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No enjoyment from socialising

whomper

I was wondering how other people felt about socialising.

It took me a long time to accept that I get absolutely no enjoyment from socialising. When I was younger, and desperately trying to fit in, I did it much more. My means of being able to engage with other people was to drink - I'm a Gen Xer, and we drank quite heavily, so no one really noticed. Luckily, I never got addicted, and when I began drinking less I found it near impossible to socialise. Not because I'm completely incapable of talking to other people (although it can be very tiring), but just because at best it's just a bit of a distraction and I'd rather be elsewhere.

It's probably the reason why I don't have any friends other than my wife, but really value the passing conversations with other people in my village when out walking the dog. 

During my autism assessment I mentioned that I get no pleasure from socialising, and I was told that it's something they hear quite often. I can turn up out of duty for family events and things when required, but otherwise, I'm very content with my books, music, podcasts, and walks with my wife. Compulsory events are very draining and throw me out of kilter for weeks before and for a few days after.

How do other people feel about socialising?

Parents

  • I enjoy socialising for short periods of time if the focus is a meal, event or activity. I don’t understand how other people are able to interject in a conversation involving more than three people. When I have tried to do that I’m either ignored or told not to interrupt. I can’t actually detect an appropriate gap in which to say something in large groups—it’s a mystery.

    I have a few friends but I usually meet only one friend at a time. I enjoy sharing the experience of walking our dogs, and sometimes finishing with a coffee or something to eat. At the same time, I enjoy being on my own and having lots of time to do my own thing.

  • in reply to ArchaeC
    ArchaeC said:
    I don’t understand how other people are able to interject in a conversation involving more than three people.

    I have this problem.

    I wait and wait and then when I think it's time to strike I end up talking at the same time as someone else, then I lose hope and just sit quietly.

    Do you think it happens to NT too.?

  • in reply to Lonehare12

    I think it can be quite common among autistic people, but I don’t know of non-autistic people who have the same difficulty. I have been told that autistic people process conversations in their brains differently. It takes longer for us to hear and then process and respond to what somebody says. 

    I usually think I hear what other people are saying perfectly well, but I can’t detect a gap in which to respond, but maybe others do. I am yet to be fully convinced that there always is a gap. I always thought people just weren’t interested in what I had to say, but maybe that’s not the whole story. 

    Interestingly, this issue is not one that comes up on this forum much. Yet I had been under the impression that it would be common. It certainly it caused me distress in adolescence and young adulthood, before I knew I was autistic. I bought books on the topic of the art of conversation and practiced for hours, but it didn’t help much with that aspect. 

  • in reply to Lonehare12

    This is exactly how I feel now, partly because If I forced myself to do things like other people I would know that I am masking.It can feel at times like I have run out of things to do. 

  • in reply to ArchaeC

    Yeah I can imagine that because I've struggled in the same way.

    It's sad because I do want to connect but I find it so hard sometimes.

    Maybe part of me is coming to terms with the reality of being autistic. Some things are going to be beyond my reach.

  • in reply to ArchaeC

    I really struggle with this too, finding a gap in a conversation. I have kind of given up, and if there are people talking, I don't approach (school gates situation), as I find it nigh on impossible and feel like I am just eaves dropping by listening but being unable to add anything. Sometimes others invite you into the conversation, by noticing and saying, 'how are you', this is the only way I can do it. 

    I can approach and make small talk, but it quickly runs out unless other people are in the mood to talk more about their day.

    I used to call myself a good listener, but now I know it's mainly I let others lead conversation if there is going to be any, otherwise I'll just say something and it feels awkward.

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  • in reply to ArchaeC

    I really struggle with this too, finding a gap in a conversation. I have kind of given up, and if there are people talking, I don't approach (school gates situation), as I find it nigh on impossible and feel like I am just eaves dropping by listening but being unable to add anything. Sometimes others invite you into the conversation, by noticing and saying, 'how are you', this is the only way I can do it. 

    I can approach and make small talk, but it quickly runs out unless other people are in the mood to talk more about their day.

    I used to call myself a good listener, but now I know it's mainly I let others lead conversation if there is going to be any, otherwise I'll just say something and it feels awkward.

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