Here's a "heavy" point to discuss. "Misunderstandings are a primary source of trauma in autism."

 Phased  Thankyou, i have been constantly judged throughout my life for ' violating social norms' - people ( even family) can be so conceited and arrogant.

I was about 20 years old, it was decades ago. 

I suspect that may indeed be the situation JAX43 .

Such insight may be helpful to understand oneself. 

Focus on oneself as being the problem is part of it yes.

I think the trickiest thing I deal with personally is violating social norms - especially when I am stressed and overloaded.  This is a major cause of rejection as I can understand it.

The practicalities of interacting with people who do not share that understanding are likely, in my experience, to remain problematic.

There is an extra sensitivity that one develops from being repeatedly rejected that one also develops - leading to a somewhat self-reinforcing problem perhaps.

I think it also worth commenting that I personally struggle (perhaps like many other autistic people) with "intuition" as a guide as to what might be taking place in a social situation.  This can perhaps lead to concerns as to whether one can place trust in the other person or to model reasonably what their predictable behaviour might be like.

Confidence and positive self-regard are closely linked.  They are really important for well being and that nebulous concept "development".  They also have a role in how we get on with other people.  

Finding an environment that nurtures confidence and positive self-regard is important for autistic people I think.

 Phased  I now understand why ( in relationships) i get told i'm self focussed as if it is a fault! They just don't know how it is to live constantly trying to work out how not to be rejected. 

I relate somewhat too - i find  asking questions hard to navigate for fear of being intrusive. Though i keep trying (when ive the social energy for it) because I know asking questions can aide deeper connections. Also - I enjoy being asked a good question by someone Im enjoying getting to know or im close to. As im newly diagnosed im wondering how my behaviour may change around asking questions / not asking as much!

 McFrost  me too. I actually feel physically ill trying to ask a question when i think i won't resonate with the answer - i guess that's because i know that only high masking would get me through the conversation without offending the other person and that is like walking in a minefield.

This is why I have trouble with asking questions of people. The acceptable stuff to ask is painfully boring and the interesting stuff just seems intrusive. I could find out what sort of thing they are interested in and, if we align on that, we have something to talk about, but if their interests are boring to me, then I have to pretend to be interested which I am really bad at. It's easier to just not talk to people!

 McFrost i get that, it feels like the other person is gathering information rather than taking an interest which makes me feel uncomfotable on many levels.

 "I'm going to do a bit of reading, how about you?"

That is so hard for me to remember to do, because I am not interested in what the other person is doing later. Not because I am not interested in, or dislike that person, but what they are doing later is so irrelevant. What does it matter? I doubt that what I am doing later matters much to them really either, but still they have this urge to ask. They have this bit of programming that I just didn't get, but if I don't mirror their interest I seem, to them, like an arsehole!

 lotus  i totally resonate with your experience.

I feel so sad to hear how we have all experienced the trauma of being hurt as a repurcussion of misunderstandings around our nature as autistic individuals. I'm grateful for this chance to hear others stories, i think it's good for us to share our experience in a safe place , it makes things less confusing for me. Anyone else feel the same?

You are welcome

Wow I’m sorry to hear that. When did you get “treated” with this tranquilliser?

 Lotus  i've just had this post come up as i asked a question about misunderstandings and i've found your writing very helpful so just wanted to say thanks.x

"it's not just the double empathy problem"

I agree totally with you about a third empathy issue  Lotus .

This, in my experience, relates to how an autistic person who has internalised an ablest perspective can understand and empathise with them-self better.  Perhaps this is what is meant by seeking to be "authentic" with oneself.

Thanks for sharing and helping :-)

Phased said:

wonder if it's alright if I gentle nudge discussion to skills and strategies to head off damaging misunderstandings off and help heal the trauma in such circumstances

Firstly as I haven't yet participated in this discussion, I just want to add that in my case it's not just the double empathy problem, it's also that I misunderstood myself for 50 years.

Through my younger years I watched people, listened, tried to copy the "right" behaviour. Later in my working years I tried to fit in, tried to improve myself in the hope that others would like and respect me. I became someone I wasn't. When I discovered that I was on the spectrum I first had to learn who I really was.

So what can we do?

In my experience, I realised a few years ago that allistic people sometimes don't mean what they say, or they say things in a way that confused me. So I started asking for clarification. Sometimes to the person themselves, such as "sorry, do you mean xxxx?" and sometimes asking someone else "X said this, but I'm not sure if they were being rude or if I've misunderstood them?"

When I was working I also tried to drop things into conversation now and again about certain things I do, or the way I think or feel about certain stuff, that this is because I'm on the autism spectrum - not in a self-aggrandising way, just matter of fact, to try to plant new ideas in people's minds about what autism really is, rather than the stereotypes they may have picked up, to help them understand us.

Another thing I tried to do was to stop talking about something for too long or oversharing. So if someone asks "what are you doing later?" In the past I might have said "I'm going to read some more of my book, it's about....." With a long monologue describing the plot. Now I try to remember to pass the conversation back, so I'll say "I'm going to do a bit of reading, how about you?" 

Now I'm retired, most of the time I don't see anyone except my partner and I'm probably the most content I've ever been in my life. My view is that if friendships/relationships are causing either party to feel bad, what's the point? Sometimes we can try to keep it going out of a sense of guilt or a worry about being judged, but we are the only ones that can change our lives and it really doesn't matter what others think. 

Finally, I think that this forum is a valuable resource to help us feel less "different" and accepted, and to know that we are not alone in the way we think. That's very valuable .

Thanks for the response and discussion good people

So, there seems to be a general response to the post in agreement with the statement that misunderstandings are a primary source of trauma in autism.

It has proved to be a "heavy" topic and for full disclosure it comes about because, yep you've probably guessed it - me too!

The "double empathy problem" of Dr Damian Milton The double empathy problem perhaps provides a framework for explaining it.

From more than a couple of thousand years ago Plato kind-off describes a similar thing of one side of the problem (i.e. autistics) "seeing the light" of the double empathy explanation however stops short of offering a solution to it.  Allegory of the cave - Wikipedia

We've probably all felt broken by this experience.  Maybe some of us have been able to do a similar trick for ourselves and others to the Japanese art of Netsuke where broken ceramics are beautifully mended and the mends make the item even more treasured.  Maybe we all sense that the "fault" lines are still present tho...

So, I wonder if it's alright if I gentle nudge discussion to skills and strategies to head off damaging misunderstandings off and help heal the trauma in such circumstances?

I am tempted to do the neurotypical thing and say "asking for a friend".  Hehe in truth I'm asking because I would like more help in this direction myself and maybe there are other autistic friends out there in similar circumstances...

Thoughts on this as well good people?

I wonder if stuff stays with you because it's unresolved and often seems to come out of nowhere? I've had a few situations like that, it's like others have constructed this narrative around me and have tried to force me into it and then I go and act out of "character" and break the narrative. Thats when everyone turns on me and everything goes to hell, I don't know what I'm supposed to have done, or not done and nobody can/will tell me and there seems nothing I can do but curl up in a ball and lick my wounds. I don't think these wounds ever properly heal because there's no closure, because you never know the cause.

Misunderstandings are very distressing to me. It's bad if I'm the one who has misunderstood someone else, but the most traumatic for me is when I'm the one being misunderstood because I don't know how to deal with it or correct it, and any attempt to do so usually makes the situation worse. There are so many instances I can recall, stuff like that stays with me, and unfortunately at the time I didn't have a clue that I was autistic so I was just seen as crazy or a problem.

"Do you mean the autistic person not understanding or the neurotypicals not understanding."

I believe it goes both ways. Niori 

yep it is ironic isn't it! :-)