Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I am hoping to establish contact with people who have an adult son or daughter, diagnosed/undiagnosed with Asperger's, and learn on how they have communicated with them.
My son N was a very difficult child; always challenged my authority, was never happy with anything I did, wanted his way all the time, did not have any friends. He talked endlessly on the topics he was interested in and wanted one-to-one attention at all times. In adulthood, and before he met his partner, he lacked empathy to others' pain but expected full sympathy when he was in a situation.
N has opted not to have any contact with me. The last time he lived in my house was when he moved in with his partner as they had left their flat. They stayed in my house for three months, rent free. They moved to a flat and when I asked him if he was going to take all his belongings as I did not want my home to be used as storage, he reacted badly saying that 'I wanted to chuck him out'. He stopped talking to me for nearly three years with emails saying that I was an abysmal, etc. mother. There was nothing I replied to him to stop his abuse. He contacted me at some point to ask about his GCSE and A level certificates and that he wanted them. . When I said that I could meet him or post them to him, he stopped communication.
Last year, March 2018, he had been in the area unbeknown to me. He had a flat tyre and the towing truck would only take the car to a preferred spot within a 10 mile radius. I happen to be within this distance so he turned up out of the blue and asked to spend the night so that in the morning, he would get a new tyre. I thought that by showing support he would finally 'wake up' from his way of treating me. He again stopped contact completely until this past September when he left an answering machine message saying he needed his certificates. Second time. He rang me and we had a small chat but N asked again if his brother was paying any rent as he is living at home to which I said no. N said I should ask for rent but I reminded him that he and his partner had not paid rent when they lived there or that N had not paid rent when he had finished university and whilst studying a postgraduate. He accused me of giving preference and stopped communication again. He has always been very jealous of his brother.
I had asked N when he would pick up his things as it now some eight years he left home. He always has an excuse. I keep thinking that he will grow up. The last time he rang me he said that he is going to go and live in Scotland.
I feel deeply hurt at the rejection; there is no consideration for me. I always help when I have been asked to do so. I answer his phone calls hoping that he will realise that I support him but now I feel just used. I would like that he responded in a normal way. I am in despair and seek the advice of a parent who has had a similar situation.
I thought of taking his belonging to a self storage place and did go and see one but I felt as if I was buying a box to bury him. I have been in turmoil since then. I do not know how to approach him, how to talk to him, what to say.
Thank you for reading my story and hope to hear from a parent who can communicate with me.
Elisa.
I think i can see the problem here. . .
Elisa, Ouch, you have written here quite a lot about how your son was a difficult child, how bad and awful he is essentially. he sounds like he is hurting and is angry at you, so this is a self inquiry question and one i only want you to ask yourself. why is he angry?
once you have thought about that (infact you can even ask him) Authentically Apologise and don't expect anything in return right away. perhaps then the doorways of communication can open and you can develop a more respectful relationship.
You cannot make a person think, see or behave the way you want them to but you do have the power to change how you think and respond.
also it's okay to put his stuff in storage
Hi thanks for your reply. N was angry when his younger brother was born. He always asked me why I had had another child. I suppose the anger has not left him. We got on very well on a one-to-one basis. Since he found a partner, he pushed me to one side. Some years ago he was planning to break up with her and he asked me if he could come to live with me. He knows I always supported him but I was dreading it. He might also be angry at his father because he knows what his father did and their father never supported them financially or emotionally. All his frustrations have been vented on me. I am not a martyr style person but it still hurts.
You say I have the power to change how I think and respond. Yes, I know. How else could I respond other than emailing him and asking how he is doing which he might ignore and therefore I would feel utterly rejected again. Or email him to say that I will be storing his things in a self storage place and that might incite him to reply. Whatever I do or whatever I say it is always wrong. This is very emotionally exhausting and that is the reason why I have not approached him.
I have apologised in the past for whatever mistakes I made as a parent. I was on my own so I am bound to have taken wrong decisions but had always my sons in the forefront of my mind whatever decisions I took. This alongside the hurt from their father's deceit, etc. Not easy and on top, N's oppositional behaviour at all times. I also apologised for having had a partner who shouted at N but who placed boundaries for his behaviour. N hated me for having a man in my life. I needed help to control N. Thank you for your kind feedback.
Yes - it sounds like a very angry situation - so any communication will be impossible with such a high levels of emotion on both sides.
I doubt there will be much changing in the foreseeable future as it's out of sight, out of mind - and if it pops into his head, it's blurred by all the anger.
I can only suggest a simple letter explaining that you understand his position and appreciate he doesn't want much/any contact - but as a parent, you can't help but worry about him and would it be ok for a 6-monthly quick update from him to put your mind at rest - no hassle, no massive details - just so you know he's ok.
If at any time in the future he wants to talk to you or even visit, that would be most welcome - but you understand and respect his privacy and you're so pleased that he's leading a happy life.