Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I am hoping to establish contact with people who have an adult son or daughter, diagnosed/undiagnosed with Asperger's, and learn on how they have communicated with them.
My son N was a very difficult child; always challenged my authority, was never happy with anything I did, wanted his way all the time, did not have any friends. He talked endlessly on the topics he was interested in and wanted one-to-one attention at all times. In adulthood, and before he met his partner, he lacked empathy to others' pain but expected full sympathy when he was in a situation.
N has opted not to have any contact with me. The last time he lived in my house was when he moved in with his partner as they had left their flat. They stayed in my house for three months, rent free. They moved to a flat and when I asked him if he was going to take all his belongings as I did not want my home to be used as storage, he reacted badly saying that 'I wanted to chuck him out'. He stopped talking to me for nearly three years with emails saying that I was an abysmal, etc. mother. There was nothing I replied to him to stop his abuse. He contacted me at some point to ask about his GCSE and A level certificates and that he wanted them. . When I said that I could meet him or post them to him, he stopped communication.
Last year, March 2018, he had been in the area unbeknown to me. He had a flat tyre and the towing truck would only take the car to a preferred spot within a 10 mile radius. I happen to be within this distance so he turned up out of the blue and asked to spend the night so that in the morning, he would get a new tyre. I thought that by showing support he would finally 'wake up' from his way of treating me. He again stopped contact completely until this past September when he left an answering machine message saying he needed his certificates. Second time. He rang me and we had a small chat but N asked again if his brother was paying any rent as he is living at home to which I said no. N said I should ask for rent but I reminded him that he and his partner had not paid rent when they lived there or that N had not paid rent when he had finished university and whilst studying a postgraduate. He accused me of giving preference and stopped communication again. He has always been very jealous of his brother.
I had asked N when he would pick up his things as it now some eight years he left home. He always has an excuse. I keep thinking that he will grow up. The last time he rang me he said that he is going to go and live in Scotland.
I feel deeply hurt at the rejection; there is no consideration for me. I always help when I have been asked to do so. I answer his phone calls hoping that he will realise that I support him but now I feel just used. I would like that he responded in a normal way. I am in despair and seek the advice of a parent who has had a similar situation.
I thought of taking his belonging to a self storage place and did go and see one but I felt as if I was buying a box to bury him. I have been in turmoil since then. I do not know how to approach him, how to talk to him, what to say.
Thank you for reading my story and hope to hear from a parent who can communicate with me.
Elisa.
Hi Elisa,
I do so feel for you. I am so sorry that you've had to tolerate decades of such unkind behaviour from your son.
I know it must all feel very personal but please try to remember two things:
As a teen and in my early twenties, I took out a great deal of my frustrations on my mother (I wasn't diagnosed until age 30); I was angry and blamed her for a lot of what I was going through (my thinking was, she was my mum so why didn't she understand me, help me and protect me?). It's taken me several years post-diagnosis to see that we were in a difficult situation and she always tried her best, even if, at times, that made things a lot worse for me. In my mind, she was the centre of my universe and had to be perfect at all times, which obviously now I realise is utterly ridiculous. Without a diagnosis, your son will be lacking that insight and self-awareness, so his frustrations will still be very real to him even though you can see the bigger picture.
Plastic makes a good point about written rather than telephone contact, and keeping it to family news (although possibly not about his brother if there are jealousies there) so there are no expectations or pressures. It might be worth re-reading what you write before sending it and applying the two filters I list above to double-check it won't be misinterpreted. Even if you only send it to his partner, it's likely that she'll share it with him as I doubt she'll want to have a relationship with you behind his back.
Although it must be sad and deeply frustrating, you should take heart in knowing that, despite everything, you have raised a man who is capable of living independently, applying for paid work and maintaining a long-term relationship. However, it may not be until he has children of his own that he gains any greater insight into his autism or his relationship with you.
There's only so much you can do and, for what it's worth, I think you've been truly amazing.
Nessie
I agree - I wasn't thinking of her communicating with her son's partner behind his back - more of her being able to communicate with her son via the partner - someone who will probably be more likely to maintain contact and judge the situation with a more balanced view.
I agree that he's done very well to be a functioning person away from home with his own relationships - but I don't think there's really any excuse to treat his own immediate family like that - especially after so many years - unless there's been some historical massive bust-up where the relationship has totally broken down - but the fact he chose to camp there when the car broke seems to indicate he's just totally indifferent about his mother/brother. Their well-being doesn't seem to cross his mind. Which is a shame.
The black & white thinking, all or nothing position makes things very difficult to move forward - especially as this has become the new 'normal' for so long.