Autism and family life

Thank you. I will. 

I’m really hoping we can work through this. 

Your very welcome!

It’s the little things that seem to overwhelm me sometimes like the multiple noises. 
I know if my partner gives me a hard time for something she’s forgotten about it by the time she’s at work, I just have it on replay in my head for the rest of the day which can make me very anxious. Then when she gets home I want to try and have a conversation about it with the view of getting her to see that it could have been verbalised in a more positive way. 
I think in the end it’s just about one word….. mindfulness. I told myself I had the best day ever on Sunday even though I worked all day, everyone was so positive and thinking of others which made me feel fantastic. 
I have thrown myself into learning about autism to the point of obsession and even managed to get on a course (which you get a qualification for) it’s called an introduction to autism. The more I learn the more I understand and then I can let my family know where I struggle.

Be sure to let us know how he and your family get on

Take care

Thank you so much. It is helpful to hear from others how you manage some of those tricky elements. 

I get so frustrated that he doesn’t do what I see as blindingly obvious - so exactly that with the tv as I would just send the kids into the other room. But because they challenge his authority on a daily basis he finds it easier to give in to them - so they stay there and he can’t escape the noise - which of course doesn’t help anyone in the long run. 

I’ve put into practise some of things suggested in here (I have had discussions with the kids about how they behave for him) and had discussions with hubby about the pressure points. Hopefully I can support him with this in a mentor way and not a nagging wife way!

I like the idea of a list of reasonable expectations too.

Some of it is him not accepting his autism (in my opinion) and that’s why he’s so reluctant to go back to the therapist (who is autism specialist) as he thinks he’s learnt it all. He hasn’t of course, life is a never ending learning journey for all of us. 

thank you. 

TreacleAndMud said:

Thank you. I appreciate that. It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone. I don’t know of anyone else in my situation. 

Hi there 

I am in a similar situation.

I’m Nd and my wife is Nt, we also have 2 boys age 13 and 9 with my youngest being autistic. 
We are a very busy family so I sympathise with your situation. Although I keep myself very busy I understand your partner getting overwhelmed sometimes at home as I struggle with lots of different noises at home. Both boys are usually on tick tock or similar with the tv blaring away and other things besides….. this scrambles my brain. I get my boys to take it into another room or use headphones which helps. Maybe you could both do a list of reasonable expectations for each other and discuss them to see if you can come to an understanding? 
For me I very often need things spelling out as in what is expected of me for that day, it gives me a clear picture of what I need to do to help. If that doesn’t happen I can very often find myself prioritising the wrong things. How about a book for your children to read to explain autism and how it can affect our day to day lives. I struggle to be authoritative with my children and I’m either joking about like a friend or quite down really. I try and make some serious conversation once a day just so my children view me as a parent as well as a friend. Things for me are far from perfect but I manage. 
Make sure you keep communicating with each other and make time to bring things up with each other regularly.

Sorry I can’t be more helpful and good luck 

Thank you! 
The running is probably a big factor as he’s injured at the moment so can’t. 

You raise some really good points here. 

we don’t have the option to ship the kids off unfortunately. My side of the family live far away and whilst his are nearby they aren’t close or supportive. 
we have left them the odd night with a friend but our eldest struggles so much with the emotional load that comes with it. We effectively pay the price for her masking the entire time we are away  which feels like a heavy price  

but he has got a couple of days off before he goes back to his previous job so hopefully that will give him sometime to reflect on what he needs because we tried to talk this morning and it’s like we are both speaking different languages  

 He says he doesn’t care about the pay changing. He doesn’t need to finish work earlier because he can handle it. And he isn’t going to learn anything for a therapist. 

im so exhausted by it all. 

I'm lucky that I live ten minutes' walk from my workplace, and can work from home if I want to. I go for a run most mornings, so that counts as time alone, though proper alone time for me is in my bedroom with the laptop (answering emails; making autism YouTube videos...) and this is usually after 7.30pm, when we've finished our dinner, unless I have an evening meeting for my other job.

A typical weekday for me is: say goodbye to wife and kids as they go in the car to school; go for a run; go to work; go to Aldi; cook dinner; do the washing-up; alone time/meeting. At the weekend, alone time is usually late morning or evening.

TreacleAndMud said:

but of course it’s not fine as I come home from work every day to a thunder storm  

So home has become an authority challenge for him and probably a sensory overload as well. I think these are likely to be major influences in why he wants to spend less time at home.

TreacleAndMud said:

he feels like he has to earn a certain amount of money

I really connect with this. I was raised in a generation when it was the mans role to provide and while I understand and accept that the world has moved on from this, I still feel it in my bones that I should be the one providing and protecting the family so when my autism holds me back from what I am capable of I feel I have let the family down.

His perception of his own failings as the provider, as a parent (in the ability to manage the kids) and a partner (due to his meltdowns) are probably all destroying his sense of self worth and confidence.

It also sounds like he is not getting a chance to recharge from the sensory overloads at home so a different approach may help here.

Do you have the option to ship the kids off to do something else for a week or two? Not full time but enough for you both to have some quiet time to rest, catch up on some chores and let him be quiet in his own company without demands?

With luck this should help him come out of the energy hold he is in at the moment and be able to connect and talk about stuff before you start to build a new way of life at home.

Help him understand how to manage the kids for a start - chances are he lacks the social skills to manage effectively (I had to study loads to understand the psychology around this) so try to do it in a mentoring way to show him how you do it.

Also have a blunt talk with the kids without him there. Explain that you know they are taking advantage of him and that you will have to start a regeime of punishments (ie chores) if they don't behave. Set the behaviour guidelines explicitly and have a long list of chores (appropriate to their age) and make them do it.

It teaches cause and effect for behaviour and is not unduly cruel so it is a valuable lesson for them, plus it gets some chores done (dusting skirting boards, washing the wheels on the car, weeding the garden, peeling vegetables etc).

With the therapy I would also start to ask your partner to write lists of what he wants to talk about - we often find it easier to do this than respond in what we see as a confrontation when put on the spot. It also gives them time to refine the list and develop talking points as this is something  they will now feel in control of.

If you can afford it, get him a personal therapist who understands autism well. Taking it out of the couples zone will help him feel that the pressure is off needing to be the alpha male and he will hopefully make better progress. Being vulnerable is often really hard for us and we hate our partners to see us as "weak".

That's enough for now - I hope this helps you see a little more from the other side of this situation and has some advice that is useful.

Thank you Iain.  I appreciate that. 

the kids do have chores but the minute I’m not there, hubby finds it too much effort to enforce anything so they kick up a fuss knowing daddy will give in and let them off. It is pretty full on all of the time. The kids behave differently for him than me. 

We do see a counsellor at the moment, although not regularly as it’s quite hard work trying to get hubby there each time. He resists it but I find it helpful  

when he first went back to work I suggested he work less hours so he had some space before the kids came home from school but he refused to do it and said he was fine  

but of course it’s not fine as I come home from work every day to a thunder storm  

we did manage to chat yesterday and I realised half the problem is his own expectation of himself. 
he feels like he has to earn a certain amount of money (because he used to earn more) and therefore he doesn’t finish early because he doesn’t want to earn less (he’s already taken a huge pay drop since his burnout)  

He feels like he should be really happy with a loving wife and two kids and doesn’t feel like he can say “I really need to be on my own for a bit”. 

And then that just causes this huge pressure cooker. 
 I really don’t want him to feel like.  He has said he will try communicate better so I’m hoping things will feel less like I’m wading through treacle. 

Neil said:

given you do so much for your family, maybe you and your husband could talk about sharing the load and the impact of the current set-up on you.

Agreeing a fari distribution of work is important and a discussion worth having. Make sure to allocate chores to the kids as well so everyone is sharing part of the load and feels a part of the team.

TreacleAndMud said:

it was simply around a job not working out for him (his choice to walk away)

I get the feeling that the negativity he is feeling at home may have led him to chose to spend more time away where he is free from whatever it is that is upsetting for him.

I get that as I had a similar situation myself (I'm the autistic one) and I had considered jobs travelling where I could get more time away from home just to relax and recharge more). Does he have plenty of opportinity to escape and recharge or is it full on all the time with the family together after work?

In your shoes I would consider couples therapy if he can be persuaded into it - there is a lot of open and blunt conversations to be had with the therapist as a moderator and can unearth stuff to be taken into individual sessions to work through.

Thank you. I appreciate that. It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone. I don’t know of anyone else in my situation. 

please may I ask what alone time looks like for you? What’s a typical day for you? 
How do you manage to weave that into busy family life? 
thank you 

Hi, and welcome. I'm autistic and my wife is neurotypical. We have two children (14-year-old NT daughter; 12-year-old autistic son). My kids see me as a grump and a joker, though I also do 99% of the cooking & cleaning in addition to having two jobs (I was recently diagnosed as an ADHDer, which can have advantages - i.e. I love getting things done!) My wife and I never sat down and allocated chores; we’ve just settled into a pattern, which seems to work. However, given you do so much for your family, maybe you and your husband could talk about sharing the load and the impact of the current set-up on you. My wife and kids have come to accept that I need a lot of alone time, so maybe you and your kids could have a candid chat with your husband about this as well. I know that this isn’t very innovative or helpful advice, but I felt compelled to comment due to the similarity in circumstances (I’ve experienced horrible burnout recently, and I just take things day by day, otherwise life becomes overwhelming). My wife’s support is everything to me – I would be lost without her. I hope that things improve for you and your family soon.