Struggling mum of undiagnosed Aspergers daughter

As an autistic mum of an autistic teen, I've been on both sides. Ialso, we've been through the whole system ending in foster care so I'd love to help, I just wanted to clarify the first point before diving in with opinions and advice. 

Was it yourself that was in foster care ? We are a strong unit but we are struggling, I’m rhe strongest member of the family and I am struggling.  The issues make us argue between ourselves and it’s really not very nice. But we do all love each other.  I’d love to have somewhere to go for a break but that’s not really possible and I wouldn’t want to leave my husband on his own with the issues and family dynamics. I keep wondering if the issues will get worse ...she’s only 12 now.  What does the future hold ? 

I hear you! It can break relationships pretty quickly!  Even the strongest families can crumble. Stay honest, stay committed and above all, try to have fun times in between, because that will save you. I know it's impossible a lot of the time. 

No, not me, my teen has just been taken. 8 weeks ago. Pain like you can't imagine, but at this point maybe needed. Time will tell. Social services involved from 12 onwards after school refusal and path that follows. I asked for help. I shouldn't have. I don't want to slate SS as maybe someone has had a good experience, but in mine they have destroyed our lives. 5 different social workers, 3 CAMHS workers etc. 

The answer to your question is, yes, it does get harder as you get older and as she gets older. Just wait till she's having periods if not already! Other kids get older and grow their independence, but that doesn't happen with us, we stay younger and can not meet the same expectations. Often we regress due to anxiety. 

But you can help by not expecting anything too much, praising and supporting every achievement, allowing some challenge but being mindful that if she can't  do it, that's ok. Kindness, patience, positivity is key. 

We have an unrivalled ability to be  negative, to let hurt and anger over take and to get lost in our own suffering. Be aware that a comment that may seem like nothing can fester inside for days, weeks, months, years. It's not intentional, it's inevitable because unlike most normal people every day is hard and stressful unless in our comfort zones and enjoying our special interests. Plus, we are often hypersensitive which will make every experience magnified. Others can be hypersensitive and they are the opposite, unable to feel certain things. Either way, everything is dramatic. Think teenager plus 100! 

Like I say, I've been that kid and at 38 with my own one i  am still no different inside. You don't out grow any of it, you learn to manage and keep people who help and accept you close. But autistic girls tend to cling to their mum more and see them as their best friend. If they think that bond is not strong enough, that they are rejected ( even if all you want is some time alone) that can cause upset. This is where "out of the blue" behaviour comes in. 

I hope some of this is helpful! 

I hear you! It can break relationships pretty quickly!  Even the strongest families can crumble. Stay honest, stay committed and above all, try to have fun times in between, because that will save you. I know it's impossible a lot of the time. 

No, not me, my teen has just been taken. 8 weeks ago. Pain like you can't imagine, but at this point maybe needed. Time will tell. Social services involved from 12 onwards after school refusal and path that follows. I asked for help. I shouldn't have. I don't want to slate SS as maybe someone has had a good experience, but in mine they have destroyed our lives. 5 different social workers, 3 CAMHS workers etc. 

The answer to your question is, yes, it does get harder as you get older and as she gets older. Just wait till she's having periods if not already! Other kids get older and grow their independence, but that doesn't happen with us, we stay younger and can not meet the same expectations. Often we regress due to anxiety. 

But you can help by not expecting anything too much, praising and supporting every achievement, allowing some challenge but being mindful that if she can't  do it, that's ok. Kindness, patience, positivity is key. 

We have an unrivalled ability to be  negative, to let hurt and anger over take and to get lost in our own suffering. Be aware that a comment that may seem like nothing can fester inside for days, weeks, months, years. It's not intentional, it's inevitable because unlike most normal people every day is hard and stressful unless in our comfort zones and enjoying our special interests. Plus, we are often hypersensitive which will make every experience magnified. Others can be hypersensitive and they are the opposite, unable to feel certain things. Either way, everything is dramatic. Think teenager plus 100! 

Like I say, I've been that kid and at 38 with my own one i  am still no different inside. You don't out grow any of it, you learn to manage and keep people who help and accept you close. But autistic girls tend to cling to their mum more and see them as their best friend. If they think that bond is not strong enough, that they are rejected ( even if all you want is some time alone) that can cause upset. This is where "out of the blue" behaviour comes in. 

I hope some of this is helpful!