Thoughts on this good people? :-)
Thoughts on this good people? :-)
wonder if it's alright if I gentle nudge discussion to skills and strategies to head off damaging misunderstandings off and help heal the trauma in such circumstances
Firstly as I haven't yet participated in this discussion, I just want to add that in my case it's not just the double empathy problem, it's also that I misunderstood myself for 50 years.
Through my younger years I watched people, listened, tried to copy the "right" behaviour. Later in my working years I tried to fit in, tried to improve myself in the hope that others would like and respect me. I became someone I wasn't. When I discovered that I was on the spectrum I first had to learn who I really was.
So what can we do?
In my experience, I realised a few years ago that allistic people sometimes don't mean what they say, or they say things in a way that confused me. So I started asking for clarification. Sometimes to the person themselves, such as "sorry, do you mean xxxx?" and sometimes asking someone else "X said this, but I'm not sure if they were being rude or if I've misunderstood them?"
When I was working I also tried to drop things into conversation now and again about certain things I do, or the way I think or feel about certain stuff, that this is because I'm on the autism spectrum - not in a self-aggrandising way, just matter of fact, to try to plant new ideas in people's minds about what autism really is, rather than the stereotypes they may have picked up, to help them understand us.
Another thing I tried to do was to stop talking about something for too long or oversharing. So if someone asks "what are you doing later?" In the past I might have said "I'm going to read some more of my book, it's about....." With a long monologue describing the plot. Now I try to remember to pass the conversation back, so I'll say "I'm going to do a bit of reading, how about you?"
Now I'm retired, most of the time I don't see anyone except my partner and I'm probably the most content I've ever been in my life. My view is that if friendships/relationships are causing either party to feel bad, what's the point? Sometimes we can try to keep it going out of a sense of guilt or a worry about being judged, but we are the only ones that can change our lives and it really doesn't matter what others think.
Finally, I think that this forum is a valuable resource to help us feel less "different" and accepted, and to know that we are not alone in the way we think. That's very valuable .
wonder if it's alright if I gentle nudge discussion to skills and strategies to head off damaging misunderstandings off and help heal the trauma in such circumstances
Firstly as I haven't yet participated in this discussion, I just want to add that in my case it's not just the double empathy problem, it's also that I misunderstood myself for 50 years.
Through my younger years I watched people, listened, tried to copy the "right" behaviour. Later in my working years I tried to fit in, tried to improve myself in the hope that others would like and respect me. I became someone I wasn't. When I discovered that I was on the spectrum I first had to learn who I really was.
So what can we do?
In my experience, I realised a few years ago that allistic people sometimes don't mean what they say, or they say things in a way that confused me. So I started asking for clarification. Sometimes to the person themselves, such as "sorry, do you mean xxxx?" and sometimes asking someone else "X said this, but I'm not sure if they were being rude or if I've misunderstood them?"
When I was working I also tried to drop things into conversation now and again about certain things I do, or the way I think or feel about certain stuff, that this is because I'm on the autism spectrum - not in a self-aggrandising way, just matter of fact, to try to plant new ideas in people's minds about what autism really is, rather than the stereotypes they may have picked up, to help them understand us.
Another thing I tried to do was to stop talking about something for too long or oversharing. So if someone asks "what are you doing later?" In the past I might have said "I'm going to read some more of my book, it's about....." With a long monologue describing the plot. Now I try to remember to pass the conversation back, so I'll say "I'm going to do a bit of reading, how about you?"
Now I'm retired, most of the time I don't see anyone except my partner and I'm probably the most content I've ever been in my life. My view is that if friendships/relationships are causing either party to feel bad, what's the point? Sometimes we can try to keep it going out of a sense of guilt or a worry about being judged, but we are the only ones that can change our lives and it really doesn't matter what others think.
Finally, I think that this forum is a valuable resource to help us feel less "different" and accepted, and to know that we are not alone in the way we think. That's very valuable .
"it's not just the double empathy problem"
I agree totally with you about a third empathy issue Lotus .
This, in my experience, relates to how an autistic person who has internalised an ablest perspective can understand and empathise with them-self better. Perhaps this is what is meant by seeking to be "authentic" with oneself.
Thanks for sharing and helping :-)
