Do you ever say the wrong thing??

I say the right thing , even when it costs me.

Hi and welcome to the forum. If you could change your user name from an NAS number to a nickname, that would help us recognise you more easily.

In reply to your post, I cannot find anything wrong with your idea. The teacher's claim that it is offensive due to your identity is racist (as racism is discrimination/ prejudice against people based on their race or ethnicity) and secular phobic (I think I just made that one up, but it does fit)

It can be difficult in schools to navigate teaching in personal and social education. When I trained as a teaching assistant 30 odd years ago I had to do a project, and as I had identified poor self esteem as a barrier to learning I wanted to work on that with individual children with special educational needs. However the head teacher told me that was impossible, as PSE could only be taught by a fully trained class teacher, to the whole class. She did take on board my ideas and implemented it in classes, but I was only allowed to assist class teachers with that, and had to choose something else for my TA project. 

Were you trying to get your booklets into schools? It is difficult, as faith teaching has to follow a set curriculum and process. Maybe talk to the Imam and mosque leader again, also contact local church leaders, and see if they have any other ideas - maybe the booklets could be used for Sunday schools or holiday clubs?

All the time I have foot in mouth disease and to mke it worse I often end up with the other foot in my mouth to from using it as a tool to extract the first one.

Are there any interfaith groups in your area who you could work with? I don't know why anyone would see this as offensive unless they're a full on anti-faith atheist or believe their own faith superior to all others. I also don't get this idea that being white and middle class means you can't possibly know anything, I think it's racist in itself, not every white financially comfortable person is socially ignorant, colonialist or patronising.

You're wanting material written by the comunities themselves aimed at greater understanding between those comunities, I fail to see how that is a bad thing, anything that helps to bring about understanding between different comunities is a good thing in my book.

Yes, I have experience of saying the wrong thing, not reacting correctly in the moment and other autistic people attacking me for it. 

I'd almost rather neurotypical people attacked me instead. 

NAS96150 said:

When I told a friend who is a teacher she said it was really offensive for me to do this as I am a white middle class secular woman. I couldn’t understand why -I thought I saw a gap for a local initiative that could promote unity of different faiths and backgrounds but she felt I was being prejudicial and bigoted and islamophobic. My husband then agreed.

Prejudice? Bigoted? Islamophobic? I don't think it's fair for this teacher to label you in such a way. You were trying to make everyone unite based on the key values that are similar across all faiths and backgrounds. I'm not a part of an organized faith, but I'd rather hear what you have to teach, rather than to hear whatever that teacher is trying to say. Views like what that teacher has, is why there is a divide across communities. And for your husband to agree with the teacher instead of the person he married, why'd he do that? Why didn't he stand up for you? 

I don't think what you were trying to do is wrong, but people might misconstrue your intentions to be something bad. 

I think you should still try and continue to bring about the open discussion about the key values that exist in every faith and background. Maybe it would help bridge the gap and the divide that's happening in the community. 

If the local imam likes and supports the idea, then the idea isn't islamophobic. It could be that because your friend has a duty of care to her students, she's looking at your idea as pressuring your own beliefs onto her students. But if she's specifically accusing you of discriminating against muslims, despite the local prayer leader supporting the idea, then it sounds like she could be getting offended on other peoples' behalf, which is all too common these days. Lets assume the former for now though.

If you still want to go forward with this idea, you should probably communicate with the imam and other relevant religious members of the community. Maybe ask them to speak to local parents, or simply to allow you to put a flyer up on the community noticeboard for them to invite parents to look at. Make a Facebook group that people who support the idea can join, and if you can get a nice number of relevant people involved, even if only joining the group to add their names to the list, then you'd have something to take to the headteacher, to show them the idea is supported by these individuals.

That aside, you've taken a blow to your confidence, and I do know what that's like. More than once I've chosen my words poorly and upset someone I didn't mean to. One of the hard lessons in life is sometimes you have to let the matter lie and give feelings a chance to cool off on both sides, or accept that the misunderstanding can't be easily resolved. Acknowledge your intensions, acknowledge how your words or actions were recieved, accept that situation for what it is. Then you can start to analyse and understand what you should have said, and what you should do next, if anything. Stress for autists can cause a feedback loop, so it's extra important to give yourself time to process.

You are not alone.

I upset people all the time, no matter how hard I try not to.

A few years ago I attended a DBT Distress Tolerance Skills workshop. To start with, it a a nightmare for me simply because it was a group activity; a nightmare for me. I resolved to say as little as practicable.

As an "ice-breaker" the facilitator asked the attendees to describe a unique feature about themself. First thing I thought was there is nothing unique about me. Every thing I can do or have done has been done by someone before. I, along with everyone else, am unique: not special but unique.The facilitator opened by saying that she had a black-belt in karate. Not a person to be trifled with, I thought. In turn all the other attendees introduced themselves and cited something unique about themself.When it can to me, I simply stated my name. No need to upset anyone at this stage, I thought.

The following morning I sent the facilitator an email apologizing for not engaging with the group. I also wrote that my special talent was upsetting people. It's not a skill; I don't practise it, it just comes naturally. I didn't want to say this in a group session.

During the third session I tried to engage with the group, as best I could. The result? I upset the facilitator! She was so angry with me. Keep in mind this is in a Distress Tolerance Skills setting where all the attendees were survivors of trauma. I had a panic attack and bolted from the room tout suite. I did not return, unlike General Douglas MacArthur.

QED, I thought. I did try warn her.

If upsetting people were an Olympic event I would be a multiple gold medalist. I upset people by speaking, not speaking,  simply by being. Pathologically, I have foot-in-mouth disease.

Thanks for your reply. I wanted to pay for communities to write booklets for kids to have and also swap and share that celebrate the best and good bits about it their faith, and challenged stereotypes and herald historical heroes and living members of the community who have shown universally acknowledged virtues (humiiity, charity, love, compassion, patience, temperance, diligence, forgiveness etc). I met and spoke to an imam who was realy excited at the idea and also went to a synagogue to see if they’d be interested (who were also really keen!

When I told a friend who is a teacher she said it was really offensive for me to do this as I am a white middle class secular woman. I couldn’t understand why -I thought I saw a gap for a local initiative that could promote unity of different faiths and backgrounds but she felt I was being prejudicial and bigoted and islamophobic. My husband then agreed.

I can, and have accepted I have got this wrong. I don’t want to hurt or offend anyone-quite the reverse. But I can’t claim to understand it. 

I find social situations so incredibly difficult to navigate and feel despondent and can’t see the point in trying any more. Why has society made this so complicated - so complicated and so lacking in faith and trust in peoples ability to be well meaninged? The hypersensitivity to causing potential offence I myself find upsetting and offensive.

how can I ever advise my autistic daughter how to navigate the world when someone seeing an unkindness, deciding the pay a lot of money towards helping parties involved fix that unkindness is apparently offensive!? When the parties themselves seemed keen and thought it was a good intitiative!? How can life be so complicated!?  

I so often feel conspicuous that I don’t say or act in the right way. These sorts of things just make me want to hide away forever and never meet anyone or go anywhere or do anything as this makes me feel hurt, untrusted, scared, and stupid. 

I know this isn’t a sensible solution. But I suppose I just need to vent and would appreciate knowing if I’m not the only one to find adult life so im possible. I feel I fail at every turn at the moment. I keep offending people when I am trying to be as kind as I can, and honest at the same time.

please, if you have any experience of putting your foot in it, or doing the wrong thing, please let me know I’m not alone.

There's quite a bit to unpack there, and the whole situation is rather ambiguous. By local faith groups, to whom are you referring? Are the children in question already being raised within the religion of these groups? Where do your friends fit into this situation? Are the parents of the children aware of this idea?

Obviously I can't ask who you are in this situation due to anonymity rules, but as it's unclear what your position may be in regards to these local faith groups, it's hard to say how appropriate your idea is. It sounds like there's something in there that your friends find objectionable. Could you tell us what they expressed to you about it?

Without knowing more, it's hard to really assess the situation to know what to say about it.