Partners of people with aspergers

He tells me that I’m stupid and I don’t understand and that I make him worse, he blames me for things that have nothing to do with me and tries to manipulate a lot of things that go wrong for him by turning things round to make it seem like it’s my fault. He can also be extremely aggressive and blames his aspergers on not being able to calm down 

That sounds tough to deal with. Telling you that your stupid and blaming you when things fo wrong isn't because its autistic, they're simply negative personality traits and he's not being very nice,  Suffering extreme emotions can be a part of being autistic but as an adult its his responsibility to learn how to manage this. For example, I use aromatherapy to help calm me. 

I'm ND, so is my brother, neither of us act like that, My dad, who was also ND did. This wasn't due to being autistic but was because he'd grown up in an abusive environment, which had influenced how he reacted.

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To partner0034.I agree with neekby that you both need help. But whilst it is obvious that you are unhappy I would suggest that he is as well. He probably feels unloved unwanted and a nuisance .He probably also feels VERY insecure. This is not necessarily anything to do with aspergers but a normal reaction to the trials of marriage when things are not going so well. Can you still laugh together ? I find this very important.

@partner0034 I was trying to suggest that this sounds more like a relationship issue in which your partner's Asperger's is (probably) a factor but is (probably) not the 'root cause'...

So, some kind of relationship counselling/support for you both may be a better way forward e.g. via Relate or other organisation rather than making it 'about the Asperger's'.

Hope you find a way forward...

You may find the following book useful to develop your knowledge of autism in adults: www.amazon.co.uk/.../1847094457

My initial reaction to your lasagne comment was that you'd gone form one abusive relationship to another. Although you've now deleted your comment (they still come through via email to people who have replied) it was concerning to see how quickly you seemed to lose your temper and become defensive too. People have busy lives and it can often take days for threads to run their course and you were lucky to start receiving replies straight away. Have you considered that you could be holding a lot of anger and display it in unhealthy ways too, so it could be that you attract partners like this to justify your own reactions or to even down play these so you can say 'at least I'm not as volatile as x".

I agree with neekby that it comes across as though you both have your own issues to deal with and need support.

Partner0034 said:

asked him to put a lasagne in the oven for tea, I’d just woken up so I was a little groggy and snappy with him beforehand

Partner0034 said:

threw his hat across the kitchen and walked out and he hasn’t been back since.

He went full MGTOW 

Honestly, I think you BOTH need serious support. It seems there's a lot going on in your relationship and trying to simplify it to "Is this the Asperger's or not?" is probably not the answer.

Honestly, I think you BOTH need serious support. It seems there's a lot going on in your relationship and trying to simplify it to "Is this the Asperger's or not?" is probably not the answer.