused me of giving preference and stopped communication again. He has always been very jealous of his brother.
I had asked N when he would pick up his things as it now some eight years he left home. He always has an excuse. I keep thinking that he will grow up. The last time he rang me he said that he is going to go and live in Scotland.
I feel deeply hurt at the rejection; there is no consideration for me. I always help when I have been asked to do so. I answer his phone calls hoping that he will realise that I support him but now I feel just used. I would like that he responded in a normal way. I am in despair and seek the advice of a parent who has had a similar situation.
I thought of taking his belonging to a self storage place and did go and see one but I felt as if I was buying a box to bury him. I have been in turmoil since then. I do not know how to approach him, how to talk to him, what to say.
Thank you for reading my story and hope to hear from a parent who can communicate with me.
Elisa.
Hi Elisa - I can see parallels here to my own situation with my son who is almost 40. My relationship with him in his adulthood has always been strained and was blown right out of the water when I had cancer ten years ago. He couldn't cope with it and flipped - it resulted in us not speaking for 6 years. The more I've learned about Aspergers, the more I feel he needs to be assessed. His behaviour is often hurtful and I end up never knowing where to turn to help me through all of this. My son now has a child and is being difficult about me seeing her.
The thing that I find most difficult is getting support for myself. By support I mean somewhere that I can ask questions about his behaviour, somewhere that I can talk to other people in the same situation, advice on how to be with him, advice on how to broach the subject of him getting an assessment. It is all a bit of a mine field, and as a mother you always want to do the best for your child. Sometimes I have to tell myself that he is on his own journey and I gave him the best upbringing that I could - his reality is that I was a bad mother and still am. His lack of understanding, empathy, willingness to see someone else's viewpoint, wears me out. My son wants to see me, but always on his terms. If I put boundaries in place, he goads and pushes me to get his own way, to the point of bullying me. I honestly don't know how his wife puts up with him. As for his daughter, she is 5 now and must be so confused by his behaviour and mood swings. I worry about her. He has no filters and swears in front of her, is argumentative with her - I feel her life is quite chaotic with him. It is all a worry isn't it.
I read your post and thought, 'I'm not alone'! I read your post and felt sad for all us parents who are trying our best to understand and help our children. It often feels like a losing battle.
I think counselling may be the way to go. How does he know his father didnt support him growing up? I'd personally not tell my child. There's alot going on here in the past and present. Sounds like anger on both sides
if you dont wish to rebuild a relationship then and hes not been over in 8 years, pop his belongings into boxes and put them in the loft or similar. No need to tell him what you have done as theres simply no requirement to and his stuff is safe
I agree with plastic. My own mum doesnt care for me as I was awkward child, I would spin, have crying fits, fussy with food , had tics etc. We had endless battles of me being hit for my behaviours and me being frustrated as I honestly didnt know why i was being punnished.
I commend you on trying to strike up a relationship with your son (I kept trying with my own mum many times then gave up). I do think you need to treat the situation very carefully as you both have a side to the story. He may have been frustrated and confused like I was for many years, especially when you dont know about ASD. I just got frustrated that I was told off all the time, I couldnt see that my stimming was anything but normal where as my mum saw it as naughty. He most likely has a fantastic memory too so will remember the confusing times growing up.
Im kind of getting lost here but bare with me....I would perhaps write to him explaining simply with no blame that you miss him and want to start a fresh no blame.
Good luck
Hello,
Firstly, while I think considering autism as an explanation for his past and present behaviour might be extremely helpful, it is no doubt so tangled up with his overall psychological health, so perhaps approaching this situation as if he were an ordinary/neurotypical person (albeit a particularly sensitive one) may be a good starting point? Have you read the book Nonviolent Communication? I know people who have used the strategies in this book to repair relationships that have become non-communicative and passive aggressive.
Secondly, reading about your son's behaviour, I think I can identify where it comes from and see similarities with my own relationship with my parents. If he really is autistic and has never sought or received a diagnosis, by the age of 33 there is a real possibility of built-up emotional and psychological distress. It could mean that he now has in-built feelings of resentment, or a general distrust toward others, even when they are trying to help him. This is the way it was with me.
It may provide you with a great deal of relief to learn about autism and how it might relate to your son's relationship. Could you ask yourself - how would I approach this is N was autistic? How would I approach this if N was neurotypical? With the former approach, I would recommend reading about autism is adults (Luke Beardon's book is good). For the latter, I would recommend a nonviolent communication approach (i.e. figuring out what he needs and avoiding aggression, passive or otherwise).
I think it's clear you have tried your best with the knowledge and resources you had. Not to mention that you have come here to sincerely ask advice, which shows genuine caring.
Good luck,
Tintal
Hi thanks for your reply. N was angry when his younger brother was born. He always asked me why I had had another child. I suppose the anger has not left him. We got on very well on a one-to-one basis. Since he found a partner, he pushed me to one side. Some years ago he was planning to break up with her and he asked me if he could come to live with me. He knows I always supported him but I was dreading it. He might also be angry at his father because he knows what his father did and their father never supported them financially or emotionally. All his frustrations have been vented on me. I am not a martyr style person but it still hurts.
You say I have the power to change how I think and respond. Yes, I know. How else could I respond other than emailing him and asking how he is doing which he might ignore and therefore I would feel utterly rejected again. Or email him to say that I will be storing his things in a self storage place and that might incite him to reply. Whatever I do or whatever I say it is always wrong. This is very emotionally exhausting and that is the reason why I have not approached him.
I have apologised in the past for whatever mistakes I made as a parent. I was on my own so I am bound to have taken wrong decisions but had always my sons in the forefront of my mind whatever decisions I took. This alongside the hurt from their father's deceit, etc. Not easy and on top, N's oppositional behaviour at all times. I also apologised for having had a partner who shouted at N but who placed boundaries for his behaviour. N hated me for having a man in my life. I needed help to control N. Thank you for your kind feedback.
Yes - it sounds like a very angry situation - so any communication will be impossible with such a high levels of emotion on both sides.
I doubt there will be much changing in the foreseeable future as it's out of sight, out of mind - and if it pops into his head, it's blurred by all the anger.
I can only suggest a simple letter explaining that you understand his position and appreciate he doesn't want much/any contact - but as a parent, you can't help but worry about him and would it be ok for a 6-monthly quick update from him to put your mind at rest - no hassle, no massive details - just so you know he's ok.
If at any time in the future he wants to talk to you or even visit, that would be most welcome - but you understand and respect his privacy and you're so pleased that he's leading a happy life.
I think i can see the problem here. . .
Elisa, Ouch, you have written here quite a lot about how your son was a difficult child, how bad and awful he is essentially. he sounds like he is hurting and is angry at you, so this is a self inquiry question and one i only want you to ask yourself. why is he angry?
once you have thought about that (infact you can even ask him) Authentically Apologise and don't expect anything in return right away. perhaps then the doorways of communication can open and you can develop a more respectful relationship.
You cannot make a person think, see or behave the way you want them to but you do have the power to change how you think and respond.
also it's okay to put his stuff in storage
Hi Elisa,
It is really hard to be a parent and it seemed that your son is being difficult with you.
Autism however does not explain all his behaviour but it does play a part. It takes time to reach emotional maturity and sometimes people can stick on one issue and believe that they are right no matter what the circumstances are.
Whatever grudge or misgivings he has with you, remain kind and try to be communicative with him but do give him space if you can. If you can be in good relationship with his partner, then it would be a lot better. Give him space but don't lose contact. Maybe a one off good comment every 3-6 months in facebook or say hi over the phone would be nice.
Don't force the issue of finding out what grudge he has against you, he will tell when he is ready.
Practically, I see it as you are a mum with an immature child (33 with the maturity of a teenager) and it takes time for them to reach emotional maturity.
Move on with your life, keep improving yourself and when he comes back or his family come to see you...make them feel that they are losing a lot by not being in touch with you.
Besibeau
Many thanks for your reply. I had explained many times how his behaviour breaks my heart but N does not seem to understand what I mean. It is my belief that he behaves like this to control me, to tell me what to do, and if I do not do what he wants, he 'punishes me'.
I understand that eight years is a long time for him to collect his things. He had told me that he would throw a stone to the window if I dared move his things. He is impulsive and I do not want the emotional drain again of dealing with him. I kept them with the thought that one day he would miraculously change his behaviour. I will write him a letter and perhaps, to cover myself, I will speak to a solicitor if he should reply and threaten me.
I tried over the years to be strong and set a boundary but nothing works with N. When he went to university, I banned him coming home as my younger son was studying for his A levels and had been intimidated bullied him very much. He of course was very angry at me. Nothing seems to work; no forgiveness has any effect. That is the reason why I feel in limbo of what to do. I appreciate your suggestions. Many thanks again.
Many thanks for your suggestions on how to communicate with my son. I had rung his partner some three years ago when he was very upset as he was not being invited to job interviews. As he had not replied to my emails or What's, I rang his partner to ask if N was OK. She said he was and that was the end of the conversation as she was at work. My son sent me an email or text, cannot remember, saying that he would seek and injunction if I ever rang his partner again, and not to try to find out about him via her. I never tried this again, not because of fear of the injunction, but because the emotional drain for me is too much after years of the same threats.
My younger son does not want any communication with his brother; he does not trust him and dislikes the way he treated him throughout their childhood.
N had definitely re-written what he believes happened. He seems to accuse me of all sorts of things and I can only think that in his mind he justifies his conduct towards me. Should you have any other suggestions, I would welcome them. Many thanks again. Elisa
I agree - I wasn't thinking of her communicating with her son's partner behind his back - more of her being able to communicate with her son via the partner - someone who will probably be more likely to maintain contact and judge the situation with a more balanced view.
I agree that he's done very well to be a functioning person away from home with his own relationships - but I don't think there's really any excuse to treat his own immediate family like that - especially after so many years - unless there's been some historical massive bust-up where the relationship has totally broken down - but the fact he chose to camp there when the car broke seems to indicate he's just totally indifferent about his mother/brother. Their well-being doesn't seem to cross his mind. Which is a shame.
The black & white thinking, all or nothing position makes things very difficult to move forward - especially as this has become the new 'normal' for so long.
I do so feel for you. I am so sorry that you've had to tolerate decades of such unkind behaviour from your son.
I know it must all feel very personal but please try to remember two things:
As a teen and in my early twenties, I took out a great deal of my frustrations on my mother (I wasn't diagnosed until age 30); I was angry and blamed her for a lot of what I was going through (my thinking was, she was my mum so why didn't she understand me, help me and protect me?). It's taken me several years post-diagnosis to see that we were in a difficult situation and she always tried her best, even if, at times, that made things a lot worse for me. In my mind, she was the centre of my universe and had to be perfect at all times, which obviously now I realise is utterly ridiculous. Without a diagnosis, your son will be lacking that insight and self-awareness, so his frustrations will still be very real to him even though you can see the bigger picture.
Plastic makes a good point about written rather than telephone contact, and keeping it to family news (although possibly not about his brother if there are jealousies there) so there are no expectations or pressures. It might be worth re-reading what you write before sending it and applying the two filters I list above to double-check it won't be misinterpreted. Even if you only send it to his partner, it's likely that she'll share it with him as I doubt she'll want to have a relationship with you behind his back.
Although it must be sad and deeply frustrating, you should take heart in knowing that, despite everything, you have raised a man who is capable of living independently, applying for paid work and maintaining a long-term relationship. However, it may not be until he has children of his own that he gains any greater insight into his autism or his relationship with you.
There's only so much you can do and, for what it's worth, I think you've been truly amazing.
Nessie
NAS50301 said:If you do have any contact details for him, such as an email, it might help you to write a letter explaining how your son's behaviour has effected you, as well as what you're doing and why. Your son is a grown man and is responsible for his actions.
He might take that as an ultimatum - might end badly.
I think it would be better to re-establish communication an a clear, calm and non-emotional basis first before off-loading on him.
Autistic people are like NT's, our socialisation effects how we react to situations. Your son has been taught by your responses that it is ok to treat you in this manner. As such, the behaviour has continued and escalated over time.
You need to decide what you will and won't accept and put boundaries in place. For example, as he's now had 8 years to pick up his things are you going to throw them away?
If you do have any contact details for him, such as an email, it might help you to write a letter explaining how your son's behaviour has effected you, as well as what you're doing and why. Your son is a grown man and is responsible for his actions.
Hi Elisa - sorry you're going through this. I really feel your pain and the desire to tell him what you think of him but still loving him as a son and wanting to keep in contact. Unfortunately, your son sounds like a totally selfish a-hole.
When you say you contact him, is that by phone or writing/e-mail? We are notoriously bad at reacting to phone calls out of the blue - we have difficulty processing on the fly - e-mails are easier to deal with - there's time to think and formulate an answer. If he has a lot of mixed-up feelings about his relationship with you, they will be overloading his mind every time he has to talk to you which will put him off talking - so he will avoid it. Be careful of trying to pressure him into decisions - he sounds like his default is to avoid all demands by running away - which is of no use to you.
Is he still with his partner? (how does he manage that?) You might be better off talking to them via e-mail as a proxy for knowing your son is ok - you'll likely have an easier relationship with them and it will satisfy your need to know he's doing ok and it's probably the only way you'll know about any developments in his life.
Make sure you keep it light and it's not checking up on him - it's just maintaining contact - or he'll get paranoid that you're spying on him - you might need to be offering more information than you get back - just on the 'keeping him informed of any data/family news he needs to know'.
You might glean more insight about your son via the partner which will help you understand where he's coming from. His position may make no sense to you - especially if he's re-written history to suit his agenda.
Does he keep in contact with his brother?