Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I am hoping to establish contact with people who have an adult son or daughter, diagnosed/undiagnosed with Asperger's, and learn on how they have communicated with them.
My son N was a very difficult child; always challenged my authority, was never happy with anything I did, wanted his way all the time, did not have any friends. He talked endlessly on the topics he was interested in and wanted one-to-one attention at all times. In adulthood, and before he met his partner, he lacked empathy to others' pain but expected full sympathy when he was in a situation.
N has opted not to have any contact with me. The last time he lived in my house was when he moved in with his partner as they had left their flat. They stayed in my house for three months, rent free. They moved to a flat and when I asked him if he was going to take all his belongings as I did not want my home to be used as storage, he reacted badly saying that 'I wanted to chuck him out'. He stopped talking to me for nearly three years with emails saying that I was an abysmal, etc. mother. There was nothing I replied to him to stop his abuse. He contacted me at some point to ask about his GCSE and A level certificates and that he wanted them. . When I said that I could meet him or post them to him, he stopped communication.
Last year, March 2018, he had been in the area unbeknown to me. He had a flat tyre and the towing truck would only take the car to a preferred spot within a 10 mile radius. I happen to be within this distance so he turned up out of the blue and asked to spend the night so that in the morning, he would get a new tyre. I thought that by showing support he would finally 'wake up' from his way of treating me. He again stopped contact completely until this past September when he left an answering machine message saying he needed his certificates. Second time. He rang me and we had a small chat but N asked again if his brother was paying any rent as he is living at home to which I said no. N said I should ask for rent but I reminded him that he and his partner had not paid rent when they lived there or that N had not paid rent when he had finished university and whilst studying a postgraduate. He accused me of giving preference and stopped communication again. He has always been very jealous of his brother.
I had asked N when he would pick up his things as it now some eight years he left home. He always has an excuse. I keep thinking that he will grow up. The last time he rang me he said that he is going to go and live in Scotland.
I feel deeply hurt at the rejection; there is no consideration for me. I always help when I have been asked to do so. I answer his phone calls hoping that he will realise that I support him but now I feel just used. I would like that he responded in a normal way. I am in despair and seek the advice of a parent who has had a similar situation.
I thought of taking his belonging to a self storage place and did go and see one but I felt as if I was buying a box to bury him. I have been in turmoil since then. I do not know how to approach him, how to talk to him, what to say.
Thank you for reading my story and hope to hear from a parent who can communicate with me.
Elisa.
Hello,
Firstly, while I think considering autism as an explanation for his past and present behaviour might be extremely helpful, it is no doubt so tangled up with his overall psychological health, so perhaps approaching this situation as if he were an ordinary/neurotypical person (albeit a particularly sensitive one) may be a good starting point? Have you read the book Nonviolent Communication? I know people who have used the strategies in this book to repair relationships that have become non-communicative and passive aggressive.
Secondly, reading about your son's behaviour, I think I can identify where it comes from and see similarities with my own relationship with my parents. If he really is autistic and has never sought or received a diagnosis, by the age of 33 there is a real possibility of built-up emotional and psychological distress. It could mean that he now has in-built feelings of resentment, or a general distrust toward others, even when they are trying to help him. This is the way it was with me.
It may provide you with a great deal of relief to learn about autism and how it might relate to your son's relationship. Could you ask yourself - how would I approach this is N was autistic? How would I approach this if N was neurotypical? With the former approach, I would recommend reading about autism is adults (Luke Beardon's book is good). For the latter, I would recommend a nonviolent communication approach (i.e. figuring out what he needs and avoiding aggression, passive or otherwise).
I think it's clear you have tried your best with the knowledge and resources you had. Not to mention that you have come here to sincerely ask advice, which shows genuine caring.
Good luck,
Tintal