Teenage daughter

Hi,

My daughter is not diagnosed with autism but i feel she has significant traits and wonder if anyone can advise.

My daughter is 14 and had been going out with a 14 year old boy, this boy had previously been taking drugs and had tried to kill himself. 

They go to the same school and i thought she would be able to manage her own emotions as she is very opinionated . SHe has never been allowed to his house. 

It turns out she has been going to his house and having sex with him. I also took her phone and he has told her 3 times to kill her self and so she has been writing to all her friends that she plans to kill herself, in fact she writes it all the time but Denys it when questioned. He has been very horrible in messages to her , abusive even and toxic.

I have contacted the police who in turn will refer to social services and have put some safeguarding in at school.

She has been told that if she contacts him she has to leave the school. He sent her a note she replied. We had a massive blow up and she said she wouldn’t contact him again , on Friday i found a note written to him but not given...she is not sorry , she is destroying our family , my husband is broken and she not a single person believes her to be in the right but she just cant see it.

We have spoken to her , my police friend has spoken to her , my mum , my niece and several teachers at school even her friends but she just cannot see what she is doing is wrong and effects us all.

Every month since she started seeing him she has had a mental breakdown , hysteria ,screaming me having to restrain her as she is always ‘leaving’ hyperventilating etc

She isolates herself and used to spend all her time on her phone. He sent her a link to watch ‘death videos’ and she ended up watching them loads and became obsessed with serial killers.

she has no phone , isn’t allowed to shut her bedroom door , has no access to the internet and is taken and picked up from school , she knows the police and social services are involved but cannot ‘sort herself out’

She has no remorse and all she says is we have taken her things.

She gets very nervous when we shout but ends up with a wall up so i have agreed to not shout but to walk away and it has helped.

Today we went into a charity shop and she asked for 4 bratz dolls and i said ,yeah alright you must be joking but she really wanted them and has played with them all evening ?????? How can this be a kid who had sex and wants to kill herself? She hasn’t played with toys in 4 years.

I have emailed a local psychiatrist to get an appointment asap.

Please someone help me!

Advice on how to help her see things from a different perspective would be great.

Thanks

Jo

Parents
  • This is my take on what's happening:

    • Your daughter wanted a bf, having sex with your bf at 14 is pretty standard for many pupils - as such she is following social convention
    • GFs/BFs have shared interests and encourage them in what they do. This is happening, although, not in a conventional way
    • From your reaction to her situation, it appears in close relationships in your family it's normal to behave dysfunctionally e.g shouting to resolve conflict even though this usually makes things worse. So she may see hurting each other to be normal to relationships
    • As the relationship looks in jeopardy, the harder she tries to keep him as she doesn't want to fail at having a bf
    • The interest in death may also be driven by her own internal desires. I tried to kill myself at 14 as it became more evident how different I was to the rest of society
    Many autistic women go through a similiar unhealthy relationship when they are initially exploring their sexuality. They then realise what is happening isn't healthy and then put strategies in place to protect themselves in future. I did. Rather than giving your daughter the freedom to learn from her own experiences you are trying to control her. This tends to create more conflict and will affect your daughter's development as a person.
    As a family, you don't seem to have healthy coping mechanisms, e.g shouting at her, making a huger circus out of the situation by involving the police, not reading widely enough/engaging in workshops to understand this would be something you're likely to encounter and devising a pre-emtive plan of action. It may be beneficial to take a holistic view of this and enrol in family therapy rather than singling out your daughter e.g making her attend the psychiatrist, whilst the rest of the family don't work on their behaviour.
    Finally, I believe the carrot works far better than the stick and would focus on strategies to make your daughter feel respected, as well as loved and secured. Your current approach could end up with her experiencing long term feelings of being bad and needing punishing.
Reply
  • This is my take on what's happening:

    • Your daughter wanted a bf, having sex with your bf at 14 is pretty standard for many pupils - as such she is following social convention
    • GFs/BFs have shared interests and encourage them in what they do. This is happening, although, not in a conventional way
    • From your reaction to her situation, it appears in close relationships in your family it's normal to behave dysfunctionally e.g shouting to resolve conflict even though this usually makes things worse. So she may see hurting each other to be normal to relationships
    • As the relationship looks in jeopardy, the harder she tries to keep him as she doesn't want to fail at having a bf
    • The interest in death may also be driven by her own internal desires. I tried to kill myself at 14 as it became more evident how different I was to the rest of society
    Many autistic women go through a similiar unhealthy relationship when they are initially exploring their sexuality. They then realise what is happening isn't healthy and then put strategies in place to protect themselves in future. I did. Rather than giving your daughter the freedom to learn from her own experiences you are trying to control her. This tends to create more conflict and will affect your daughter's development as a person.
    As a family, you don't seem to have healthy coping mechanisms, e.g shouting at her, making a huger circus out of the situation by involving the police, not reading widely enough/engaging in workshops to understand this would be something you're likely to encounter and devising a pre-emtive plan of action. It may be beneficial to take a holistic view of this and enrol in family therapy rather than singling out your daughter e.g making her attend the psychiatrist, whilst the rest of the family don't work on their behaviour.
    Finally, I believe the carrot works far better than the stick and would focus on strategies to make your daughter feel respected, as well as loved and secured. Your current approach could end up with her experiencing long term feelings of being bad and needing punishing.
Children