Lost the will to carry on

On New Year's Eve 2024, I vowed I would never say "next year has gotta be better. The only way is up!" It's the sort of thing people tend to say to get with the optimistic spirit of the new year.

So, I didn't say it, because it rarely is. I thought it would be good karma not to say it this time around.

2025 has, so far, been the worst f***ing year of my entire life! I have finally lost the will to carry on. I have precious few people I can confide in. I feel cut off from family. I am going through a divorce that involves my adult step-kids (who I git along wonderfully with before) turning their backs on me. I am still having to live with an estranged wife who hates my guts. I can feel my health rapidly deteriorating. I'm losing weight, smoking more and have dreadful headaches and a general woozy feeling.

I'm even wishing a heart attack or stroke upon myself, just so that people notice the sheer stress and emotional pain I'm under. It's hard to face another day because I know it's more of the same, only with less willpower and strength than the day before.

I long to go to sleep and hope I don't wake up.

  • RoflThumbsup

    Yes, I am in a better mind state, but it's taking a bit of time. I'm sure it will. I had an idea to apply for a job on the council. Especially,  If I can work in the park. My happy place. So, fingers crossed on that. Earning money and loving the work (although I'd expect to be busy enough) would be a positivity boost.

    Thanks for asking. I appreciate it deeply WinkThumbsupHeart

  • Hello, Gordon-not-Ramsay!

    This is an old thread, but just here to check in and see if you're doing okay. I drank a coffee in your honor a week ago, and promptly spat it out (apologies—I tried, but coffee and I are just not pals).

    love,

    Max

  • Things are crap again today. I feel I am failing my sons because they get no input from me, and they have hardly spoken to me.

    I've sorted my UC claim. I get paid next week. My wife can have the lot! I'm past caring. I'm losing my mind slowly and I just want to crawl into a dark place and rot.

    I never wanted to say this but I am beginning to feel hatred towards my wife. I am so bitter about the whole situation, I want to get as far away from her as possible!

  • WinkHeartThumbsup (I hope that's not decaff LOL. Thank you)

  • Thank you. All these words do bring comfort and give me the will to continue WinkHeartThumbsup

  • Everything kinda went to pot this morning. My self-esteem is down by my knees again.

    But, I'm used to the ups and downs of life. There will be an upturn again soon. It is a nice day outside.

    To quote comedian Bill Hicks: ITS JUST A RIDE! WinkHeartThumbsup

  • Hi Gordon-not-Ramsey,

    Thank you for updating us that you are feeling brighter today.

    Thank you for posting last night and telling the community what you were going through. We are sorry to hear that you were experiencing feelings of not wanting to go on. It is good that you’ve let us know how you felt. Many people have
    similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.

    If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support
    The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. We advise you to contact 999 or any of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page if you are at risk of immediate harm: www.autism.org.uk/.../urgent-help

    If you are not at immediate risk of harm, we would encourage you to speak to your GP
    or another health professional about this if you haven’t done so already. If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service: www.nhs.uk/.../

    You may also find the following useful:
    Help for anyone struggling to cope
    • Samaritans: Call 116 123 for free, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
    • Mind Infoline: 0300 1233393 for information and signposting (9am to 6pm,
    Monday to Friday)
    • SANEline: 0300 304 7000 for anyone experiencing a mental health problem or
    supporting someone else (4.30pm to 10.30pm, every day)
    • Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM): for men 0800 58 58 58, (5pm to
    midnight every day).
    • Shout 85258: a free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging support service for anyone
    struggling to cope.
    We hope this is helpful to you.
    Kind regards
    Olivia Mod

  • Sorry about your experience but happy you are doing better than the first post. I share some of your relationship experiences so understand how challenging it can be. You’re not alone but please try and take care of yourself. Once you get through this difficult chapter you can hopefully make a new start. 

    All the best

  • Awesome job. We're proud of you, and keep it up.

    Love,

    Max Coffee

  • Thank you Lotus.

    Any benefits I recieve have been tied to my wife's UC claim. I will be fixing that soon enough.

    I don't work. I've had a bad back and depression, but I really want to get back into employment. It would save my brain from going ten to the dozen if I could occupy my time in a more productive way.

    As for my GP, I don't have a specific doctor I see each time. My surgery chops and changes all the time, and they are pretty crap, tbh (I guess they only work with the outmoded tools they're given). However, an appointment might be on the cards I think.

    Again, thank you for words of encouragement. I've had a few of those now, and you're all lovely people. WinkHeartThumbsup

  • Update: a little more chipper today.

    I woke up this morning, went to the bathroom. My face looked like a bag of spanners! Asked my wife politely for some money for cigarettes (she obliged) and headed off to see where was open.

    My nearest supermarket is Asda, but I thought I'd venture a litte further, to Morrisons. Glad I did: refillables on coffee, a free doughnut and scrambled egg on toast! Just over £6! That would get me one Americano from Costa!

    Where we lived previously, we had Morrisons much closer to home. My nephew used to work there, and my brother and mum would have breakfast there, before shopping (It has since been demolished and, as far as i know, it has remained nothing but a concrere wasteland.)

    There was a running joke with my mum about breakfasts. One day, she and my brother walked to Morrisons. She must've been hankering for sausage on this particular day (no dirty jokes please). As they awaited their food, mum went to get cutlery and accidentally bumped into someone carrying a drink. Instead of the default "oops, sorry", my mum said "oops, sausage." She recounted the story to us and we were howling with laughter.

    I remember this now with fondness and sadness. I wonder what she'd say about me predicament I'm in now, if she were alive today.

    I know what I would say: Mum, I love you and I am very, very sausage WinkHeartThumbsup

  • I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. 

    Why do you not have any money? If you aren't working, can you claim unemployment benefit? Maybe you could speak to someone at citizens advice to see what you are entitled to?

    I would also suggest you speak to your GP as they can prescribe medication to help you through this difficult period, if you are open to that.

    Take care and good luck.

  • That does sound truly awful - home is supposed to be your safe sanctuary where you can go to rest, relax and enjoy some down time. 

    It sounds like the relationship has just turned toxic, which sometimes does happen when feelings for each other are lost. It often gets replaced by bitterness, being irritated at the sight of each other, and anything one does annoys the other. It could also be that youre experiencing emotional abuse - though only you can know that. It really does sound like you both need to live apart and get some space from each other, even if It is just every now and again.. walking around for 7 hours is not reasonable or fair on you though. 

    The stuff you said about things you did - the good thing is you have acknowledged it. We humans aren't perfect, but recognising when we've done something and then doing something to change and be better shows a lot of strength. At the same time, it doesn't help to repeatly blame yourself though, if you are doing that. :/ self-kindness helps you move forward rather than getting stuck on what went wrong.

    If there's no one who can offer you a space at their house for a bit, there are wellbeing sanctuary areas in some places. You go and get a cuppa and chat to someone and stay for a bit and they can tell you support is available. I also know of services called care navigators/link workers who know all of the local supports available and can help you get them - usually they're accessed through your GP and sometimes through a local social prescribing service. 

  • Hang in there! Until your assessment date you can find out more about autism and get to know your self better. And things will get smoother. I only found out I was autistic when my son had an assessment. I've had the same traits. I've been learning more about myself ever since. This community here is very supportive and will also help you.

    Have a good night. Slight smile

  • I'm awaiting on a consultation date. Three weeks I've waited. I have almost 2 years to wait for an autism assessment. The wheels of progress are painfully slow.

    Thank you for your kind words Heart

  • Thank you for your encouraging words. They do mean a lot to me.

    I feel I need to add some background to this.

    I did some bad things (maybe linked to autism in some way, but maybe not) in 2018, after my mum died. I went off the rails. Things were turning sour and I was in a kind of mid-life crisis. So, I took it out on my partner. No violence, but treating her rotten. I had considered adultery, which was a bad move because i wadnt subtle. But by this point, i had had enough of all the negative comments she was chucking at me.

    Forward to now. We got married in 2022. It was a very happy occasion. However, things were still unresolved and I got increasingly more negativity from her. It was petty things. I mopped the floors while she was out. When she came back, she didn't focus on the clean floor. Instead she was angry because I poured the dirty water down the wrong sink. Also, I didn't wash my cup out properly, despite me using it over and over. What's the point? I rinse it out, fill it with coffee, drink it, rinse and repeat...

    In her eyes, I was Half-a-job Bob. I had no clear instructions on how I was supposed to do things and to what degree she wanted them doing. I was constantly misunderstanding what she wanted, and if i spoke, it was misunderstood by her as to what I really meant.

    We were talking one time (must have been about doctors or something). I quoted something dumb Donald Trump had said about coronavirus. I said as a joke, "maybe you should inject yourself with bleach." She took it personally, as if I was telling her to actually do that! 

    She was beginning to think I was deliberately trying to wind her up. I stopped talking. If I don't say anything, I can't get misunderstood and i can't get shot down by it. That wound her up even more. Now, I don't know what to say, but still she will gets her jabs in here and there. The negative crap kept piling up.

    Lately, she been ordering me to leave the house at 10am and I am not allowed back until 5pm. She refuses to give me any money, so i sold a ring of my late dad's. I got £100. I wander around town for 7 hours while I buy coffees and food to pass the time (I have £7 left of the ring money).

    I don't have any spirit left. I feel destroyed. I have Monday Bank Holiday to look forward to, wandering the streets again, but with less money and less shops open.

  • I'm so sorry you're struggling. Life can be really difficult sometimes. This year was awful for me too. My father died and that was really really hard for me (and still is) and my relationship with my partner is only getting worse.

    You're not alone in this. Many of us face difficulties and feel like giving up. But you must remember that storms don't last forever. When your divorce is over things will calm down and you'll feel better. You'll start over.

    And of course you can always ask for help. A psychologist could help you handle those difficult feelings. You don't have to go through all this alone. Blush

  • There are a lot of support places open on bank holidays, especially national support services.

    It's okay if you don't feel up to it just now, of course. I get that it's easier said than done, and you did one thing already by posting here.  Slight smile 

  • Not really. I'll be going to bed soon, but tomorrow is a bank holiday. There will be no one open/working.

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