Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
My daughter is not diagnosed with autism but i feel she has significant traits and wonder if anyone can advise.
My daughter is 14 and had been going out with a 14 year old boy, this boy had previously been taking drugs and had tried to kill himself.
They go to the same school and i thought she would be able to manage her own emotions as she is very opinionated . SHe has never been allowed to his house.
It turns out she has been going to his house and having sex with him. I also took her phone and he has told her 3 times to kill her self and so she has been writing to all her friends that she plans to kill herself, in fact she writes it all the time but Denys it when questioned. He has been very horrible in messages to her , abusive even and toxic.
I have contacted the police who in turn will refer to social services and have put some safeguarding in at school.
She has been told that if she contacts him she has to leave the school. He sent her a note she replied. We had a massive blow up and she said she wouldn’t contact him again , on Friday i found a note written to him but not given...she is not sorry , she is destroying our family , my husband is broken and she not a single person believes her to be in the right but she just cant see it.
We have spoken to her , my police friend has spoken to her , my mum , my niece and several teachers at school even her friends but she just cannot see what she is doing is wrong and effects us all.
Every month since she started seeing him she has had a mental breakdown , hysteria ,screaming me having to restrain her as she is always ‘leaving’ hyperventilating etc
She isolates herself and used to spend all her time on her phone. He sent her a link to watch ‘death videos’ and she ended up watching them loads and became obsessed with serial killers.
she has no phone , isn’t allowed to shut her bedroom door , has no access to the internet and is taken and picked up from school , she knows the police and social services are involved but cannot ‘sort herself out’
She has no remorse and all she says is we have taken her things.
She gets very nervous when we shout but ends up with a wall up so i have agreed to not shout but to walk away and it has helped.
Today we went into a charity shop and she asked for 4 bratz dolls and i said ,yeah alright you must be joking but she really wanted them and has played with them all evening ?????? How can this be a kid who had sex and wants to kill herself? She hasn’t played with toys in 4 years.
I have emailed a local psychiatrist to get an appointment asap.
Please someone help me!
Advice on how to help her see things from a different perspective would be great.
Thanks
Jo
This is my take on what's happening:
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
i feel you have made some valid points but are unfair when you say my family are dysfunctional. This has been going on for a year and we are at our wits end .
we haven’t always shouted , we have sat and spoken with her many times and praised her to raise her confidence but she has continuously deceived us and gone behind our back .
the reason I have all agencies involved as she has been writing she planned to kill herself and as a parent if something had happened and I hadn’t exhausted all options well .... also we need support . I am not too proud to accept it , I am not too proud to say I have been wrong , in fact I am sure I have . And when I have been I have explained and apologised to her so she knows I get things wrong sometimes .
i just want my daughter to be safe and happy .
her BF wrote to her all the time telling her he was taking drugs as he knew it hurt her and she would drop everything to see him . Now we have stopped that easy contact to give her time to rebuild herself and see her worth.
believe or not we are not a shouty family , and as I said I am not shouting anymore as she told me she doesn’t like it and I listened to her and have stopped .
i don’t need condemnation about my parenting style I would like advice on how I can change things in order to move forward .
she needs to see a psychiatrist as she is telling people she wants to die .
as a family we have lots to look forward to and I am actively taking her out and doing stuff with her so she is distracted from her negative thoughts for a while and so she can laugh and enjoy.
She has no diagnosis , not that it would change the past but it may make the rest of the family more understanding moving forward and hopefully help her to understand as well.
i Am not offended by your comments .
thanks again for replying
You seem to struggle very much with autistic behaviour and then lash out. I have not condemned you. I gave you my honest opinion in that I don't think your behaviour as a family unit is healthy or 'functional', then I gave the advice I had. You will constantly be hurt by your daughter's actions, and of those on these boards, if you do not take more time to find out about autistics and how we operate.
NAS64104 said:she is destroying our family , my husband is broken and she not a single person believes her to be in the right
As I pointed out earlier, and as you will see from the literature on autistic females, your daughter is not destroying your family. She is having a natural development experience. It is how your family is choosing to react to the situation that is destroying you. For example, making it about right/wrong than developing as a person.
Feeling suicidal doesn't necessarily mean she needs to see a psychiatrist. It may be a normal reaction to what is happening. For example, if she is now noticing how different she is from her peers, discussing this, persuing the AS diagnosis, explaining how there's nothing wrong with being AS, developing her coping strategies and changing your reactions to her AS behaviour may be what she needs. Have you taken the time to sit down with her to create a list of all the different ways this situation (in regards to her suicidal thoughts) could be tackled and then letting her choose what to try first? If a patient has no say in their care, and decisions are made for them but without, then situations like the one you are experiencing, with the blow-ups and the aggression often occurs.
Basically, I think you need to find out more about autism so you become less offended by our natural way of being. Plus, if you took a more selfless approach and made this more about your daughter and what she actually wants, rather than what the family wants as 'they're right and she's wrong' things may become a lot easier.