Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I am hoping to establish contact with people who have an adult son or daughter, diagnosed/undiagnosed with Asperger's, and learn on how they have communicated with them.
My son N was a very difficult child; always challenged my authority, was never happy with anything I did, wanted his way all the time, did not have any friends. He talked endlessly on the topics he was interested in and wanted one-to-one attention at all times. In adulthood, and before he met his partner, he lacked empathy to others' pain but expected full sympathy when he was in a situation.
N has opted not to have any contact with me. The last time he lived in my house was when he moved in with his partner as they had left their flat. They stayed in my house for three months, rent free. They moved to a flat and when I asked him if he was going to take all his belongings as I did not want my home to be used as storage, he reacted badly saying that 'I wanted to chuck him out'. He stopped talking to me for nearly three years with emails saying that I was an abysmal, etc. mother. There was nothing I replied to him to stop his abuse. He contacted me at some point to ask about his GCSE and A level certificates and that he wanted them. . When I said that I could meet him or post them to him, he stopped communication.
Last year, March 2018, he had been in the area unbeknown to me. He had a flat tyre and the towing truck would only take the car to a preferred spot within a 10 mile radius. I happen to be within this distance so he turned up out of the blue and asked to spend the night so that in the morning, he would get a new tyre. I thought that by showing support he would finally 'wake up' from his way of treating me. He again stopped contact completely until this past September when he left an answering machine message saying he needed his certificates. Second time. He rang me and we had a small chat but N asked again if his brother was paying any rent as he is living at home to which I said no. N said I should ask for rent but I reminded him that he and his partner had not paid rent when they lived there or that N had not paid rent when he had finished university and whilst studying a postgraduate. He accused me of giving preference and stopped communication again. He has always been very jealous of his brother.
I had asked N when he would pick up his things as it now some eight years he left home. He always has an excuse. I keep thinking that he will grow up. The last time he rang me he said that he is going to go and live in Scotland.
I feel deeply hurt at the rejection; there is no consideration for me. I always help when I have been asked to do so. I answer his phone calls hoping that he will realise that I support him but now I feel just used. I would like that he responded in a normal way. I am in despair and seek the advice of a parent who has had a similar situation.
I thought of taking his belonging to a self storage place and did go and see one but I felt as if I was buying a box to bury him. I have been in turmoil since then. I do not know how to approach him, how to talk to him, what to say.
Thank you for reading my story and hope to hear from a parent who can communicate with me.
Elisa.
Hi Elisa - I can see parallels here to my own situation with my son who is almost 40. My relationship with him in his adulthood has always been strained and was blown right out of the water when I had cancer ten years ago. He couldn't cope with it and flipped - it resulted in us not speaking for 6 years. The more I've learned about Aspergers, the more I feel he needs to be assessed. His behaviour is often hurtful and I end up never knowing where to turn to help me through all of this. My son now has a child and is being difficult about me seeing her.
The thing that I find most difficult is getting support for myself. By support I mean somewhere that I can ask questions about his behaviour, somewhere that I can talk to other people in the same situation, advice on how to be with him, advice on how to broach the subject of him getting an assessment. It is all a bit of a mine field, and as a mother you always want to do the best for your child. Sometimes I have to tell myself that he is on his own journey and I gave him the best upbringing that I could - his reality is that I was a bad mother and still am. His lack of understanding, empathy, willingness to see someone else's viewpoint, wears me out. My son wants to see me, but always on his terms. If I put boundaries in place, he goads and pushes me to get his own way, to the point of bullying me. I honestly don't know how his wife puts up with him. As for his daughter, she is 5 now and must be so confused by his behaviour and mood swings. I worry about her. He has no filters and swears in front of her, is argumentative with her - I feel her life is quite chaotic with him. It is all a worry isn't it.
I read your post and thought, 'I'm not alone'! I read your post and felt sad for all us parents who are trying our best to understand and help our children. It often feels like a losing battle.