No enjoyment from socialising

I prefer texting too but also found out that other neurotypical people don’t like texting that much and if you send them big paragraphs even old friends (I would never do this with someone I’ve just met) they don’t seem to like it. Maybe it’s a disclaimer I need to put on my badge- if you don’t want to engage in big texty conversations please let me know clearly and not just blank me

I am totally the same as you, I prefer quiet company with a singular friend - I do go out with a small group for coffee , maybe 4 people maximum but these people are also neurologically diverse and fairly reserved themselves which helps and we don’t do it that often. Since I got bullied and forced into a Burnout I’ve massively reduced my friend circle and pretty much only see family now. I don’t know if I will get back to a point where I want many friends or how I will find any new ones as I have quite bad social anxiety and still feel too mentally exhausted from mixing with people. I was wondering if it was to do with the mind blindness thing that comes with autism because we all spend a lot of time trying to figure out how things are being said, secret phrases we don’t know how they are inferred etc or always understanding how different people feel about different things without being specifically told.

Like you, I am also Gen X. Up until my forties, I really enjoyed socialising providing I was never with more than one friend at a time. I would regularly visit close friends and stay for several hours, or else they would visit me. Sometimes this would happen more than once a week. I felt like I could be myself with my friends, and found that I often felt energised after spending time in their company.

During my forties, my health went downhill. I no longer had the energy to get out and about like I had previously, which in turn affected my friendships. My social life now consists of exchanging online correspondence with a couple of close friends who live too far away for me to see. Whilst I appreciate having them in my life and have known them both for about forty years, it's not the same as spending quality time in the company of a close friend.

I question if men in general have less of a need for close friends, or less of a need to spend time with close friends on a frequent basis.

This is exactly how I feel now, partly because If I forced myself to do things like other people I would know that I am masking.It can feel at times like I have run out of things to do. 

Yeah I can imagine that because I've struggled in the same way.

It's sad because I do want to connect but I find it so hard sometimes.

Maybe part of me is coming to terms with the reality of being autistic. Some things are going to be beyond my reach.

I think alcohol is becoming unaffordable for young people, maybe with the high prices of rent and tutition fees? I've seen increasing articles written that say young people just hang out online most of the time at home. So all the night clubs are going out of business.

I don't drink, maybe a small glass of wine at christmas. It just doesn't hold the same appeal to me as coffee (decaf), or a nice cup of tea -we have a pot and use loose leaf bought online to get a good beverage, though the clipper bags are a good back up.

One of my favourite memeories at Uni was me and one of my flatmates before we fell out, used to get pecan twist pastries and a cup of tea and just sit in the kitchen. Now that is socialising at it's best. (and I was about 19-20 at this time)

I've noticed that the younger generations are much less alcohol focused than the older ones. Lots of them don't drink, and it's less presumed that everyone does. 

Really good point and I agree. Relying on seeing and understanding social cues helps me with my socialising in person, not that I always get it right but it does help. Phone calls are horrible to get through, I try to avoid them at all costs.

Texting is my preferred mode of communication, too. Interestingly, I actually find talking on the phone more draining than talking in person, probably because I don’t have the benefit of body language to help with social cues?

I've had some quite angry respnses from men of my age when I say I don't drink, but I supposed they were the same men who'd slip a vodka into your orange juice when I was a teenager. I don't understand the hostility towards not drinking. I just wish pubs and restauarants made more of an effort with non alcoholic drinks.

I’m glad you enjoy socialising. I have read some articles about ‘autistic people and socialising’ that state it isn’t the socialising itself that some people don’t like, it’s the exhaustion and burnout that can come with it. 

I really struggle with this too, finding a gap in a conversation. I have kind of given up, and if there are people talking, I don't approach (school gates situation), as I find it nigh on impossible and feel like I am just eaves dropping by listening but being unable to add anything. Sometimes others invite you into the conversation, by noticing and saying, 'how are you', this is the only way I can do it. 

I can approach and make small talk, but it quickly runs out unless other people are in the mood to talk more about their day.

I used to call myself a good listener, but now I know it's mainly I let others lead conversation if there is going to be any, otherwise I'll just say something and it feels awkward.

I enjoy socialising but find it tiring. After a 2 min conversation I feel like I just ran a marathon. I prefer socialising by texting or writing with pen and paper. Actual talking is overwhelming for me. I don't think I'm that good at it but I try.

I think it can be quite common among autistic people, but I don’t know of non-autistic people who have the same difficulty. I have been told that autistic people process conversations in their brains differently. It takes longer for us to hear and then process and respond to what somebody says. 

I usually think I hear what other people are saying perfectly well, but I can’t detect a gap in which to respond, but maybe others do. I am yet to be fully convinced that there always is a gap. I always thought people just weren’t interested in what I had to say, but maybe that’s not the whole story. 

Interestingly, this issue is not one that comes up on this forum much. Yet I had been under the impression that it would be common. It certainly it caused me distress in adolescence and young adulthood, before I knew I was autistic. I bought books on the topic of the art of conversation and practiced for hours, but it didn’t help much with that aspect. 

That's lovely. If think if you feel relaxed with them, that would make a big difference, if you are comfortable being you around them, then you'd have no reason to be tired, and would get a boost instead!

I find that this is where I differ from a lot of autistic folks. I do find socialising tiring but ultimately I love it and find it enriching. I have a small group of friends and we don’t meet up too often due to life stuff. But I get so excited when I have plans with them and mainly feel positive about it. However, I don’t like other forms of socialising like small talk with colleagues or strangers. 

The Kennis twins are brilliant. it must take great knowledge of anatomy to do that, as well as palaeontological context and artistic skill.

I saw a news item recently about the discovery of the oldest known black person in Britain who had been reconstructed in either 3D or 2D,  I can’t remember the details. But it turns out she was probably white and her DNA was not of African origin.

ArchaeC said:

I don’t understand how other people are able to interject in a conversation involving more than three people.

I have this problem.

I wait and wait and then when I think it's time to strike I end up talking at the same time as someone else, then I lose hope and just sit quietly.

Do you think it happens to NT too.?

I find socialising very tiring but only once I have left the situation does it hit me, my mind also goes completely blank in social situations requiring small talk.

ArchaeC said:

I’m going to treat myself to some champagne for Christmas Day, the only time I buy it.

Yes, me too! I also love spumante especially rose. I also buy it on my new birthday [as my childhood was not happy, I changed the date of my birthday. Well, the Queen has two, so I ought to have mine when I want it!