Should I live with my parents?

Hi LostOne87,

A few more questions to consider:

• do you parents want you back?
• where do you see yourself living further into the future (when your parents pass away)?
• could you move somewhere else that still left your independence but ticked some of the 'pro' boxes but without living with your parents? Such as living somewhere with access to an allotment or garden, nearer to you parents, somewhere you could have pets.

I don't how I would manage living on my own (I live with my partner). I sometimes think that if I could afford it I would be much happier living alone but still share my lif with my partner - but that is just not an option.

The way to make it work for both of us is to try and accomadate as many of our needs as possible. I really need my own space so I have a (very) small studio where I can just switch off and put my headphones on and make music and go on the internet. I get stressed if my parner leaves stuff lying around the house so I therefore have to  ake sure there is a place to actually put alll the stuff.

I wonder if there were things that you and your parents could do to make living together easier?

I don't really believe that anyone should have to move out of home because they have to 'stand on their own two feet' although I do feel that there is some pressure from society as a whole to do this.

If living at home is the happiest option then I think it is the right thing to do.

Looking to the long term though i also think that trying to develop some social connections (and support) aside from the parents. that is not to say i am doing this though - especially the last few years I have really struggled (or been motivated) to make any social connections.

I have thought about what it would be like to move back to my parents but I don't think it would be very good for me or them. I can imagine though that if I was not with my partner it might be a necessity - admitting that to myself doesn't make me feel so good but I judt don't think I could cope financially or socially.

What are the Pros and cons of living where you are now?

:)

I agree with IntenseWorld there, once you've moved out it is difficult moving back. I was in a bad situation where I lived just over a year ago and had to move home. I'd lived away from home for 6 years, but I always had a flatmate, partly because I couldn't afford to live alone and also because I needed the company as well as someone to help me with certain aspects of living. I really enjoyed living away, I loved the place and I had more friends! It's been so hard moving home but I really had to, within the space of 2 weeks I pretty much lost my job (hours were reduced from 35/week to 12/week which I couldn't live on) my flatmate announced she had to move out and my best friend moved away and I just couldn't cope. I practically had a breakdown, had severe depression and anxiety and had no choice but to move home. It was hard, the massive change was difficult and I suddenly went from having friends, freedom and a social life to having no one, living in the middle of no where (and I can't drive). 

Zem, I really understand your post, I felt competely the same way and as for the difficulty in being autistic and watching other people have fun social lives and long term relationships is really hard and depressing, I am 27 too and I've never had a proper relationship and it's been years since I even went on a date. i really don't know what to do about it and feel like I'll be alone forever. it isn't helped my living back at home either.

OP I think it depends on whether the loss of control over your environment would bother you more or not.  Having left home and moved back before, I can say that in the end it didn't work.  Once you have had that freedom it's very difficult going back to being under your parent's roof again.

I think for me, I find it demoralising getting a worse deal than what I am used to. Because I am used to a nice house in a quiet area, and because my flat is not as nice in comparison (although I appreciate it is a lot nicer than many social tenancies), I feel rather disappointed. I know that everyone has to start off from scratch, and I probably sound ungrateful and a moaner, but perhaps it is harder because of my Asperger's: change is difficult, and it is far worse when what I had previously was better, I mean why swap a better situation for a worse one? I do get independence and a degree of control, but I lose out on a good night's sleep because of the noise levels.

I support good quality council-housing, and I think more good quality housing should be built. The 'homes fit for heroes' were were better insulated than current stock, and most of them had nice gardens. Since the great sell-off, all we are left with in the main, is some fairly shoddy stock. It is now pot luck whether or not you will be allocated a nice Housing association flat or a shoddy one.

And of course, private rented stock is often even worse quality.

I'm 27 and live in my own flat, and I couldn't even contemplate moving back in with my parents.  My parents' house was never a safe environment for me really, as they never seemed to understand me and the support that I needed and my reltionships with my siblings were very difficult at the best of times.  Whilst it is not easy living alone and being responsible for everything to do with the flat, it does at least mean that I can be alone easily when I need to be and do things my way.  I am lucky enough that I found a full-time job that I can just about sustain, but as I therefore look like I'm managing social services seem to think they can ignore me while the stress of sustaining things is wrecking my health. 

Personally I'd also be vary wary of giving up a tenancy in a social-rented flat, especially a one-bedroom now that they are more in demand due to the "bedroom tax".  Social tenancies can be very difficult to get and private renting, with often only two month's security of tenure and many unscrupulous landlords (not to mention the cost) is not great for autistic people.  [Insert rant about dysfunctional housing system and stupid, draconian, and discriminatory "welfare" cuts here].  That said, there is limited value in long-term planning if the situation is not sustainable in the short-term.  If continuing to live in the flat is going to be bad for your health, it may be best to let it go and take a chance on future accommodation.  In particular, if living with your parents is going to give you more chance of getting a job (more support/less else to worry about) then that may be worth it.

I'm not sure that moving to a social rented flat with paper thin walls is necessarily "climbing down the social ladder" or that "climbing down the social ladder" is a bad thing though.  When I left home for uni I lived in shared houses, which was a nightmare, and eventually ended up moving into a privately rented bedsit in a run-down block and with very thin walls.  My parents, who live in a nice detached house in a suburban cul-de-sac, were not impressed when they saw the block, and people's reactions when I told them where I lived were very interesting.  But I felt more a part of a community there than anywhere else.  Most people there were just trying to get by in the face of a lot of difficulty, and I was respected for doing the same.

It is very difficult, psychologically, to know what you are missing out on because of being autistic (or otherwise disabled) though.  I don't mind that my older brother has a far bigger salary than me, that he has a car, or that he has expensive holidays.  But it is very difficult to come to terms with having virtually no social life and going years without a date while everybody else who I know my age gets long-term loving relationships :(. 

Your post could almost be describing me. I am the same age as you, have Asperger's and a support package, and nominally live 'independently' in a Housing Association rented flat. I have lived in the flat for almost two years, with 16 hours of support a week to help with shopping, bill paying, etc., but am seriously considering moving back into my parents; if I have the option, which I am not sure about.

My flat is by a busy road, can be noisy at night with cars and students (it is near a University), and even though my neighbour is hardly an excessively noisy one most of the time, her everyday noise makes me very stressed.

My parent's house, where I have lived since I was 7, is in a quiet residential area, has a nice garden (my flat has a small patch but with hardly any privacy), and is in a nicer area.

I am afraid I can't offer you any advice, only I know what this predicament is like, and it hard moving from a nice respectable semi into a social housing flat with paper thin walls. Climbing down the social ladder is very hard psychologically, and leads to feelings of resentment,guilt and blame. If I did not have Asperger's I would likely have a good job by now, and would likely have more choice.