Realtionships

I was very close to another autistic person for several years. We dated each other on and off, the rest of the time we were just friends. When it was going well it felt like we were on exactly the same wavelength and we could completely be ourselves in a way I had never experienced with another person. Unfortunately we are no longer on speaking terms. still have hope that doubly autistic relationships can work well.

Realistically, it's very unlikely to be your 'only chance ever' of a meaningful relationship, and it's also unlikely to be the worst decision you ever make, as long as you don't lose your head and take stupid risks. Maybe, take it slow see how it goes?

I think, what is most diffiicult about doubly autistic relationships is making sure you both stay on the same page about what the relationship 'is' at each stage. To prevent a huge amount of pain on both sides, talk about this regularly, using direct language that can't be misinterpreted.

This is a thought experiment. Not an appeal for advice.

Oh I am under NO such delusion, my friend. Most relationships fail, and most of them very badly. I've been single 14 years, and have no intention of burdening myself again with other people neuroses and insecurities. The last thing I need is someone in my life whose job it is to make me feel bad when I fail to meet their unvoiced expectetions. For me, friends with benefits is the only relationship that makes sense. I just wanted to know how people felt about compatability among people like us. I have an over zealous sense of empathy, and I was wondering if this is typical among aurtistic people, and whether two people sharing this or other similar neurodivergent traits might fair better in a relationship, or if it might cause more problems.

Wow, Ben. I was stuck with a spoilt, shallow, moody, selfish pain in the ass for 5 1/2 years because she was stunning, and the sex was off the hook, At least tell me that despite your ex partners being really messed up and/or an Ahole, they were gorgeous and/or the sex was great. Otherwise, you must just see relationships as a form of self-harm. At least I had an excuse for subjecting myself to her misery, albeit a very shallow and  primal excuse. But, hey, you never know if you'll ever go to bed with someone THAT fit ever again (I haven't), so  I think any bloke would understand.

Go for it, stop worrying about whats correct, I think that you're over thinking it. Relationships are always a risk you might find you're incompatible with someone after a week, a month, a year, 10 years, but you could have a life long happy and fulfilling relationship.

For myself I've realised I'm happier out of relationships altogether, a lot of partners have blamed their own problems on me, "being weird", this was before my diagnosis. It took me a quite a long time and some therapy to realise that my needs and wishes are just as important as everyone elses. When I was a young woman, like many others regardless of neurological status, I'd bought into the disneyfied myth of "happy ever after", nobody ever tells you what happy ever after is, or how you live it. Rather than think about whether to date an autistic person, I think about what myths about relationships you may have bought into either conciously or subconciously, as I think this will be better in the long term no matter who you date or what type of relationships you have.

I've not had a relationship with an autist, but have failed with a narcissist,  an alcoholic, one with antisocial personality disorder, and a Tory.  I gave up all hope of a successful relationship after that bunch and have been happily unattached for several decades.

Ben

From my own experience being with an autistic partner didn't work out.

I'd say that navigating each others sensititivies is a major issue but there are loads actually - if you think about all the things that make us autistic - you can both share those, both positive and negative, and this can impact very negatively on the relationship in the day to day running of your lives.

However, communication styles are similar - we are both still friends and both precise in our language and straightforward in our intent with regard to conversation.

I have an allistic husband and conversation is difficult at times, but we work around each other in ordinary day to day living requirements very well.

Deciduous growth said:

please don't reply that it all depends on the person, as that it is always true, regardless.

Yes, but it counts for a lot.

I haven't been in a great many relationships, but other ones with allistics didn't work out - it can't be all down to whether you are autistic or allistic for a relationship to work.

Just going to give you my personal opinion here. It might be biased but it’s just my experience so far. I as an autistic male I have had far more luck with non autistic females. I have tried to connect with autistic females, but they either aren’t interested in dating an autistic guy or have too many personal issues and problems. And this kind of negativity in someone immediately puts me off and makes me lose attraction to them. I think autistic females mask way more than guys and in my case maybe don’t want to be seen dating an autistic guy because they want to be ‘normal’ whatever that is lol. 

Personally, if I was lucky enough to meet someone attractive and click with them, I wouldn’t care less if they were autistic or not.