Partners of people with aspergers

As far as Im concerned myself and my OH are both Aspie although he wouldn't admit it. I think his obsessive interests are even worse than mine although he communicates better than me

Hi Partner_34,

I believe I have been in a similar position to you in the past (do correct me if you think I am projecting here).

I would guess you are quite a patient person and have been working hard to accommodate/support your ND partner. If your experience is like mine then you have tolerated behaviour from your partner that you would not tolerate from someone NT?

If so, then this puts you in a difficult position, you want to support your partner and account for the behaviour. However, you do not want to be a pushover and you do not want to countenance behaviour that is unpleasant if it is within your partner’s control. Obviously, it is not possible to separate out personality from a neurological condition, so you are struggling to know where to draw the lines?

If I am correct in my assessment then:

First, yes this is a really difficult part of being in a NT-ND relationship, don’t feel like this is just you, I am sure lots of people struggle with this.

Second, as I mentioned earlier, I don’t think you can expect to get a clear answer to your question. What I would suggest is that you be very direct with your partner. Let them know how you feel and make it clear that this behaviour is hurtful to you. It may be a good idea to establish some rules, realistic boundaries for your partner so that they are clear on what behaviour you will tolerate and what behaviour is too much. Obliviously, you will need to come up with these together so that you are able to agree on some that is realistic for both of you.  

I hope this helps.

Is this how or is this still public ?

Hi, I've sent you a friend request as I think that's the way to be able to communicate directly

To neekby. OK OK OK You have told me your BADS.Not that unusual are they .There appear to be many similarities between you and her and me and him.Would like to talk to you without hi jacking 0034's thread  I don't know how to do that. If interested tell me how.

P.S. it could be along engagement if you want but I am already 70 years old and that may be a problem.

To partner0034.I agree with neekby that you both need help. But whilst it is obvious that you are unhappy I would suggest that he is as well. He probably feels unloved unwanted and a nuisance .He probably also feels VERY insecure. This is not necessarily anything to do with aspergers but a normal reaction to the trials of marriage when things are not going so well. Can you still laugh together ? I find this very important.

@partner0034 I was trying to suggest that this sounds more like a relationship issue in which your partner's Asperger's is (probably) a factor but is (probably) not the 'root cause'...

So, some kind of relationship counselling/support for you both may be a better way forward e.g. via Relate or other organisation rather than making it 'about the Asperger's'.

Hope you find a way forward...

You may find the following book useful to develop your knowledge of autism in adults: www.amazon.co.uk/.../1847094457

My initial reaction to your lasagne comment was that you'd gone form one abusive relationship to another. Although you've now deleted your comment (they still come through via email to people who have replied) it was concerning to see how quickly you seemed to lose your temper and become defensive too. People have busy lives and it can often take days for threads to run their course and you were lucky to start receiving replies straight away. Have you considered that you could be holding a lot of anger and display it in unhealthy ways too, so it could be that you attract partners like this to justify your own reactions or to even down play these so you can say 'at least I'm not as volatile as x".

I agree with neekby that it comes across as though you both have your own issues to deal with and need support.

Partner0034 said:

asked him to put a lasagne in the oven for tea, I’d just woken up so I was a little groggy and snappy with him beforehand

Partner0034 said:

threw his hat across the kitchen and walked out and he hasn’t been back since.

He went full MGTOW 

Honestly, I think you BOTH need serious support. It seems there's a lot going on in your relationship and trying to simplify it to "Is this the Asperger's or not?" is probably not the answer.

.

That sounds tough to deal with. Telling you that your stupid and blaming you when things fo wrong isn't because its autistic, they're simply negative personality traits and he's not being very nice,  Suffering extreme emotions can be a part of being autistic but as an adult its his responsibility to learn how to manage this. For example, I use aromatherapy to help calm me. 

I'm ND, so is my brother, neither of us act like that, My dad, who was also ND did. This wasn't due to being autistic but was because he'd grown up in an abusive environment, which had influenced how he reacted.

I’m really struggling to work out whether his behaviour is his aspergers or whether he’s just being horrible if that makes sense 

He tells me that I’m stupid and I don’t understand and that I make him worse, he blames me for things that have nothing to do with me and tries to manipulate a lot of things that go wrong for him by turning things round to make it seem like it’s my fault. He can also be extremely aggressive and blames his aspergers on not being able to calm down 

I'm curious at to thy do you think this issue warrants segregation as in NT vs ND, rather than something many humans experience? As far as I can see aren't these feelings a part of a lot of relationships. I know many people in NT/NT, NT/ND and ND/ND relationships who feel like whatever they do it isn't good enough for their partner at times. Sometimes that's because they are the one being over sensitive or have unrealistic expectations and at other times it can be cos their partner's being unreasonable. 

To partner  0034 you are not forgotten but we will see what drops out. Your problems are not  necessarily just down to aspergers .many marriages are like this where there is no AS / NT   conflict .will contact you again .

LOL! I don't think anyone would describe me as 'lovely'! I'm also:

 - intolerant

 - impatient

 - un-empathetic

 - un-sympathetic

 - easily distracted

 - rude (particularly to her family)

 - constantly chastise/correct her (correct way to pack the dishwasher is a particularly sensitive area)

etc. etc.

So, yeah it's very much 'taking the rough with the smooth'...

You sound lovely will you marry me ?

Possible more serious reply tomorrow !

Well...

- going with her to all the appointments relating to her jugular glomus tumour six years ago, looking out for her through that operation, the subsequent recovery and follow-up operations including making meals that could be pureed without becoming unappealing, sticky goo...

- helping her update her CV and prepare for job interviews on multiple occasions

- 'fixing' spreadsheets, presentations and other things for her work

- being the 'strong' one through the investigation, diagnosis and follow-up of her ectopic heartbeat

- as above for her recent biopsy of a facial mole that was removed

On a more trivial side...

- I do most of the cooking

- I take care of the accounts

- I try to help provide solutions to day-to-day issues she faces at work

etc. etc. etc.

None of which are 'right', 'cos what she usually wants is someone to listen to her and tell her that 'yes, that was a terrible ting for 'X' to say...' or 'No, I can't believe work are treating you like that!'

And simple things like hug her when she is clearly upset (when I can spot it)...

I guess it rather depends on what one means by 'support'?

To neekby In what ways do you support your NT Wife ?