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When everything gets too much

Take5

Not really sure what I’m asking for here but just wanted to say that I’m struggling with pretty much everything right now. Making it to 49 without knowledge of the possibility of being neurodivergent accept for thinking I was different and that everyone must have struggled like I did.

I have been up and down constantly all my life from as young as I can remember, tried to avoid many situations and preferred to be alone as it was the only place I felt safe. Part of me wishes I had never found out as I feel so much worse sometimes than I did before I knew. 

I have a job as a self employed tradesman which keeps me on my own and that’s ideal for me. 

My wife seems to hate me and I don’t know why, I very often suffer verbally most days. I’m told I’m too sensitive, too defensive, emotionless and expressionless. We will be parting ways in the near future which has been a long time coming really. 

My main focus has been on our children as my partner works long hours in a pressured environment so much of the school runs, kids clubs and keeping on top of things at home have naturally fell to me. My youngest son is autistic and he just got through the assessment process, it’s been a very tough year or so for that little fellow and I have tried my best to be a support to him in every way. I have battled with the school, taken him to weekly therapy sessions in another county for over a year and recorded every day ever since we suspected he was autistic. 

I had a complete meltdown yesterday and luckily the property is empty, I shut myself in a room and sobbed. This was because I was asked to do another job while I was focused on my current one.

I am terrified of what the future might look like for me atm.

I have too many things going round in my head, it’s like a huge to do list that never gets any shorter. 

Thank you for reading 

  • in reply to FlapJacMak

    Thank you for your kind words. 

    much appreciated 

  • Hello,

    I'm sorry you're struggling and I wish I could help you through this. I'm not married but I was a dad, had a lovely little girl. I understand how stressful it can be trying to balance your own life whilst trying to look after your child. It's such a challenge but though you might not see it I think you're doing brilliant mate! You're going through an incredibly challenging time and it’s completely understandable to feel overwhelmed during all this but you are there for your son and have taken on so much responsibility at home, especially given your own challenges.

    Ultimate respect to you!

    You don’t have to face all of this alone, sharing your feelings can often lighten the burden. We are all here for you when you need a friend to talk to. I hope things improve for you soon. Got to get through the rain to reach the rainbow. You'll get there! Take things one step at a time. It’s ok to have bad days, meltdowns and feel down; what matters is that you are trying your best.

    Take care keeping you in my thoughts.

  • in reply to JD-on-sea

    Thank you JD

    I am afraid my partner wouldn’t be interested in doing much in terms of research and trying to understand. This is a surprise to her as much as it is me and I understand that she wants to live a life without having to make adjustments for someone else. I’m fine with the separation part so long as we can still be friends and parent our children in an amicable way. That would be best case for me tbh.

    I have meltdowns quite a lot but that one was very intense, I was so lucky there was no one else around as I don’t think I would have been able to contain it. 

    Really appreciate all your responses, I wasn’t looking for attention I was just feeling terrible and needed someone to hear it. 

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    Thank you

    Agree with my own space it will be a safer space for me. I just worry about everything atm and have had quite a few weeks with my son not settling well for bed which has got to me really. Just need to get myself together that’s all.

    Really appreciate your reply and thanks again

  • Sounds really tough for you right now, maybe if you and your wife do seperate then things will become easier, obviously there will be different pressures and problems, but I don't think the physical and emotional toll of living with someone you appears to not like you can be underestimated. You may well end up doing much the same as you do now, but home will hopefully be a safer place.

  • Hi Take5,

    Obviously no easy answers as these are complex things, but thank you for sharing it and to echo Debbie, I’m also thinking of you. Might be worth directing your wife to some of the NAS resources on living with an autistic partner - I’m sure she doesn’t hate you, but is equally struggling and you’re both going through a lot while trying to support your children. None of us are superheroes and we can’t do it all, though we want to. I can empathise with your meltdown from yesterday, change when we’re focused is tough but on top of everything else it’s no wonder your mind and body reacted that way. Is there any way you can take some time off work, even if just a small amount? Some time to try to reset might help if you can manage it. That is one of the few things that has worked for me when times have been really tough and I’ve felt completely alone.