Lost the will to carry on

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. Please do try and remember this is temporary, but if you're struggling this much it sounds like you could do with some proper support.. both having someone to talk to (that could be crisis support, therapeutic support of any kind, or even just here/a friend) and practical support, like daily obligations and tasks, a few days or more staying with someone else to get some respite?

I have felt how you've felt before, more than once, and it is so worth it to reach out for help. It's painful to start with and feels like you're dragging yourself through it, but much more painful to go without any help at all. 

Don't rely on people noticing, no one can really tell what's going on in someone else's mind or life to the full extent unless they say something.  

Is there something  you can do or ask for right now or tomorrow that will lessen the load?

Not really. I'll be going to bed soon, but tomorrow is a bank holiday. There will be no one open/working.

Not really. I'll be going to bed soon, but tomorrow is a bank holiday. There will be no one open/working.

Things are crap again today. I feel I am failing my sons because they get no input from me, and they have hardly spoken to me.

I've sorted my UC claim. I get paid next week. My wife can have the lot! I'm past caring. I'm losing my mind slowly and I just want to crawl into a dark place and rot.

I never wanted to say this but I am beginning to feel hatred towards my wife. I am so bitter about the whole situation, I want to get as far away from her as possible!

Thank you Lotus.

Any benefits I recieve have been tied to my wife's UC claim. I will be fixing that soon enough.

I don't work. I've had a bad back and depression, but I really want to get back into employment. It would save my brain from going ten to the dozen if I could occupy my time in a more productive way.

As for my GP, I don't have a specific doctor I see each time. My surgery chops and changes all the time, and they are pretty crap, tbh (I guess they only work with the outmoded tools they're given). However, an appointment might be on the cards I think.

Again, thank you for words of encouragement. I've had a few of those now, and you're all lovely people. ️

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. 

Why do you not have any money? If you aren't working, can you claim unemployment benefit? Maybe you could speak to someone at citizens advice to see what you are entitled to?

I would also suggest you speak to your GP as they can prescribe medication to help you through this difficult period, if you are open to that.

Take care and good luck.

That does sound truly awful - home is supposed to be your safe sanctuary where you can go to rest, relax and enjoy some down time. 

It sounds like the relationship has just turned toxic, which sometimes does happen when feelings for each other are lost. It often gets replaced by bitterness, being irritated at the sight of each other, and anything one does annoys the other. It could also be that youre experiencing emotional abuse - though only you can know that. It really does sound like you both need to live apart and get some space from each other, even if It is just every now and again.. walking around for 7 hours is not reasonable or fair on you though. 

The stuff you said about things you did - the good thing is you have acknowledged it. We humans aren't perfect, but recognising when we've done something and then doing something to change and be better shows a lot of strength. At the same time, it doesn't help to repeatly blame yourself though, if you are doing that. :/ self-kindness helps you move forward rather than getting stuck on what went wrong.

If there's no one who can offer you a space at their house for a bit, there are wellbeing sanctuary areas in some places. You go and get a cuppa and chat to someone and stay for a bit and they can tell you support is available. I also know of services called care navigators/link workers who know all of the local supports available and can help you get them - usually they're accessed through your GP and sometimes through a local social prescribing service. 

Thank you for your encouraging words. They do mean a lot to me.

I feel I need to add some background to this.

I did some bad things (maybe linked to autism in some way, but maybe not) in 2018, after my mum died. I went off the rails. Things were turning sour and I was in a kind of mid-life crisis. So, I took it out on my partner. No violence, but treating her rotten. I had considered adultery, which was a bad move because i wadnt subtle. But by this point, i had had enough of all the negative comments she was chucking at me.

Forward to now. We got married in 2022. It was a very happy occasion. However, things were still unresolved and I got increasingly more negativity from her. It was petty things. I mopped the floors while she was out. When she came back, she didn't focus on the clean floor. Instead she was angry because I poured the dirty water down the wrong sink. Also, I didn't wash my cup out properly, despite me using it over and over. What's the point? I rinse it out, fill it with coffee, drink it, rinse and repeat...

In her eyes, I was Half-a-job Bob. I had no clear instructions on how I was supposed to do things and to what degree she wanted them doing. I was constantly misunderstanding what she wanted, and if i spoke, it was misunderstood by her as to what I really meant.

We were talking one time (must have been about doctors or something). I quoted something dumb Donald Trump had said about coronavirus. I said as a joke, "maybe you should inject yourself with bleach." She took it personally, as if I was telling her to actually do that! 

She was beginning to think I was deliberately trying to wind her up. I stopped talking. If I don't say anything, I can't get misunderstood and i can't get shot down by it. That wound her up even more. Now, I don't know what to say, but still she will gets her jabs in here and there. The negative crap kept piling up.

Lately, she been ordering me to leave the house at 10am and I am not allowed back until 5pm. She refuses to give me any money, so i sold a ring of my late dad's. I got £100. I wander around town for 7 hours while I buy coffees and food to pass the time (I have £7 left of the ring money).

I don't have any spirit left. I feel destroyed. I have Monday Bank Holiday to look forward to, wandering the streets again, but with less money and less shops open.

There are a lot of support places open on bank holidays, especially national support services.

It's okay if you don't feel up to it just now, of course. I get that it's easier said than done, and you did one thing already by posting here.