Analysis of Test

Hi U4321,

Can I make a suggestion? I suspect that others will have started threads on each of the topics in your document. You might find that they have written stuff that you relate to and you could add to the individual threads if you find things that resonate or that you want to discuss.

The "search the community" box (top left of these forum pages) works fairly well. You have to put phrases in quotes e.g. "parental evidence" if you are trying to find something quite specific.

Again, you have displayed AS tendencies by writing a very long, colour coded document. Your doctors may not have the time or interest to go through so much stuff but they may note the fact that you have written it.

I've written another document. I've tried to summarise all my neurosis, quirks and odd behaviour in as short a space as possible.

It's six pages long. 

But I would love to share it, to see if any one can relate to it?

I just wrote down everything then colour coded it all to highlight everything better, then split it all out into General History, Communication, Interpersonal Interaction, Friendship (of which there's only two points), Sensitivity, Social, Obsessions and Childhood Behaviour.

Any ideas how I can share this? It's too much to past into one post.

Hi Maia,

Autism leads to social isolation, bullying and other traumatic experiences that, in turn, lead to severe mental health issues. I suspect that the suicidal thoughts and other issues were a consequence of the bad mental state that was a consequence of your autism. If you can get some help and become better integrated into the world then your mental health should improve and the suicidal thoughts etc should become less and less frequent.

Did that make sense to you? Are you getting some help that is improving your situation? I agree that most people love their diagnosis - it has unlocked a lot of the puzzles that I was locked into in my life. Suddenly, things make more sense than they did before.

I just looked over the letter I gave the GP. Nothing in there about AS. But I distinctly remember suggesting it. I should have suggested it louder! That's bugging me now. Maybe I should write him another letter!? 

As I begin to take ownership of this, I am beginning to feel much better. 

If you think I've shared a lot here, you should look at the posts I put on PsychForums and WrongPlanet. I thought repeating myself a third time amy have been overkill. If you think Im AS from this small window, just remember, that's only part of it.

You're right, as I go through this, Im starting to look at these things that I do and wonder if they're just quirky or whether they show another side. Walking down the street I was thinking that maybe I've been re-writing things in my head to normalise them. 

I almost had the most honest conversation I've ever had yesterday at Church when someone told me I should set goals to go out walking. I said that's too much stress. I don't mind walking but Im not setting goals and another point of failure. That felt really really good.

What is stimming? I've heard it being referred to as a self stimulatory behaviour, but why would someone who is overstimulated by their senses, stimulate themselves? I've seen it referred to as being something for focus. The amount of things I do, I am beginning to ask "is that stimming, or am I just nervous?". 

One thing I got to ask about, I don't know if this is spectrum related, but I always thought I was a better driver if I had music to listen to. It seemed that my brain didn't wander as much. I could focus more. There were a few times when I didn't have the music on and I had low impact crashes. It's like there was just enough distraction to help me focus.

Tell you what, I'll have a look over everything I posted here, then I'll come back and share everything else in a highly condensed form, and if you want any additional clarification, let me know.

Thank you all. Thank you for being so supportive and encouraging. It's been a wonderful journey so far. Im learning a lot about myself.

Undiagnosed - you could have written your last post on my behalf (or i could have written it for you)!  Amazing similarities.  

I wrote a 13 page letter for 'my' psychologist, and I delivered it in person to reception on Monday. I had my second appointment with her yesterday. I was shocked to find my letter had been lost before she'd even seen it - somewhere between reception and her desk, someone managed to lose it!  Unbelievable, and the whole thing threw me so much our meeting wasn;t much good and so I am getting yet another appointment to make up for it.  At least I now believe she cares (I wasn't sure after the first visit).

Her secretary phoned me later to say they'd found my letter (it had been delivered to the wrong office it seems). So at least she will have read it before we next meet.  I mentioned that it was 13 pages and she wasn;t at all concerned about the length - she said she'd been expecting it and was surprised when nothing arrived, and that she'd bbeen looking forward to reading it.  So, I'd say your 15 pages ought to be fine (but maybe worth cutting it down if it is for your GP - sorry, I can't remember whether it was aimed at your GP or a psychologist - if the latter, leave it as long as you want, I'd say).

You're going to be filled with mixed and confused thoughts, feelings and reactions, everybody gets that at this stage, especially when it's all happening so fast. Please be aware that you're approaching overload, this is a good time to sit back and reflect a little, and let some calm prevail. You are right to mention it to those very close to you, but if you tell anyone at all, please ask them to keep it to themselves, and be sure that you can trust them to. Also, encourage them to leave you alone but instead do their own research if they want to. Any questioning of you right now could easily become very harrasing, especially as you don't yet have answers to give.

This is your personal, private medical information, but please 'get' this, AS is NOT a mental illness. it's who you are, not what you've 'got'. We are different, and as you talk about and research it you'll come to appreciate that we are rare people with some special talents, vulnerabilities and needs. And yes, NTs are dull, lifeless creatures by comparison, they think nothing through, get their opinions from the Sun, and would rather discuss meaningless minutiae than address any serious issue, I've found.

Try to be very very careful about who you share this information with. Some people have shared it freely and willingly, only to find that it has backfired. Some AS people choose not to share it even with their employers. What I'm trying to advise you, strongly, is to default to a non-sharing position, especially whilst you await full assessement. This post would be far too long and boring if I tried to explain why, so try and trust us and our experiences if you can.

Already, you are finding that suddenly, you're starting to make sense of your life so far - that was my experience too, it was like a row of dominoes falling in sequence. The sheer relief was overwhelming for me, I've never really cried through happy relief before in the way that I have since my own revelation. It doesn't make my life much easier, but finally, I'm not alone any more, and that's a huge comfort to me.

As you talk on here, some effects and behaviours of AS that you thought you never had might become apparent, but equally you may find that it doesn't apply to you. It happened for me, often to my astonishment. When I call it a revelation, that's exactly what I mean, but then we're very careful to say exactly what we mean. I can only tell you that everything you're saying makes perfect sense to me and I make intuitive, instant assessments. We're all a different mix, and you'll decide for yourself what affects you, and how - no two of us are ever exactly alike, but our commonalities don't change. You'll come to understand this as we go along.

Patience is a tough one, if the answer's there, I want it NOW, so I struggle with that one too because I don't have any. One of my coping strategies is just to *** and moan about it to myself, and then come on here for some comfort...

You'll probably find that if you go through your document you can cut it down. The chances are that you have various examples of ways you are affected by the same thing. On the other hand, if you're happy that you've captured everything you want to say, leave it as is. It's your document, your truth, and it's yours to present your way. As in all things, you can only say it, what others make of it is up to them, try not to obsess over it. My assessor had read everything before ever I got there, he told me so.

So, my best advice my friend is to sit back a little and give yourself time to assimilate everything that's happened so far. When you're ready, come back and talk about things to come. We're always here

The more I read of your posts, the less doubt I have that are affected by autism.

Your desire for clarity and to have things categorised as true or false fits.

Your use of rules and protocols is classic, normal people develop intuition and we try to get by with laborious rules and 'manual calculations'.

The length of the document is already excessive because a doctor won't have time to sit down and read it but it is indicative of your attention to detail so its existence and detail is evidence of the condition. The content may also be relevant but it may be hard to read and decipher. (Been there and done that myself!)

We often have the urge to tell everyone about it - I did that and probably told too many people - it is very important to you but perhaps not to everyone else. People are not well informed about it and may well react with prejudice and may recoil away from you as a result.

The diagnostic professionals may want to involve your parents because evidence of your behaviour as a child is relevant to distinguishing a lifelong condition like autism from an acquired mental health condition. There are other threads on the forum which have discussed this in depth. You don't have to do anything in preparation now but it may be worth reading around some of those threads for our thoughts on how to handle it.

Have a good day and try to stop doubting yourself and criticising your situation. We can be very critical, of ourselves and others, and it is worth trying to relax a bit and to do more analysis (e.g. of other people and how their minds work) and less wading in with opinions. Whether you get a diagnosis or not won't alter the fact that you are what and who you are and it is harder to change that and fit in with other people's standards than to conform by behaving in ways that aren't natural for you. If you have ever wondered about the nature vs nurture debate then you will find yourself as much more programmed by nature than you might have imagined.

Thanks both. 

I think Im ready to ask those questions of myself. It's what led to me doing this. I just knew I had to do something and started exploring and here I am.

Im still not ready for exposure until I know. I have mentioned something to my sister and a couple of close friends that Im exploring and they're really supportive. A couple of them have even said "I wouldn't be surprised, makes sense". 

The people I dread telling in terms of a diagnosis are my parents. I don't think their attitude towards mental health is particularly good, and I think there will be judgement, disparaging comments, even disbelief.

I don't particularly want to go through it without some degree of certainty. Still the logic inside me said "you don't do x and you don't do y, it can't be. it can't". I still feel a fraud and expect it to come back negative and I'll be a confirmed fake and wasted your time.

Im going to struggle with patience. Im going to need something to obsess about in the meantime.

It's still interesting looking around me at the other normal people and seeing how dull they look almost. They're still, and lifeless. They sit completely still, almost motionless, not fidgeting, not moving, every appendage firmly rooted to the same spot.

If it is AS, why has no one in my history picked up on it? Ever? 

Have I suffered meltdowns? I wouldn't know. I'd like to say no, Im pretty sure I haven't. But then I don't know what they look like, or what they feel like. Same goes for stimming. It's possible I have, but because I don't know them as that, then I don't recognise them as being that.

Do you find you develop different rules and different protocols for the different people and situations in your life and you adjust your behaviour to fit in to each one of them so you find your friends are all compartmentalised and if they ever met each other you would't know which ruleset to follow. 

By the way, how much more can I add to my fifteen page document?

Well done for taking it this far. My earlier comments were based on what you said in your first couple of posts where you didn't mention your depression and anxiety and meds etc. You have far more need to sort things out than I imagined and it is nothing to do with curiosity so you are totally justified in getting diagnosis and other assistance through your GP. A long history of unresolved anxiety and depression is a very common story for people who eventually turn out to have autism issues.

Getting a diagnosis can be unsettling though as it may lead you to ask even more questions about yourself. Have patience and don't expect things to change overnight but diagnosis can be a new beginning. 

Oh, P.S. Just read the post before. Sorry, got a bit excited for you there!

We all find that we have adopted tactics to fit in. What we commonly do is copy a begaviour that seems appropriate to a particular situation, but what we don't know it when it is or isn't innapropriate to use it. If you do that, non-AS people won't say anything, but they'll react with funny looks, gossip and giggles behind your back, sometimes open anger, things like that. If you've ever experienced odd reactions like these, but were confused by them, that's what you'd done at the time. We wouldn't understand that.

So yes, we do difficult-for-us things just to fit in.

And yes, some excessive sensory input IS as simple as stopping it, removing it or removing yourself. In fact, they're your only options sometimes, but when you have no option it can have very unfortunate and unwanted results.

Have you suffered 'meltdowns'?

Brilliant, fantastic and bloody well done to you, that's what I think!

You've done the right thing, and so has your GP. You're right about the comments, I think, because we've heard them so many times. Nevertheless, he has refered you for the first-stage screening, where the psychs will want to be reasonably certain that it's worth putting you forward for a full assessment.

They seem to do this in various ways, but that's another discussion.

When you go for the assessment, it will help to have added to things that you've written down. As you have discovered (and this is common to AS people) when you're sitting in front of someone, you dry up, sound 'evasive' maybe, but you never get across alll the things you practised saying. That's why we encourage you to write it down for them.

The other hard part is the exposure, but that's one you'll have to get ready for, just as you did in facing your GP. But you can do it.

Well done, it took courage to take the first step

Phew. Seen my GP. 

"Everyone's on the Spectrum" and "Almost everyone has some traits". AAAARGH. What are you telling me? Why does that sound like one of those belittling things that validates what you say on one hand, but then belittles with the other hand as if to say, you're making it up. What does he mean? Why didn't I ask him what he means?

I started off with talking about my current medication and then told him about the conversation I've practiced 20 times I still I lose my words, so I gave him the letter instead.

Not exactly sure what the next step is. He's going to refer me to our local mental health team, but he said I have to essentially go through the hoops first, go through the talking and everything else, get to something more akin to psychodynamic therapy - more talkative. Exactly what Im supposed to do with a diagnosis I don't know.

But I've given him all the paper work - the summary, the introduction, the full body of my history, my own review, my tests.

Gah.

He shook my hand though and said well done and acknowledged from what he knows of me over the years, that there is something, that's really caused me some problems.

So step in the right direction. I think. What do you think?

Thanks classic codger.

As I've been exploring this, I have been feeling a sense of freedom, and peace almost. It's like things are falling in to place.

Rhetorical question: Could I have been tolerating things all these years just fit in? Could I have been relabelling feelings and symptoms to make things less intrusive and more tolerable?

Reading your commend on another forum about ear defenders - I'm mostly OK with noise - or so I though, but I notice when I do put my ear defenders on, I immediately feel more relaxed and more in control. It's just wonderful.

Im beginning to feel more in tune with what my mind/body are saying, feeling like Im responding better to the things causing me distress, early days, but cutting that thing out, instantly helps me to feel more at ease. Even something like watching a particular TV program with strobe lights. I feel the tension, turn it off, and instantly relax. Wow. Is is that simple? 

I've got an appointment with my GP this afternoon. I'll let you know how I get on. 

Thank you.

Thank you all.

Hi again. Look, you're being confused by an overload of things to think about. Your confusion is clear, your fear of 'getting it wrong' is obvious, and you're caught in a whirlpool of indecision. Overload and indecision are things that we are often badly affected by.

Diagnosis. There are people on here who are self-diagnosed and are accepted as such - all are welcome. No-one on here is qualified to assess you. Your last three statements above are typical AS, in fact much of what you say is enough for me to tell you to go and get assessed - you are describing my state before diagnosis.

This rubbish about 'managing' gets to me - I 'managed' my life, but no-one ever saw what was going on inside, the energy it took to do it, the sheer torture of my daily existence, whilst all the time thinking that I must be crazy. Couple that with being continually accused of being Bipolar by psychiatrists (because of anxiety, depression, etc, just like you) when I knew for certain that I wasn't, instead of being given the help I so desperately needed...

Daily activities are just exemplar of patterned behaviour, they do not indicate any ability to 'manage'. What happens inside you if something disrupts your daily pattern?

The fact that you are here is telling you everything you need to know - you have 'issues', you've found common ground with AS people, you are telling us things that we readily identify as AS. You DO NOT need to justify yourself in seeking a proper diagnosis, it is an end in itself and you deserve it as much as anyone does, so please please please write everything down that you can't say in person, give it to your GP, and request a referal for assessment, it's a tactic that has worked for others. Stop agonising over it and just do it, I promise you'll feel better.

Don't be afraid. Your truth is your truth, and there is nothing to fear from being honest. I liken trying to work out who you are without a diagnosis, to trying to complete a Roman Arch without a keystone. Go get your keystone.

Did I tell you about my friendship spreadsheet? You just scored another point! :-)

I've seen psychologists off and on over the past 20 years for depression, and anxiety, discussing ocd. Of course, I always come out borderline, so nothings every strong enough to treat.

Does it affect my day to day activities? Not necessarily. I get up, eat, go to work, eat, do more work, go home, eat, sleep. 

But my brain is constantly churning, always working, always going and I feel so much of everything is directed inwards instead of outwards, so Im able to keep a lid on it, like a pressure cooker. I can feel some cracks starting to appear now though.

I guess I could say my issues affect who I am as opposed to what I do, if that makes sense. So much of my energy is spent on functioning and existing that I don't live.

I don't know if that makes sense to me, it sort of does, but I don't think I worked this out enough!

A lot of what you say sounds very familiar - obsessional behaviour, you are afraid of being a fraud (we can be too honest for our own good sometimes). I suspect that you are on the spectrum. :-)

When I first suspected that I was on the spectrum I bought a book by Valerie Gaus (Living Well On The Spectrum) that served two distinct purposes. Firstly it confirmed my suspicions. It contains a lot of stuff that I could relate to. Secondly it provides a very positive approach for dealing with it. None of it requires therapy or support from official agencies. If I wasn't going through great problems at work then I might have been able to just go with it and learn to do things a bit differently and to accept that I am this way and that it is a very hard coded bit of nature in me.

On the other hand your obsessive tendencies and other issues may warrant some help from psychologists and it may be worth pursuing that line with your GP. 

NAS18906 said:

It isn't necessarily so!, but it seems to me that there should be something more than curiosity before you take this step. I think you should be comfortable with identifying yourself as autistic and it shouldn't need to be any more official than that. If you read about it and you can benefit from thinking about yourself as autistic then perhaps that can be enough?

I think this reply applies to me as well, but how do people without an official diagnosis be comfortable with identifying themselves as autistic? 

At this stage, I suspect. I see some traits and can relate to so much to what other people on the spectrum say, while there also seems to be some differences.

Without an official diagnosis, I know I would obsess about that and it would eat me up badly until I find a new obsession. I've already let this affect work in some respects by spending a great period writing up all the history I can remember and then moving it all around to make some kind of linguistic sense, followed by two re-writes. Not to mention all the investigation.

Plus without an official diagnosis, I don't know what kind of path I should be on. I mean, if I am on the spectrum, I might decide to think about how I live my life with a bit more rigidity, perhaps have more of a structure, more routine, perhaps it explains why Im unhappy in my job in a problem solving role and growing wearier by the day. I could find something that suits me and my needs better.

But what if I do those things, and Im not on the spectrum? Then I'll have messed things up. 

Without a diagnosis, I would also feel a fraud. Im just not comfortable with self diagnosis.

I'd be happy to go private if that would be a better route. I just don't know where to turn. Im not after treatment or anything when there are so many resources and information on the internet. Just after a diagnosis - whatever it might be.

No, the criteria for seeking a diagnosis is purely because you are entitled to an assessment if you think you're on the spectrum. Of course, it helps if you have some medical history of 'problems', but only as part of any supporting evidence in much the same way as an AQ test can be supportive.

My experience of diagnosis has been great, it's made a huge difference to me and helped me to understand who I am. However, it also gives you a great responsibility to 'own' your diagnosis, and as you can see, not everyone has the willingness or capacity to do so.

This decsision can only be yours, AS people report a huge range of experiences, both before and after, and you cannot take anyone's experience as being in any way definitive of what it may or may not mean to you. However, it seems that most people are glad to finaly have answers that have eluded them all their lives, and I certainly support and encourage anyone in seeking their own answers.

You most certainly are NOT wasting anyone's time, far from it, and I am glad to see that you are positive about getting one and what it might mean for you. Personaly, I agree, so don't feel bad or that your 'wasting' anything - we often feel that way, and despite its' not being true, often proves a barrier. You can climb over a barrier, so get climbing my friend, we're your climbing buddies!

Technophobe23 said:

Can I ask why you are going to your GP? Do you need help with anxiety, depression or some other health issue or are you struggling to get or keep a job? Getting a diagnosis means matching the diagnostic criteria but also having enough of a problem to require some sort of treatment (either from the NHS or special consideration from employers or society at large)