Thoughts on this good people? :-)
Thoughts on this good people? :-)
wonder if it's alright if I gentle nudge discussion to skills and strategies to head off damaging misunderstandings off and help heal the trauma in such circumstances
Firstly as I haven't yet participated in this discussion, I just want to add that in my case it's not just the double empathy problem, it's also that I misunderstood myself for 50 years.
Through my younger years I watched people, listened, tried to copy the "right" behaviour. Later in my working years I tried to fit in, tried to improve myself in the hope that others would like and respect me. I became someone I wasn't. When I discovered that I was on the spectrum I first had to learn who I really was.
So what can we do?
In my experience, I realised a few years ago that allistic people sometimes don't mean what they say, or they say things in a way that confused me. So I started asking for clarification. Sometimes to the person themselves, such as "sorry, do you mean xxxx?" and sometimes asking someone else "X said this, but I'm not sure if they were being rude or if I've misunderstood them?"
When I was working I also tried to drop things into conversation now and again about certain things I do, or the way I think or feel about certain stuff, that this is because I'm on the autism spectrum - not in a self-aggrandising way, just matter of fact, to try to plant new ideas in people's minds about what autism really is, rather than the stereotypes they may have picked up, to help them understand us.
Another thing I tried to do was to stop talking about something for too long or oversharing. So if someone asks "what are you doing later?" In the past I might have said "I'm going to read some more of my book, it's about....." With a long monologue describing the plot. Now I try to remember to pass the conversation back, so I'll say "I'm going to do a bit of reading, how about you?"
Now I'm retired, most of the time I don't see anyone except my partner and I'm probably the most content I've ever been in my life. My view is that if friendships/relationships are causing either party to feel bad, what's the point? Sometimes we can try to keep it going out of a sense of guilt or a worry about being judged, but we are the only ones that can change our lives and it really doesn't matter what others think.
Finally, I think that this forum is a valuable resource to help us feel less "different" and accepted, and to know that we are not alone in the way we think. That's very valuable .
"I'm going to do a bit of reading, how about you?"
That is so hard for me to remember to do, because I am not interested in what the other person is doing later. Not because I am not interested in, or dislike that person, but what they are doing later is so irrelevant. What does it matter? I doubt that what I am doing later matters much to them really either, but still they have this urge to ask. They have this bit of programming that I just didn't get, but if I don't mirror their interest I seem, to them, like an arsehole!
I relate somewhat too - i find asking questions hard to navigate for fear of being intrusive. Though i keep trying (when ive the social energy for it) because I know asking questions can aide deeper connections. Also - I enjoy being asked a good question by someone Im enjoying getting to know or im close to. As im newly diagnosed im wondering how my behaviour may change around asking questions / not asking as much!
McFrost me too. I actually feel physically ill trying to ask a question when i think i won't resonate with the answer - i guess that's because i know that only high masking would get me through the conversation without offending the other person and that is like walking in a minefield.
This is why I have trouble with asking questions of people. The acceptable stuff to ask is painfully boring and the interesting stuff just seems intrusive. I could find out what sort of thing they are interested in and, if we align on that, we have something to talk about, but if their interests are boring to me, then I have to pretend to be interested which I am really bad at. It's easier to just not talk to people!
