Published on 12, July, 2020
My female partner believes she is Autistic and believes she has Pathological Demand Avoidance. When we were first in a relationship she would snuggle me, hug, kiss and say I love you etc. We split up but recently got back together and she said when we were first together she masked. She now will not kiss, saying she doesn't like it, won't hug, won't snuggle and says having to say "I love you" back when I say it is like a demand so won't do it. There is so much more going on and a relative says she is narcissistic. Can Autistic individuals heavily mask like this or is it quite suspicious how she presents? She always has to have control, guilt trips me and well, I could go on.
it is a no fault situation, remember. you may simply bring out the worst in each other. Walk.
She behaves like my brother who has high in narcissistic tendencies, and I cut contact to him years ago, because he was toxic. Hopefully you set boundaries for yourself. Your partner should treat you respectfully, and everyone who genuinely cares about your well-being, like your relative, will not want to see you being treated so badly by anyone, especially not by your partner, who's supposed to love you and care about you. You could look up narcissistic abuse, and see if it resembles your relationship. Hopefully you will be able to figure things out so that you'll be happy.
this is a hard one I don't do relationships as I find them a nightmare.my advice as a single person would be you have to chat and get to the bottom of this and say that you need affection in a relationship.it may be she is not the one.Even with our friends it is nice to hug and say we like or love them
Thank for you taking the time to reply
Thank you for taking the time to reply. Very good comment at the end there about love “it should be uplifting and supportive and joyous”
Thank you for taking the time to reply and the advice you’ve given
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I’ve been advised previously about being careful. I get criticised a lot, she’s always right and guilt trips can be me not offering to do something so she’ll say, you’re suppose to be my partner and make me feel guilty etc for me to then do it
Thank you for taking the time to reply and the advice given
That sounds... unnatural. I would trust the relative. It sounds like she's manipulative.
If you want hugs and kisses and you are not getting them. just walk. there is no win here.
If she was masking and now not, that is useful to know and if the unmasked person is not who you want to be with, then don't.
It is better for both of you to be free to find more suitable partners, in that case.
Love is not about sacrifice and pain. It should be uplifting and supportive and joyous.
Yeh it’s quite common unfortunately. You have to understand that your girlfriend is really struggling. But at the same time that shouldn’t hold you back. She needs help and she may be subconsciously taking her pain out on you. She doesn’t mean it but at the same time you don’t deserve that either I guess. I don’t know the answer only you do. But yeh this is common and it can seem like autistic people are narcissistic or lack empathy. But we do have empathy it’s just we struggle with really severe anxiety. But I get that you are not a psychologist and it’s not your job to figure out your girlfriend’s problems. You don’t want to take her to guilt trip you too much because that can lead to you resenting her and that can then lead to a toxic relationship. Hope you come to a solution!
Well, the most important question, is whether or not you're happy with this kind of set-up for the relationship. Demand avoidance, lack of intimacy, control, guilt trips, etc., I mean, that doesn't sound very nice for a relationship in general. Even if she was masking intimacy before and not just love bombing you, the other things like control and guilt trips, are sort of weird. I would suggest you be careful.
NAS93258 said:she said when we were first together she masked.
This is pretty normal for an autist - we try to fit in and do what we think we need to to get along so it may well be her true nature is just not as intimate as you thought.
You have to seriously consider if her unmasked distance is what you really want from a relationship - I know it wouldn't work for me. Remember that what you thought it was based on is essentially a lie so you can't use nostalga as a justification for keeping the relationship going if it isn't delivering what you need.
I would suggest having an honest discussion about what each of you want from the relationship and what you dont want / like. It may seem a bit impersonal but it really is the fastest way to cut the sentimental crud and get down to be bones of how compatible you really are.
You need to really keep it practical and remove what emotions you can from the discussion - it really is about making sure your needs and wants are aligned or going to clash.
NAS93258 said: a relative says she is narcissistic.
I would doubt it - this is most likely a neurotypical interpritation on a neurodivergent mind but lacking in understanding of how we work.
NAS93258 said:She always has to have control, guilt trips me and well, I could go on.
I suspect this has become a defence mechanism which is why I suggested the "negotiation" discussion - if you agree on things then you can agree on processes and share of control of the things you find an issue.
That would be my approach as I find most autists like clarity in expectations and agreements.