Published on 12, July, 2020
I am here today as I am struggling a lot myself. I feel I have no one to talk to. It’s not easy to say what I need to say to people who are not in my situation. I’m scared for the future of my daughter and I love her very much but I really dislike her behaviour and the effect she is having on our family, she is breaking us. I also feel she's purposefully pushing all the buttons to hurt me and I don’t like how I am feeling towards her at the moment, I feel like a terrible mum but all I do is try and care and fight her corner. She just treats me like dirt. I hate the way she makes me feel, I didn’t set about to have a family to feel like this about my own child.
Yesterday she was so bad I stayed in my bedroom all afternoon, I’ve been to the doctor as I am struggling with sleep myself now, last week I didn’t want to get in my car because I was scared I would crash it into a wall. I really don’t like the feelings I have about her, it’s either going well (when she’s out of her comfort zone) or just a horrendous negative situation fuelled by her nastiness to everyone around her
I know I need to be managing this and taking control and being the strong grown up but I cannot cope with it at the minute and i need some support but don’t know where to get it ? I really need some help.
As an autistic mum of an autistic teen, I've been on both sides. Ialso, we've been through the whole system ending in foster care so I'd love to help, I just wanted to clarify the first point before diving in with opinions and advice.
Was it yourself that was in foster care ? We are a strong unit but we are struggling, I’m rhe strongest member of the family and I am struggling. The issues make us argue between ourselves and it’s really not very nice. But we do all love each other. I’d love to have somewhere to go for a break but that’s not really possible and I wouldn’t want to leave my husband on his own with the issues and family dynamics. I keep wondering if the issues will get worse ...she’s only 12 now. What does the future hold ?
Just a side note about why secondary school is where things really kick off.
You go from being able to play in juniors ( even if you have no friends , you can still play) to having to behave like an adult: walking about, talking and gossiping with other people. That can be boring, confusing, stressful and when you add social grouping to it, it is like a whole new world of trauma to navigate. Unstructured free time is really challenging.
Then add sexuality issues, harder work in class, teachers knowing little to nothing about autistic girls and you have a recipe for disaster. If you don't have an EHCP yet, it's worse.
We often start restricting diet or binge eating especially sugary things for comfort, and that leads to more mood swings.
Because you are naive, you get taken advantage of a lot and bullied for being different. Normal kids can shake off bullying more than us, and they can distinguish between intent and non intent far more. We are either oblivious or take everything much harder.
It is just relentless and traumatic being an autistic teenager, and you cannot escape one single minute of your own head, so bear that in mind whenever you see the outcome of that exploding in the home.
Bond with her over her interests and spend as much time together as possible. If she tells you her problems, acknowledge them, be empathetic but DO NOT say you understand because you don't, you can't, and that will annoy her; if you can help, then help, if not, just be there while she vents. Venting is very important and a lot of people don't get that. It is often the way to get out negativity so we don't explode physically. After that, distract her with her interests and try to have a positive day.
Walking the tightrope between being protective and involved but trying to stay objective, and being too protective and involved and not being able to be objective is nigh on impossible. You're damned if you do, and your damed if you don't, but all you can do is try!
I hear you! It can break relationships pretty quickly! Even the strongest families can crumble. Stay honest, stay committed and above all, try to have fun times in between, because that will save you. I know it's impossible a lot of the time.
No, not me, my teen has just been taken. 8 weeks ago. Pain like you can't imagine, but at this point maybe needed. Time will tell. Social services involved from 12 onwards after school refusal and path that follows. I asked for help. I shouldn't have. I don't want to slate SS as maybe someone has had a good experience, but in mine they have destroyed our lives. 5 different social workers, 3 CAMHS workers etc.
The answer to your question is, yes, it does get harder as you get older and as she gets older. Just wait till she's having periods if not already! Other kids get older and grow their independence, but that doesn't happen with us, we stay younger and can not meet the same expectations. Often we regress due to anxiety.
But you can help by not expecting anything too much, praising and supporting every achievement, allowing some challenge but being mindful that if she can't do it, that's ok. Kindness, patience, positivity is key.
We have an unrivalled ability to be negative, to let hurt and anger over take and to get lost in our own suffering. Be aware that a comment that may seem like nothing can fester inside for days, weeks, months, years. It's not intentional, it's inevitable because unlike most normal people every day is hard and stressful unless in our comfort zones and enjoying our special interests. Plus, we are often hypersensitive which will make every experience magnified. Others can be hypersensitive and they are the opposite, unable to feel certain things. Either way, everything is dramatic. Think teenager plus 100!
Like I say, I've been that kid and at 38 with my own one i am still no different inside. You don't out grow any of it, you learn to manage and keep people who help and accept you close. But autistic girls tend to cling to their mum more and see them as their best friend. If they think that bond is not strong enough, that they are rejected ( even if all you want is some time alone) that can cause upset. This is where "out of the blue" behaviour comes in.
I hope some of this is helpful!