Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I am hoping to establish contact with people who have an adult son or daughter, diagnosed/undiagnosed with Asperger's, and learn on how they have communicated with them.
My son N was a very difficult child; always challenged my authority, was never happy with anything I did, wanted his way all the time, did not have any friends. He talked endlessly on the topics he was interested in and wanted one-to-one attention at all times. In adulthood, and before he met his partner, he lacked empathy to others' pain but expected full sympathy when he was in a situation.
N has opted not to have any contact with me. The last time he lived in my house was when he moved in with his partner as they had left their flat. They stayed in my house for three months, rent free. They moved to a flat and when I asked him if he was going to take all his belongings as I did not want my home to be used as storage, he reacted badly saying that 'I wanted to chuck him out'. He stopped talking to me for nearly three years with emails saying that I was an abysmal, etc. mother. There was nothing I replied to him to stop his abuse. He contacted me at some point to ask about his GCSE and A level certificates and that he wanted them. . When I said that I could meet him or post them to him, he stopped communication.
Last year, March 2018, he had been in the area unbeknown to me. He had a flat tyre and the towing truck would only take the car to a preferred spot within a 10 mile radius. I happen to be within this distance so he turned up out of the blue and asked to spend the night so that in the morning, he would get a new tyre. I thought that by showing support he would finally 'wake up' from his way of treating me. He again stopped contact completely until this past September when he left an answering machine message saying he needed his certificates. Second time. He rang me and we had a small chat but N asked again if his brother was paying any rent as he is living at home to which I said no. N said I should ask for rent but I reminded him that he and his partner had not paid rent when they lived there or that N had not paid rent when he had finished university and whilst studying a postgraduate. He accused me of giving preference and stopped communication again. He has always been very jealous of his brother.
I had asked N when he would pick up his things as it now some eight years he left home. He always has an excuse. I keep thinking that he will grow up. The last time he rang me he said that he is going to go and live in Scotland.
I feel deeply hurt at the rejection; there is no consideration for me. I always help when I have been asked to do so. I answer his phone calls hoping that he will realise that I support him but now I feel just used. I would like that he responded in a normal way. I am in despair and seek the advice of a parent who has had a similar situation.
I thought of taking his belonging to a self storage place and did go and see one but I felt as if I was buying a box to bury him. I have been in turmoil since then. I do not know how to approach him, how to talk to him, what to say.
Thank you for reading my story and hope to hear from a parent who can communicate with me.
Elisa.
Hi Elisa - sorry you're going through this. I really feel your pain and the desire to tell him what you think of him but still loving him as a son and wanting to keep in contact. Unfortunately, your son sounds like a totally selfish a-hole.
When you say you contact him, is that by phone or writing/e-mail? We are notoriously bad at reacting to phone calls out of the blue - we have difficulty processing on the fly - e-mails are easier to deal with - there's time to think and formulate an answer. If he has a lot of mixed-up feelings about his relationship with you, they will be overloading his mind every time he has to talk to you which will put him off talking - so he will avoid it. Be careful of trying to pressure him into decisions - he sounds like his default is to avoid all demands by running away - which is of no use to you.
Is he still with his partner? (how does he manage that?) You might be better off talking to them via e-mail as a proxy for knowing your son is ok - you'll likely have an easier relationship with them and it will satisfy your need to know he's doing ok and it's probably the only way you'll know about any developments in his life.
Make sure you keep it light and it's not checking up on him - it's just maintaining contact - or he'll get paranoid that you're spying on him - you might need to be offering more information than you get back - just on the 'keeping him informed of any data/family news he needs to know'.
You might glean more insight about your son via the partner which will help you understand where he's coming from. His position may make no sense to you - especially if he's re-written history to suit his agenda.
Does he keep in contact with his brother?
Many thanks for your suggestions on how to communicate with my son. I had rung his partner some three years ago when he was very upset as he was not being invited to job interviews. As he had not replied to my emails or What's, I rang his partner to ask if N was OK. She said he was and that was the end of the conversation as she was at work. My son sent me an email or text, cannot remember, saying that he would seek and injunction if I ever rang his partner again, and not to try to find out about him via her. I never tried this again, not because of fear of the injunction, but because the emotional drain for me is too much after years of the same threats.
My younger son does not want any communication with his brother; he does not trust him and dislikes the way he treated him throughout their childhood.
N had definitely re-written what he believes happened. He seems to accuse me of all sorts of things and I can only think that in his mind he justifies his conduct towards me. Should you have any other suggestions, I would welcome them. Many thanks again. Elisa