New to this...dealing with husband anger

I think a good place the draw the line on tolerance is Domestic Abuse, I think that something needs to change there, either one or both of you has some thinking to do.

I think you should first consider that it is not your job to take abuse from an abuser.
Secondly, you should consider what benefit you are offering him by enabling him to take his stress and moodiness out on you, it is essentially, enabling him to warp into the worst version of himself.

To allow an abuser to coerce, bully, harass and control you; is good for neither you or him. Sometimes people are a bad match for each other. Considering what you’ve said I think you should contact a professional or organisation, to at least get an objective view of the situation, so that you have better perspective.

I apologise for the course reply, but I think it best to give a firm view for you to consider, as it seems that you are indecisive in your thoughts on the matter.

I am female so can’t figure out a man’s mind. However anger issues have ALWAYS been a problem for me but I’ve never felt the need to blame them on anyone else! It is possible to be autistic and have other issues too such as being abusive and controlling. You can be supportive of your husband if he is truly seeking help and answers to his problem but please don’t put yourself in harms way and find a safe place if you need to bolt for a while.

I currently live with my son who has a dissociative identity disorder. He is an adult and a big lad. He has fits of anger which he definitely has no control over due to the nature of his problem. However I would still not put myself in harms way if I felt in danger.   What I’m trying to say is that you are under a tremendous amount of stress for so many reasons and this will or maybe is taking its toll. I just want to suggest that you seek support and keep yourself safe. You are no good to anyone if you are emotionally frazzled.

Take care. I hope answers and help can be found xx

There's a few problems, here. Sorry you're struggling with this. As a daughter of a father who can be like this, I know exactly why this happens because it happens to me as well. Communication between Autistic and Non-Au isn't just different. The motives and drives and what one enjoys or finds frustrating are literally almost opposite. The miscommunication isn't just a bit frustrating. When it's a significant other or worse - a parent - it creates a deep wound that literally feels isolating, a type of hard rejection and physical heart break. 

Autistics don't dull their senses and this includes our feelings (which we can also have a life-long added difficulty identifying and need to rely solely on other sensory input + factual knowledge to make a calculated decision). In research on Autistic Sense-Perception and the Salience Network, clinicians will say we perceive things as "Too Real". This matters greatly, because the communication difference plus the sensory difference makes for an incredible chasm between the two neurotypes. Sensory (including 'negative' feelings) elements will feel like assault and we can not only immediately flip into defence mode, we can be stuck in Survival Mode. It can take a long time to sift through EVERYTHING incoming and start to recognise how to redesign ones daily life style, ones environmental surroundings and ones responsibilities so that there is a more integrated and fluid life to make a little room to begin to thrive instead of just survive. 

Now, it's irresponsible to blame others, this only compounds problems and doesn't afford everyone room to actually interrogate our own cognitive bias. And unfortunately, some relationships are not actually beneficial or helpful - but I'd rather side with a possibility there is room to grow and change. The first thing one needs to do is learn their strengths and limits. This requires a great deal of solitude and personal investigation. With an Autistic partner, we're far more likely to use a wealth of alone time to self-repair and rebalance. It's rare if never we would find someone else as transition is incredibly problematic. By default we can be too loyal and often have to be forced to disconnect. So if you can handle it, allocate more time than you'd think needed to afford space. In this space you can do all the things you love with friends or indulge in your own 'me' time. 

Growth in relationships is important and maturing into the self is important. Most autistics aren't afforded agency or helped to reach their potential. Due to communication differences, we'll mature slower, as we don't receive the same information - we just don't have receptors for much of how Non-Au's transmit rules or information. Erich Fromm is one of my favourite psychologists, philosophers and authors. He's easy to read and he's incredibly ripe if not timely for modern society. If it's of interest, perhaps you could both read his book, The Art of Loving. Perhaps separate and then spend time discussing it.  

So many things can compound our frustration: a difficulty accessing verbal words internally, unresolved issues (we can be wired for analysis), constant interruptions can be like waking a sleep walker. And all of this is a normal inclination with a purpose but we're a mismatch for modern society and Continually running into hard invisible walls - dismissed, disregarded, told our way of being is meaningless. 

To make matters worse, we feel too deep, too intense and there's not much to be done but learn how to be human, how to create humane surroundings and how to be human with others. Fundamental principles and shared values/virtues will always be something everyone can meet at. There are tools for engaging in an arguments such as being mindful of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse". Be the most careful with confusing abuse for intense frustration or a deeply wounded other.

There is no 'managing' something that's continually breaking down. It could just be time to hunt for wisdom not yet encountered, delete what you thought you knew and be open to a whole refresh. Just make sure to take enough time out for the self to heal and find things you're passionate about. 

I think we need some help long term. Maybe just getting through this crisis first.  He does gave meltdowns. He's coming to terms with who he is and that everything ge ever believed is untrue. I understand his anger but it's so hard and upsetting. We are looking at triggers but its like he needs me to fix it; saying if you don't do this I won't get angry. However,when I change what I do I still get it wrong. I joke and say 1+1=2 but only on Friday when there is a new moon. There are so many subsets to his expectations its exhausting. I need him to work on managing his stress/ anger responses to triggers. Getting help is difficult though.

I think it is asd related. His perception of what happens is very interesting. He is coming to terms with who he is. I want to help.him. it is very challenging. He criticises a lot, but feels criticised. 

If it’s from a meltdown for example, then removing yourself from the situation as soon as you see it coming is a start. Next, he needs to find out what his triggers are, so he can take steps to reduce the meltdowns. If he is simply just angry, then he has no right to take it out on you, just because you are there. Autism is not an excuse for anger. If he has something on his mind, and he won’t talk to you, then he needs to speak to someone else, and maybe try therapy to help him realise how his behaviour is taking it’s toll on you. 

Hi, is he aware of his behaviour? is it down to ASD ?  it might be worth speaking to someone impartial to discuss his thoughts and feelings in a safe environment. 

Likewise you might be able to get support on how to manage these situations also.

It's difficult to say without all the info and context but it sounds like you could do with some support from an external source.

Have you tried contacting the team on here they may be able to advise on local services in your area