Published on 12, July, 2020
My female partner believes she is Autistic and believes she has Pathological Demand Avoidance. When we were first in a relationship she would snuggle me, hug, kiss and say I love you etc. We split up but recently got back together and she said when we were first together she masked. She now will not kiss, saying she doesn't like it, won't hug, won't snuggle and says having to say "I love you" back when I say it is like a demand so won't do it. There is so much more going on and a relative says she is narcissistic. Can Autistic individuals heavily mask like this or is it quite suspicious how she presents? She always has to have control, guilt trips me and well, I could go on.
NAS93258 said:she said when we were first together she masked.
This is pretty normal for an autist - we try to fit in and do what we think we need to to get along so it may well be her true nature is just not as intimate as you thought.
You have to seriously consider if her unmasked distance is what you really want from a relationship - I know it wouldn't work for me. Remember that what you thought it was based on is essentially a lie so you can't use nostalga as a justification for keeping the relationship going if it isn't delivering what you need.
I would suggest having an honest discussion about what each of you want from the relationship and what you dont want / like. It may seem a bit impersonal but it really is the fastest way to cut the sentimental crud and get down to be bones of how compatible you really are.
You need to really keep it practical and remove what emotions you can from the discussion - it really is about making sure your needs and wants are aligned or going to clash.
NAS93258 said: a relative says she is narcissistic.
I would doubt it - this is most likely a neurotypical interpritation on a neurodivergent mind but lacking in understanding of how we work.
NAS93258 said:She always has to have control, guilt trips me and well, I could go on.
I suspect this has become a defence mechanism which is why I suggested the "negotiation" discussion - if you agree on things then you can agree on processes and share of control of the things you find an issue.
That would be my approach as I find most autists like clarity in expectations and agreements.
Thank you for taking the time to reply and the advice given