I am here today as I am struggling a lot myself. I feel I have no one to talk to. It’s not easy to say what I need to say to people who are not in my situation. I’m scared for the future of my daughter and I love her very much but I really dislike her behaviour and the effect she is having on our family, she is breaking us. I also feel she's purposefully pushing all the buttons to hurt me and I don’t like how I am feeling towards her at the moment, I feel like a terrible mum but all I do is try and care and fight her corner. She just treats me like dirt. I hate the way she makes me feel, I didn’t set about to have a family to feel like this about my own child.
Yesterday she was so bad I stayed in my bedroom all afternoon, I’ve been to the doctor as I am struggling with sleep myself now, last week I didn’t want to get in my car because I was scared I would crash it into a wall. I really don’t like the feelings I have about her, it’s either going well (when she’s out of her comfort zone) or just a horrendous negative situation fuelled by her nastiness to everyone around her
I know I need to be managing this and taking control and being the strong grown up but I cannot cope with it at the minute and i need some support but don’t know where to get it ? I really need some help.
Sorry you're struggling. I,'d like to try to help, but I need to know: you say your child is undiagnosed, so is it professionals that thinks she is autistic and you're waiting for a referral, or you're not getting a referral because only you think she is?
Female autism diagnoses are extrenemy hard to get- myself and my child both got ours after a very long, very stressful fight.
She's probably feeling lost in her own world and struggling with social situations at school - this usually manifests as a total lack of control of that world- it's all getting away from her. She's probably very stressed by it all and is desperately trying to assert control over whatever she can.
The outside world is scary and unpredictable and she cannot guess the reactions of strangers so the only thing she can predict and control are the people closest to her - you.
She's flexing her social control muscles in a really unhealthy way - is there anyone she respects and wouldn't be so horrible to like grandparents of any other family members - people who can chat to her without her flying off the handle to explain to her that her behaviour is understandable - but unacceptable - and that you all understand her problems - and that talking over the stress with you and coming up with solutions would be more helpful for her than attacking you.
She needs to understand that you're on her side and want to help - but she's making it impossible. A big reality check seems to be needed.
Is there anything you both enjoy doing together that would provide a distraction from her problems?
I actually started crying as I was reading this out to my husband, my 12 year old son is going through the same, and we feel the same feeling that we are alone, he is not nice to his other siblings and to us he says the most horrible things, this normally happens when he is feeling extremely anxious and worrying about something, things have gotten so bad that he has stop going to school and our psychologist has told us she thinks mainstream secondary school isn’t for him.
I really hope you get the support you need for your family he is also undiagnosed Aspergers waiting for his assessment
As an autistic mum of an autistic teen, I've been on both sides. Ialso, we've been through the whole system ending in foster care so I'd love to help, I just wanted to clarify the first point before diving in with opinions and advice.
How old is your daughter?
Such a hard situation
Thanks for your kindness in replying .... she is on the diagnosis pathway the paediatrician has put her for a referral and we are currently awaiting the speech and language referral, I believe there are a few appointments on the way to a diagnosis. I have read so many books and I thing she has ocd and Aspergers also. I want to support her but I need support to do that. There are no grandparents or friends to ask and we are a unit on our own.
I'm glad you've got the referrals. What is the speech and language referral for? What issues does she have? Are there any other issues that you know of apart from OCD, which is common in ASD? Anxiety and depression, food issues, gender issues, phobias are all common too. People often think you are somehow inoculated against anything else if you are autistic, but that's not true at all.
You have support here. I know how hard it is being isolated. I had to fight everyone to get our diagnoses, and I'm sure the others here will have similar experiences.
How old is your child, by the way? Mine just turned 16. Do you have other kids or not?
sorry that my message made you sad but in a way it’s probably a comfort to know others have the similar issues. I’ve always wished she was a year below in school as she’s very immature and vulnerable. I have had 4 horrendous days with her I have tried not to speak with her unless it's necessary. Today we had a family day and we were distant from each other but we were together and I think we really needed that. When we came home she started the negativity again so I hope tomorrow is a good day. I have spoken with an advice service about the negativity towards other siblings and they told me I have to be strong and make it all minimal as possible and show they siblings that I’ve got it all under control. It’s not easy it really isn’t. I do try my best but I also get it really wrong. I hope you have support for your son and get all the help you can x
Was it yourself that was in foster care ? We are a strong unit but we are struggling, I’m rhe strongest member of the family and I am struggling. The issues make us argue between ourselves and it’s really not very nice. But we do all love each other. I’d love to have somewhere to go for a break but that’s not really possible and I wouldn’t want to leave my husband on his own with the issues and family dynamics. I keep wondering if the issues will get worse ...she’s only 12 now. What does the future hold ?