Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there
im new around here :-)
Im NT, married to a diagnosed Autistic man. We have two primary age kids. We are expecting a diagnosis for our eldest child fairly imminently. 2.5 years ago Hubby ended up with severe burnout through his job and he was on the cusp of suicide. He got his diagnosis as everything started to unravel and he was signed off with depression. It’s been really, really tough. He’s built himself back up, slowly but surely and I’m so proud of him in so many ways. But I am exhausted.i am seen as the strong one. I hold everyone up and piece them back together.not just in our house but in my wider family and at work. But I’m not sure I can do this anymore.
Something happened recently that has meant that I’ve lost hope and it was simply around a job not working out for him (his choice to walk away). The job offered him a different working pattern so he would have had much needed time at home on his home (when the rest of us were at school and work) and because he doesn’t cope well with family life I felt that would be a really good thing. He will be back to a more typical working pattern instead
I want to protect our children from his mood swings and his negativity. His negativity is just awful. It drains me. He clashes with the eldest a lot and it infuriates me that he can’t see when she needs handling with care. It confuses her that her daddy doesn’t get her even though they are both autistic. he does most school pick ups as I now have to work full time to pick up the financial slack. I also do all of the mental load at home for the kids - Forms filled in for school, PE kits ready and the never ending stream of appointments etc.
I realise now he’s always been like this and I don’t know what to do about it. The kids don’t take him seriously as a parent at all. He’s a joker and hilarious, or negative and a fun sponge. No in between.
I love him so much. We all do. But I don’t think he will ever be able to cope with family life and the noise and chaos that comes with it.
im rambling. I’m sorry. Does anyone have any positive things they can share about what helps them cope with family life. Anything at all?
t️hank you
Thank you.
Hi, and welcome. I'm autistic and my wife is neurotypical. We have two children (14-year-old NT daughter; 12-year-old autistic son). My kids see me as a grump and a joker, though I also do 99% of the cooking & cleaning in addition to having two jobs (I was recently diagnosed as an ADHDer, which can have advantages - i.e. I love getting things done!) My wife and I never sat down and allocated chores; we’ve just settled into a pattern, which seems to work. However, given you do so much for your family, maybe you and your husband could talk about sharing the load and the impact of the current set-up on you. My wife and kids have come to accept that I need a lot of alone time, so maybe you and your kids could have a candid chat with your husband about this as well. I know that this isn’t very innovative or helpful advice, but I felt compelled to comment due to the similarity in circumstances (I’ve experienced horrible burnout recently, and I just take things day by day, otherwise life becomes overwhelming). My wife’s support is everything to me – I would be lost without her. I hope that things improve for you and your family soon.
Neil said:given you do so much for your family, maybe you and your husband could talk about sharing the load and the impact of the current set-up on you.
Agreeing a fari distribution of work is important and a discussion worth having. Make sure to allocate chores to the kids as well so everyone is sharing part of the load and feels a part of the team.
TreacleAndMud said:it was simply around a job not working out for him (his choice to walk away)
I get the feeling that the negativity he is feeling at home may have led him to chose to spend more time away where he is free from whatever it is that is upsetting for him.
I get that as I had a similar situation myself (I'm the autistic one) and I had considered jobs travelling where I could get more time away from home just to relax and recharge more). Does he have plenty of opportinity to escape and recharge or is it full on all the time with the family together after work?
In your shoes I would consider couples therapy if he can be persuaded into it - there is a lot of open and blunt conversations to be had with the therapist as a moderator and can unearth stuff to be taken into individual sessions to work through.
You raise some really good points here. we don’t have the option to ship the kids off unfortunately. My side of the family live far away and whilst his are nearby they aren’t close or supportive. we have left them the odd night with a friend but our eldest struggles so much with the emotional load that comes with it. We effectively pay the price for her masking the entire time we are away which feels like a heavy price
but he has got a couple of days off before he goes back to his previous job so hopefully that will give him sometime to reflect on what he needs because we tried to talk this morning and it’s like we are both speaking different languages
He says he doesn’t care about the pay changing. He doesn’t need to finish work earlier because he can handle it. And he isn’t going to learn anything for a therapist.
im so exhausted by it all.
TreacleAndMud said:but of course it’s not fine as I come home from work every day to a thunder storm
So home has become an authority challenge for him and probably a sensory overload as well. I think these are likely to be major influences in why he wants to spend less time at home.
TreacleAndMud said:he feels like he has to earn a certain amount of money
I really connect with this. I was raised in a generation when it was the mans role to provide and while I understand and accept that the world has moved on from this, I still feel it in my bones that I should be the one providing and protecting the family so when my autism holds me back from what I am capable of I feel I have let the family down.
His perception of his own failings as the provider, as a parent (in the ability to manage the kids) and a partner (due to his meltdowns) are probably all destroying his sense of self worth and confidence.
It also sounds like he is not getting a chance to recharge from the sensory overloads at home so a different approach may help here.
Do you have the option to ship the kids off to do something else for a week or two? Not full time but enough for you both to have some quiet time to rest, catch up on some chores and let him be quiet in his own company without demands?
With luck this should help him come out of the energy hold he is in at the moment and be able to connect and talk about stuff before you start to build a new way of life at home.
Help him understand how to manage the kids for a start - chances are he lacks the social skills to manage effectively (I had to study loads to understand the psychology around this) so try to do it in a mentoring way to show him how you do it.
Also have a blunt talk with the kids without him there. Explain that you know they are taking advantage of him and that you will have to start a regeime of punishments (ie chores) if they don't behave. Set the behaviour guidelines explicitly and have a long list of chores (appropriate to their age) and make them do it.
It teaches cause and effect for behaviour and is not unduly cruel so it is a valuable lesson for them, plus it gets some chores done (dusting skirting boards, washing the wheels on the car, weeding the garden, peeling vegetables etc).
With the therapy I would also start to ask your partner to write lists of what he wants to talk about - we often find it easier to do this than respond in what we see as a confrontation when put on the spot. It also gives them time to refine the list and develop talking points as this is something they will now feel in control of.
If you can afford it, get him a personal therapist who understands autism well. Taking it out of the couples zone will help him feel that the pressure is off needing to be the alpha male and he will hopefully make better progress. Being vulnerable is often really hard for us and we hate our partners to see us as "weak".
That's enough for now - I hope this helps you see a little more from the other side of this situation and has some advice that is useful.
Thank you Iain. I appreciate that.
the kids do have chores but the minute I’m not there, hubby finds it too much effort to enforce anything so they kick up a fuss knowing daddy will give in and let them off. It is pretty full on all of the time. The kids behave differently for him than me.
We do see a counsellor at the moment, although not regularly as it’s quite hard work trying to get hubby there each time. He resists it but I find it helpful
when he first went back to work I suggested he work less hours so he had some space before the kids came home from school but he refused to do it and said he was fine
but of course it’s not fine as I come home from work every day to a thunder storm
we did manage to chat yesterday and I realised half the problem is his own expectation of himself. he feels like he has to earn a certain amount of money (because he used to earn more) and therefore he doesn’t finish early because he doesn’t want to earn less (he’s already taken a huge pay drop since his burnout)
He feels like he should be really happy with a loving wife and two kids and doesn’t feel like he can say “I really need to be on my own for a bit”.
And then that just causes this huge pressure cooker. I really don’t want him to feel like. He has said he will try communicate better so I’m hoping things will feel less like I’m wading through treacle.