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Hi Partner_34,
I believe I have been in a similar position to you in the past (do correct me if you think I am projecting here).
I would guess you are quite a patient person and have been working hard to accommodate/support your ND partner. If your experience is like mine then you have tolerated behaviour from your partner that you would not tolerate from someone NT?
If so, then this puts you in a difficult position, you want to support your partner and account for the behaviour. However, you do not want to be a pushover and you do not want to countenance behaviour that is unpleasant if it is within your partner’s control. Obviously, it is not possible to separate out personality from a neurological condition, so you are struggling to know where to draw the lines?
If I am correct in my assessment then:
First, yes this is a really difficult part of being in a NT-ND relationship, don’t feel like this is just you, I am sure lots of people struggle with this.
Second, as I mentioned earlier, I don’t think you can expect to get a clear answer to your question. What I would suggest is that you be very direct with your partner. Let them know how you feel and make it clear that this behaviour is hurtful to you. It may be a good idea to establish some rules, realistic boundaries for your partner so that they are clear on what behaviour you will tolerate and what behaviour is too much. Obliviously, you will need to come up with these together so that you are able to agree on some that is realistic for both of you.
I hope this helps.
@partner0034 I was trying to suggest that this sounds more like a relationship issue in which your partner's Asperger's is (probably) a factor but is (probably) not the 'root cause'...
So, some kind of relationship counselling/support for you both may be a better way forward e.g. via Relate or other organisation rather than making it 'about the Asperger's'.
Hope you find a way forward...
You may find the following book useful to develop your knowledge of autism in adults: www.amazon.co.uk/.../1847094457
My initial reaction to your lasagne comment was that you'd gone form one abusive relationship to another. Although you've now deleted your comment (they still come through via email to people who have replied) it was concerning to see how quickly you seemed to lose your temper and become defensive too. People have busy lives and it can often take days for threads to run their course and you were lucky to start receiving replies straight away. Have you considered that you could be holding a lot of anger and display it in unhealthy ways too, so it could be that you attract partners like this to justify your own reactions or to even down play these so you can say 'at least I'm not as volatile as x".
I agree with neekby that it comes across as though you both have your own issues to deal with and need support.
asked him to put a lasagne in the oven for tea, I’d just woken up so I was a little groggy and snappy with him beforehand
threw his hat across the kitchen and walked out and he hasn’t been back since.
He went full MGTOW 
Honestly, I think you BOTH need serious support. It seems there's a lot going on in your relationship and trying to simplify it to "Is this the Asperger's or not?" is probably not the answer.
That sounds tough to deal with. Telling you that your stupid and blaming you when things fo wrong isn't because its autistic, they're simply negative personality traits and he's not being very nice, Suffering extreme emotions can be a part of being autistic but as an adult its his responsibility to learn how to manage this. For example, I use aromatherapy to help calm me.
I'm ND, so is my brother, neither of us act like that, My dad, who was also ND did. This wasn't due to being autistic but was because he'd grown up in an abusive environment, which had influenced how he reacted.
I’m really struggling to work out whether his behaviour is his aspergers or whether he’s just being horrible if that makes sense
He tells me that I’m stupid and I don’t understand and that I make him worse, he blames me for things that have nothing to do with me and tries to manipulate a lot of things that go wrong for him by turning things round to make it seem like it’s my fault. He can also be extremely aggressive and blames his aspergers on not being able to calm down
I'm curious at to thy do you think this issue warrants segregation as in NT vs ND, rather than something many humans experience? As far as I can see aren't these feelings a part of a lot of relationships. I know many people in NT/NT, NT/ND and ND/ND relationships who feel like whatever they do it isn't good enough for their partner at times. Sometimes that's because they are the one being over sensitive or have unrealistic expectations and at other times it can be cos their partner's being unreasonable.
In terms of me as the AS person supporting my wife as the NT one...?
All.the.time.
She confided that I frequently upset her so much she goes off and cries in another room... most of the time I didn't even realise she was that upset.
I (we) as (probably) high-functioning ASD literally 'don't understand her'... but then the reverse is also true - except I don't get upset about it like she does, just usually frustrated... then she gets upset with me...
#aspielife
