Published on 12, July, 2020
I just wondered if anyone has any experience of this? My son is much more challenging to my husband than myself. He pulled his hair and spat at him yesterday. I know he absolutely would not do that to me. He doesn't do these things all the time, just when he's frustrated. It's quite upsetting and I'm not sure of the reasons. They do have a lovely bond and spend time playing together and share interests. Any ideas?
That sounds like he's disagreeing with your rules - you might be measuring him incorrectly so he considers he's being good and doing the best he can when he's seeing variable laws applied to him. The inconsistency will be incredibly stressful for him - he's being punished for things that he can't help or things that everyone else gets away with - it won't make any sense to him so there will be no reasoning with him if he's being 'disciplined' unfairly. Us auties really don't cope well with obvious unfairness - it just adds to the anger and stress - which is likely to make him look as though he's misbehaving - a vicious circle that will fry his brain.
We thrive on logic and fairness - it's an overblown sense of social justice - if things don't make sense, we can't process it and so it bothers us - a lot!
The following is important to any child but even more so to a child with autism.
1 No one can follow the rules unless they know what the rules are. We need clearly defined rules.
2 we need clearly defined consequences for the rules. The consequences applied for breaking a rule need to be consistent.
We can not one day ground our child for breaking a rule and then the next day a warning for breaking the same rule. You and and your husband need to be on the same page. And your child needs to know that the consequences are not something you want to do, it is required of you as a parent and due directly to their behavior.
3 communication is important. Your child needs to know what rule was broken and the consequences for the broken rule before the consequences can be administered. It doesn't hurt to have a mercy clause. In other words, for something that really could not help, like an extenuating circumstance. But even then they would need to know that it is a mercy clause and why it is accepted.
Even if your son has "learned" something from someone else, he still needs to be held responsible for his behavior. and it is your responsibility to make sure he unlearns it. If your son becomes so violent that you or your husband can not discipline him you may need to try other tactics like a football blocking shield.( this may also be a way for your husband to help your son relieve pressure. )Personally I firm believer in child labor lol. So my most important advice, and thank you for patients, always hug your child and make sure they know that they are loved no matter what.
He is 8. It is usually a direct response to him disciplining him. Son struggles to accept discipline as it makes him feel like everything he does is wrong even tho we explain it's not. He lacks confidence. I know he sees quite a lot of poor behaviour at school and has always been one for copying and echolalia
Children learn from others, therefore, the first thing I'd wanting to know is how did he learn this behaviour and is it a situation to be concerned about e.g is there anyone in his life who reacts in this way to him.
The second thing is your son has unhealthy coping mechanisms for anger and frustration. Your son needs to know these feelings are normal but releasing them in a way that hurts others isn't ok and that he needs to find a more effective way to cope. This could be by excercise e.g going for a run, hitting a punch bag etc
It sounds like your son is frustrated and stressed by something and is looking to lash out to try to make the anger go away - sort of burning it out - and it's likely that he wants his dad to engage in very rough play - to a level that will satisfy his need to burn. It's a bit of a dangerous journey that can get out of hand as he gets older, bigger and stronger. What hobbies does he have where he can get rid of all the excess energy? He needs to have someone drive this for him 1:1 or he wont do it - things like having a punch bag but someone interacting with him so he can really direct the aggression onto the bag - and not his dad. Other things like martial arts or wrestling. Something where he can get the measure of his own power and learn to control it safely.
He can learn to vent his frustrations in a positive way rather than getting attention for all the wrong reasons.
You didn't mention how old your son is - and is he in school? Does he have any friends and is he being bullied?