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Lost the will to carry on

Gordon-not-Ramsay

On New Year's Eve 2024, I vowed I would never say "next year has gotta be better. The only way is up!" It's the sort of thing people tend to say to get with the optimistic spirit of the new year.

So, I didn't say it, because it rarely is. I thought it would be good karma not to say it this time around.

2025 has, so far, been the worst f***ing year of my entire life! I have finally lost the will to carry on. I have precious few people I can confide in. I feel cut off from family. I am going through a divorce that involves my adult step-kids (who I git along wonderfully with before) turning their backs on me. I am still having to live with an estranged wife who hates my guts. I can feel my health rapidly deteriorating. I'm losing weight, smoking more and have dreadful headaches and a general woozy feeling.

I'm even wishing a heart attack or stroke upon myself, just so that people notice the sheer stress and emotional pain I'm under. It's hard to face another day because I know it's more of the same, only with less willpower and strength than the day before.

I long to go to sleep and hope I don't wake up.

  • I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. Please do try and remember this is temporary, but if you're struggling this much it sounds like you could do with some proper support.. both having someone to talk to (that could be crisis support, therapeutic support of any kind, or even just here/a friend) and practical support, like daily obligations and tasks, a few days or more staying with someone else to get some respite?

    I have felt how you've felt before, more than once, and it is so worth it to reach out for help. It's painful to start with and feels like you're dragging yourself through it, but much more painful to go without any help at all. 

    Don't rely on people noticing, no one can really tell what's going on in someone else's mind or life to the full extent unless they say something.  

    Is there something  you can do or ask for right now or tomorrow that will lessen the load?

  • in reply to Gordon-not-Ramsay

    Those boys have a wonderful, loving father in their lives, and that's the best any parent can do. You've got this. Heart

  • in reply to maxlinger60

    Thank you Max. That made me cry (in a good way). I am not diagnosed and have been struggling to cope with life for 50 or so years. The idea of having autism never dawned on me until I had a son. I was in my mid-30s when he was born. He is a man now and was diagnosed with autism when he was roughly 5 years old.

    I am so very proud of how he has turned out and I see so much of me in him. I remember when he was a baby, trying to lull him to sleep. He would stare into my eyes while I said to him "I'm sorry you have me for a dad". He, of course, loves me regardless, as does my 15 year old son.

    I want to stay strong for them because they have shown me that I must have done something right at least. WinkHeart️Thumbsup

  • I can't imagine the pain you're going through, man, but you matter so, so very much, and this community cares so much about you. I haven't been exactly where you are, but around last winter, I hit rock bottom, and kept getting lower. Things can get better—God, that sounds so cliché to say—and you deserve better than you're getting. Please remember that your worth is not momentary, that there are people in your corner. Ask for help if you can. Find things that bring you joy, if only momentarily. You are incredibly strong, and everything you've gone through is only a testament to your strength. I wish I could help you personally, but we will support you from here any way we can. Please keep us updated.

    Love, Max

  • Hang in there, Bro!

    The System failed us! However, we shouldn't fail ourselves!