Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there
im new around here :-)
Im NT, married to a diagnosed Autistic man. We have two primary age kids. We are expecting a diagnosis for our eldest child fairly imminently. 2.5 years ago Hubby ended up with severe burnout through his job and he was on the cusp of suicide. He got his diagnosis as everything started to unravel and he was signed off with depression. It’s been really, really tough. He’s built himself back up, slowly but surely and I’m so proud of him in so many ways. But I am exhausted.i am seen as the strong one. I hold everyone up and piece them back together.not just in our house but in my wider family and at work. But I’m not sure I can do this anymore.
Something happened recently that has meant that I’ve lost hope and it was simply around a job not working out for him (his choice to walk away). The job offered him a different working pattern so he would have had much needed time at home on his home (when the rest of us were at school and work) and because he doesn’t cope well with family life I felt that would be a really good thing. He will be back to a more typical working pattern instead
I want to protect our children from his mood swings and his negativity. His negativity is just awful. It drains me. He clashes with the eldest a lot and it infuriates me that he can’t see when she needs handling with care. It confuses her that her daddy doesn’t get her even though they are both autistic. he does most school pick ups as I now have to work full time to pick up the financial slack. I also do all of the mental load at home for the kids - Forms filled in for school, PE kits ready and the never ending stream of appointments etc.
I realise now he’s always been like this and I don’t know what to do about it. The kids don’t take him seriously as a parent at all. He’s a joker and hilarious, or negative and a fun sponge. No in between.
I love him so much. We all do. But I don’t think he will ever be able to cope with family life and the noise and chaos that comes with it.
im rambling. I’m sorry. Does anyone have any positive things they can share about what helps them cope with family life. Anything at all?
t️hank you
Thank you.
Hi, and welcome. I'm autistic and my wife is neurotypical. We have two children (14-year-old NT daughter; 12-year-old autistic son). My kids see me as a grump and a joker, though I also do 99% of the cooking & cleaning in addition to having two jobs (I was recently diagnosed as an ADHDer, which can have advantages - i.e. I love getting things done!) My wife and I never sat down and allocated chores; we’ve just settled into a pattern, which seems to work. However, given you do so much for your family, maybe you and your husband could talk about sharing the load and the impact of the current set-up on you. My wife and kids have come to accept that I need a lot of alone time, so maybe you and your kids could have a candid chat with your husband about this as well. I know that this isn’t very innovative or helpful advice, but I felt compelled to comment due to the similarity in circumstances (I’ve experienced horrible burnout recently, and I just take things day by day, otherwise life becomes overwhelming). My wife’s support is everything to me – I would be lost without her. I hope that things improve for you and your family soon.
Thank you. I appreciate that. It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone. I don’t know of anyone else in my situation.
please may I ask what alone time looks like for you? What’s a typical day for you? How do you manage to weave that into busy family life? thank you
TreacleAndMud said:Thank you. I appreciate that. It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone. I don’t know of anyone else in my situation.
I am in a similar situation.
I’m Nd and my wife is Nt, we also have 2 boys age 13 and 9 with my youngest being autistic. We are a very busy family so I sympathise with your situation. Although I keep myself very busy I understand your partner getting overwhelmed sometimes at home as I struggle with lots of different noises at home. Both boys are usually on tick tock or similar with the tv blaring away and other things besides….. this scrambles my brain. I get my boys to take it into another room or use headphones which helps. Maybe you could both do a list of reasonable expectations for each other and discuss them to see if you can come to an understanding? For me I very often need things spelling out as in what is expected of me for that day, it gives me a clear picture of what I need to do to help. If that doesn’t happen I can very often find myself prioritising the wrong things. How about a book for your children to read to explain autism and how it can affect our day to day lives. I struggle to be authoritative with my children and I’m either joking about like a friend or quite down really. I try and make some serious conversation once a day just so my children view me as a parent as well as a friend. Things for me are far from perfect but I manage. Make sure you keep communicating with each other and make time to bring things up with each other regularly.
Sorry I can’t be more helpful and good luck
Thank you. I will.
I’m really hoping we can work through this.
Your very welcome!
It’s the little things that seem to overwhelm me sometimes like the multiple noises. I know if my partner gives me a hard time for something she’s forgotten about it by the time she’s at work, I just have it on replay in my head for the rest of the day which can make me very anxious. Then when she gets home I want to try and have a conversation about it with the view of getting her to see that it could have been verbalised in a more positive way. I think in the end it’s just about one word….. mindfulness. I told myself I had the best day ever on Sunday even though I worked all day, everyone was so positive and thinking of others which made me feel fantastic. I have thrown myself into learning about autism to the point of obsession and even managed to get on a course (which you get a qualification for) it’s called an introduction to autism. The more I learn the more I understand and then I can let my family know where I struggle.
Be sure to let us know how he and your family get on
Take care